Greetings from the downstairs dungeon on this, the last day of the
work week. Yes, it’s Friday, Thank God! Although it is February, it
would be hard to tell that from the little snow that is on only part
of the ground outside. There are puddles of water and ice and patches
of grass (ugly) visible all around. A year ago at this time I was up
on the roof for hours each day for a week, shoveling about 2 feet (60
cms) of snow off of it so that it wouldn’t cave in. In fact, there is
absolutely no snow on our roof right now. But I have seen photos of
the snow that fell in Rome last week. Wow! We lived there for 3 years
and never saw any snow in Rome.
In last week’s issue I used the story about Winston Churchill, using
an Italian Cruise Liner. Since then, in the “wake” of the Costa
Concordia disaster, more stuff has arrived. It always does, after such
a disaster.
How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? : On the rocks!
What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? : Leeks!
What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? : Follow
the captain!
When the captain of the Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he
was going he replied "off course."
So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's
more than can be said for his ship!
The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in
Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken
cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - the bottoms dropped out of both.
* * * * * * * * * *
Okay, time to move on to other topics.
Here’s an example of typical male logic:
Milk and Eggs
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The
wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
(I'm sure you're going back to the top to read this again! I know I did!)
* * * * * * * * * *
You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story but it helps !!!!
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty
boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production
line was set up, and people with experience in designing production
lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with
timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect
100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be
controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality
assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers
all the way down to the supermarket don’t get ticked-off and buy
another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste
factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to
start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering
company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering
department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8
million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget,
high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved
the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a
bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than
it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank
the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to
re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the
project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the
factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer
complaints and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well
spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in
the report.
It turns out that the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0
after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at
least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the
report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the
engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales
really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to
that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part
of the line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the
empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.
“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there
’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.
* * * * * * * * * *
It’s that time of year when employees have to be evaluated by their
employers on their job performance of 2011. Here are some helpful
phrases that some of you may wish to borrow for this process,
especially for those employees who are not the “brightest color in the
crayon box” or whatever similar expression which I cannot recall at
this precise moment. (Joya – pls help!)
Performance Evaluations
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
* * * * * * * * * *
These simple truths are somewhat related to the performance issue.
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The
wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
(I'm sure you're going back to the top to read this again! I know I did!)
* * * * * * * * * *
You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story but it helps !!!!
A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty
boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production
line was set up, and people with experience in designing production
lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with
timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect
100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be
controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality
assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers
all the way down to the supermarket don’t get ticked-off and buy
another product instead.
Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste
factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to
start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering
company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering
department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.
The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor
allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8
million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget,
high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved
the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a
bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than
it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank
the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to
re-start the line.
A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the
project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the
factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer
complaints and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well
spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in
the report.
It turns out that the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0
after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at
least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the
report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the
engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales
really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to
that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part
of the line where the precision scales were installed.
A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the
empty boxes off of the belt and into a bin.
“Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there
’cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang”.
* * * * * * * * * *
It’s that time of year when employees have to be evaluated by their
employers on their job performance of 2011. Here are some helpful
phrases that some of you may wish to borrow for this process,
especially for those employees who are not the “brightest color in the
crayon box” or whatever similar expression which I cannot recall at
this precise moment. (Joya – pls help!)
Performance Evaluations
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
* * * * * * * * * *
These simple truths are somewhat related to the performance issue.
Simple Truths
#1 : Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
* * *
#2 : When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and
saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated"
* * * * * * * * * *
The Irish Brothel
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front
door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the
door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the
rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says one of the Irishmen.
"One of the girls must have died.”
* * * * * * * * * *
Idle thoughts
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it
I had amnesia once---or twice
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride
horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the expressway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height--which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.
Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
* * * * * * * * * *
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug
it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing
kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a
pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad
put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for
nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not
to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching
her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the
house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a
hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against
the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys
inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for
crawling up in there in the first place.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's
Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.
* * * * * * * * * *
Your Parrot Is Dead
At dawn the telephone rings.
'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did
he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught fire.'
'What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle?!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief. I hit her with your new Talyor-Made R580 XD
golf club.'
SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!!'
* * * * * * * * * *
It’s the time for the TGIF Golden Classic.
The Love Dress
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She
knocked on
the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't
get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and
lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
* * * * * * * * * *
After the Patriot's loss to the Giants, I am depressed and awaiting the
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue to arrive to cheer me up. With the
lack of snow, I’ve been obliged to ice skate instead and must admit
that the skating and conditions on the frozen ponds has been good.
Plus the “full contact ping pong” this winter with my buddies and the
Wednesday night indoor tennis has been lots of fun. It’s always nice
to be associated with a “sport” that involves “training beverages” in
green cans or brown bottles, plus sharing jokes, no matter how raunchy,
with good buddies. You know who you are!
For the rest of you, have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he
instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't
get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and
lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
* * * * * * * * * *
After the Patriot's loss to the Giants, I am depressed and awaiting the
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue to arrive to cheer me up. With the
lack of snow, I’ve been obliged to ice skate instead and must admit
that the skating and conditions on the frozen ponds has been good.
Plus the “full contact ping pong” this winter with my buddies and the
Wednesday night indoor tennis has been lots of fun. It’s always nice
to be associated with a “sport” that involves “training beverages” in
green cans or brown bottles, plus sharing jokes, no matter how raunchy,
with good buddies. You know who you are!
For the rest of you, have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
