Greetings once again from the guy back down in the TGIF dungeon to try
and make up for missing last week. I was busy traveling to
Massachusetts and Rhode Island and New Hampshire, where I had visits
with my Dad and then good old friends (R&L Lawrence) and then to
attend a Taft family gathering, respectively, from Wednesday through
Sunday – so no time for being down here in the windowless basement.
But it’s been raining the last few days (not complaining – we needed
it!) and there’s no Red Sox or Celtics game tonight (Thursday), so
that’s why you’re getting a Friday message from me this week – whether
you like it or not! I’m pleased that a few of my local friends noticed
and complained that I did not produce one last week. So, even if I’m
retired, I’m still missed for something.
Time to dive into the stuff I’ve pulled out of the TGIF inbox from the
last few weeks.
I wish I had known that!
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Marine Corps pilot
was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
and make up for missing last week. I was busy traveling to
Massachusetts and Rhode Island and New Hampshire, where I had visits
with my Dad and then good old friends (R&L Lawrence) and then to
attend a Taft family gathering, respectively, from Wednesday through
Sunday – so no time for being down here in the windowless basement.
But it’s been raining the last few days (not complaining – we needed
it!) and there’s no Red Sox or Celtics game tonight (Thursday), so
that’s why you’re getting a Friday message from me this week – whether
you like it or not! I’m pleased that a few of my local friends noticed
and complained that I did not produce one last week. So, even if I’m
retired, I’m still missed for something.
Time to dive into the stuff I’ve pulled out of the TGIF inbox from the
last few weeks.
I wish I had known that!
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Marine Corps pilot
was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother
began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he
gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related
items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
"Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said
that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in
the baby's ears.
The Marine Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
* * * * * * * * * *
Word Play
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's
no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the creapes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
* * * * * * * * * *
Computer Passwords can be a pain – to remember them all!
Husband trying to log on to their home computer: “Baby, did you change
the password?”
Wife, from the other room, “Yes, honey.”
Husband: “And what is the new one?”
Wife: “It’s the date of our wedding anniversary.”
Husband to himself: “I am so screwed!”
* * * * * * * * * *
Incredible Quotes from a recent Travel Survey
A recent survey from Thomas Cook and the Association of British Travel
Agents revealed 20 of the most ridiculous complaints by holiday-makers
made to their travel agent.
1. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local
store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger
nuts.”
2. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I
often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be
banned.”
3. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost
every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had
to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
5. A tourist at a top African Game Lodge overlooking a water hole, who
spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this
rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel “inadequate.”
6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she’d been
locked in her hotel room by staff. In fact, she had mistaken the “do
not disturb” sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in
the room.
7. “The beach was too sandy.”
8. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your
brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick
and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
10. “Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was
ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.”
11. “We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros from a street
trader, only to find out they were fake.”
12. “No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
13. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, it
only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
14. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
15. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation.’
We’re trainee hairdressers — will we be OK staying there?”
16. “There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks
Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad.”
17. “We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
18. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or
unruly guests before we travel.”
19. “I was bitten by a mosquito, no-one said they could bite.”
20. “My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I
find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us
in the room that we booked.”
* * * * * * * * * *
If you drink don't drive. Take the bus!
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes
with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over
the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends
and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as
I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!
If you know of anybody missing a bus please let me know so I can
arrange to return it.
* * * * * * * * * *
Some of the following are repeats, even in this same issue – but I’m
not going to delete those from the set of 14. I wonder if you all get
them all!?
British Humor – errr, Humour
1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you
believe that? 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.
2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off
with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a
Labrador."Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners
go blind?"
4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least
I presume she was poor - she only had €1.20 in her purse.
5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not
exactly my girlfriend yet.
6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor
standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid; then I was
petrified.
7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare
for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes
back.
8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"
10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I
went to our local pet shop and they were €70. "Blow this," I thought,
"I can get one cheaper off the web."
11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I
could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good
Korea move.
14. I was driving this morning when I saw a RAC van parked on the
side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked
very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a
breakdown."
* * * * * * * * * *
Four guys have been going to the same moose camp for many years. Two
days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and
tells him he isn't going. Ron's friends are very upset that he can't
go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping
site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood
gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into
letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday."
"Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair at home and my wife came
up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I
pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She
took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and
rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She
told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said,
"Do whatever you want."
So here I am.
* * * * * * * * * *
Time for the TGIF Golden Classic.
A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Birmingham cab rank.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He
made no attempt to start the cab.
"What's wrong with you, buster, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady - I am telling you - that would not
be proper where I am coming from."
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is
this lady keeping the money to be paying me?"
* * * * * * * * * *
Speaking of “paying me”, thanks to many of you who have been paying your
TGIF dues by submitting material. I’ll have enough for awhile, but do think of me when you see a new one and NOT a TGIF golden oldie!
Time to get back to my other work. But not before I wish you the customary “bon weekend.” Cheers.
TGI-Jeff
