Greetings from the Friday guy – reporting in from “you know where”.
From down here I can’t see all the snow we got in the last 24 hours.
It amounts to about 10 inches. I complained last week about having no
snow and “poof” – now we do. It’s like my complaining about not
getting much good material from you – and then “poof” – I do.
Sometimes it pays to complain – remember it’s only the squeaky wheel
that gets the oil!
It amounts to about 10 inches. I complained last week about having no
snow and “poof” – now we do. It’s like my complaining about not
getting much good material from you – and then “poof” – I do.
Sometimes it pays to complain – remember it’s only the squeaky wheel
that gets the oil!
Now just because I said that, don’t go resting on your laurels! Some
of you have recently submitted material that I’ve used in one of my
TGIFs over the past month. I know you are trying, but either you are
not reading or your memory is shot.
It seems to have been a busy week in the world. The Oscars were given
out in Hollywood last Sunday. Good to see Christopher Plummer win one
at the age of 82! Meryl Streep won best actress for her portrayal as
the Iron Lady. The Artist won best picture and many awards, as did
Hugo.
The tragedy continues in Syria and a few “western” journalists were
killed, in addition to lots of civilians. What a mess! One of the
sister cruisers in the Costa Concordia family broke down in the Indian
Ocean and had to be towed to the Seychelles, arriving 3 days later,
with about 1,000 unhappy holidayers.
A few days ago we learned of the death of Davy Jones, of the 1960s
made-for-TV band, The Monkees. He was the Brit in the band and lead
singer. A handsome guy who had lots of teeny boppers dreaming. I heard
that they sold more records in 1967 than the Beatles and the Rolling
Stones, combined. Wow!
And then, Frank Carson, a very successful Irish stand-up comedian from
the mid-fifties, died last week. He kept working into his 80s, in
spite of bad health during the last twenty or so years. The British
papers, reporting on his death, have quoted some of his most popular
jokes. Of course, his delivery was an important part of the success.
A few of you have sent in some of his better ones.
Frank Carson quotes
I don't think my wife likes me very much.
When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
My wife said to me: "If you won the Lottery, would you still love me?"
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
A fellow said to the doctor: "What's the good news?"
He says: "You've got 24 hours to live."
"What's the bad news?"
And the doc says: "We should have told you yesterday."
"They say you can't have an abortion in Ireland.
That's not true - only there's a 12-months waiting list."
Paddy goes into a pizza parlour in Dublin.
The waiter asks: "Would you like your pizza cut into six slices or eight?"
"Just six," says Paddy. "I don't think I can eat eight."
Did you hear about the Irish attempt on Mount Everest?
They ran out of scaffolding.
I told my landlady: "I couldn't sleep in that bed last night - there
was a dead flea in it."
She said: "A dead flea will do you no harm."
"I know - but 50,000 came to his funeral."
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins.
Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.
Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am.
'Is that O'Malley's Bar?' he asks. 'No it's not, this is a private residence.
'Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you,' says Paddy.
'Ah it's no trouble,' says the stranger. 'I had to get up to answer
the phone anyway.'
My father, who had fought in World War I, once told me that during the
Battle of the Somme, he had single-handedly destroyed the Germans'
lines of communication.
'How did you do that, Dad?' I asked in awe.
'I ate their pigeon,'
A pompous Unionist making a tub-thumping speech at a rally in Belfast
loudly declared,
'I was born a Protestant, I live as a Protestant, and I shall die a
Protestant,' at which point a voice piped up from the back: 'Jaysus,
have you no ambition?'
Paddy's wife said she wanted something with lots of diamonds in it for
Christmas. He went out and bought her a pack of playing cards.
An Irishman goes on to a building site looking for a job and is told
by the foreman that he will have to undertake a brief test.
'Fine,' says the Irishman. 'OK then,' says the foreman. 'First up, can
you tell me the difference between a joist and a girder?'
'That's easy,' the Irishman replies. 'Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe
wrote Faust.'
Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub's weekly raffle and to
their surprise, they each won a prize: Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick
a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush.
The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their
prizes. Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky,
while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever
tasted.
Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.
'It wasn't that great,' he said. 'I think I'll go back to using paper.
* * * * * * * * * *
Having a baby is painful, but just how bad? Let’s use some logic.
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It would be
nice to have another child".
You never hear a guy say, "I would like another kick in the nuts".
Case closed.
* * * * * * * * * *
So the joke I used last week about the bear 'hunter' reminded one
reader of another similar one:
A TV crew go to the Italian countryside and go to a small farming village.
They ask to speak to one of the elders.
TV presenter: We are preparing a TV documentary about life in the
countryside and about how wonderful it is. Could you tell us about
your happiest memory of life in this village?
Elder: Oh yes, the happiest memory is of the day that my jenny got lost …
... all the men of the village got together and we fanned out across
the mountains and valleys until we found the jenny. We brought her
back to the village, had a great feast, drank lots of wine, and then
all of us had our way with the jenny.
TV presenter: No, we could not possibly put that story on TV. Tell
us of another happy memory.
Elder: OK, the next happiest memory is when my ewe got lost ... all
the men of the village got together and we fanned out across the
mountains and valleys until we found the ewe. We brought her back to
the village, had a great feast, drank lots of wine, and then all of us
had our way with the ewe.
Exasperated TV presenter: No, can't air that story either ... OK,
tell me of your worst memory.
Elder: Oh that is easy; my worst memory is the day I got lost.
* * * * * * * * * *
Doctor, Doctor!
A doctor in Lincoln wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his caretaker. "I am goin' sailing tomorrow Dave and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and
take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty pounds."
"Yes, sir!" answers Dave
The doctor goes sailing and returns the following day and asks: "So,
Dave, How was your day?"
Dave told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him paracetamol."
"Bravo Dave! The second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says
Dave.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"
asks the Doctor.
“Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door
flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself,
taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down
on the table and shouts: “HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two
years!”
"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Dave!!! What did you do?"
I put drops in her eyes!!
* * * * * * * * * *
How to take care of a bad cough!
The pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. He asks the clerk: "So what's with that guy standing
over there against the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave
him a bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot, you can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The clerk responds, "Of course you can! Just look at him, he's AFRAID
to cough!"
* * * * * * * * * *
WARNING ABOUT SHAMPOO
Please share the following information with your friends.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out before.
I wash my hair in the shower and the shampoo runs down over my whole body.
Printed very clearly on the label is the following warning:
“FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.”
No WONDER I have been gaining weight!
Well, I have got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using
Fairy Dish Washing Liquid instead. Its label reads:
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved. If I don't answer the phone . .. . I'll be in the shower!
* * * * * * * * * *
Time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week.
Senior Motel Moment
Last week she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a
bit lonely. She thought, I'll call one of those men you see advertised
in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
calling himself Tender Tony -- a very handsome man with assorted
physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in
all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling
smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a
silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.
She figured, What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, Ma'am. How may I help you?"
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel
room and give me one. No, wait -- I should be straight with you. I'm
in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I
want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips --
everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy
all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream
-- anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now. How does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9
for an outside line."
* * * * * * * * * *
I am off tomorrow for a week of skiing in Colorado with my brother.
So, no TGIF next week - - - but like I said at the top, don’t rest on
your laurels, you get no vacation from sending in your TGIF dues!
Today is the 50th anniversary date of the night in Hershey
Pennsylvania when Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in an NBA game.
Since the game was in Hershey, only about 4,000 fans were in
attendance that night. In the years since then, Wilt had about 20,000
people tell him that they were there that night and witnessed this
great feat!!!
Have great Fridays and wonderful weekends!
TGI-Jeff
