Greetings from my weekly hobby spot down in the dungeon. It’s not
quite so bad today as it’s been raining and chilly outside. We had the
visit this week of Miguel and Lolita (Marie Dolores) Bermeo who are
now also retired (Ecuador) and who we had not seen in many years. We
overlapped in Sri Lanka for the four years from 2002 to 2006,
including being there for the Indian Ocean Tsunami of December 26,
2004. (Miguel was the UN resident coordinator those years.) In fact,
within an hour of the tsunami hitting the Sri Lankan shores, Miguel
and I, the UNICEF representative and my deputy were at the Ministry of
Defense, at the command center, which was receiving info from all over
the country as to the devastation and loss of lives. At that moment,
it was hard to comprehend the extent of this disaster, but from that
point forward, a huge humanitarian operation was carried out and
Miguel had the responsibility of not only coordinating the UN
agencies’ work but also that of the non-governmental organizations and
more. In fact, he played a big role in assisting the government in
putting in place an appropriate system to manage this “once in a
century” crisis. For me, the year that followed the tsunami was
probably both the most challenging and the most rewarding period of my
career with the UN WFP.
We had a good UN team there and as with other crises or emergencies,
it made us closer and we have maintained contact with many of people
with whom we shared that challenging time. So, since we have retired,
we have kept in contact and seen a number of those people (in DC, or
here) and so it was good to hear that Miguel and Lolita had decided to
come up (from NYC where they were visiting kids and grandkids) our way
for a short visit. While here, Miguel expressed interest in seeing
first hand the “TGIF dungeon”. I can’t say he was impressed - - - but
now maybe he appreciates my complaining about my working conditions to
put out a weekly message. Maybe he can petition OCHA for some
supplementary funding to improve the conditions here - - - for
example, putting in a window would be good, improving the lighting and
a new desk and comfortable chair, as well as a new espresso machine!
I’m sure (for the OCHA funds) that I can bring in the total
improvements to within $50,000. ( J )
I recently read a newspaper summary of a report on the health of
Vermont’s environment for the year 2011. It was a rough year in this
regard for our state. Spring flooding was the worst in many years and
then there was the Hurricane Irene-induced torrential rains that
caused massive damage to roads, bridges, houses, buildings and other
infrastructure. But, it seems, it’s not only these events that had an
impact on our Vermont environment, but other developments on our
ecosystem are and will continue to have an adverse effect in future
years. Our Vermont governor has repeatedly said that he believes that
the greatest environmental threat facing Vermont and the world is
“climate change”. (By the way, he is a Democrat and I heard about
another study that showed the distinctive correlation between those
who believe that climate change is a reality and their political party
affiliation. Democrats believe that climate change is our reality;
while Republicans overwhelmingly tend to disregard it.) Anyway, it
seems (from the report) that Vermont’s average winter temperatures
have warmed by about 4.5 degrees (F) (2.5 C) during the past 50 years,
while summer days on average are 2 degrees warmer. Lakes in
northeastern Vermont are frozen four fewer weeks a year than they were
40 years ago. The report also mentions that average annual
precipitation has increased by 15 to 20 percent in the past 50 years.
Heavy downpours have increased in frequency and intensity, too. These
storms now release 67 percent more rain than they did 50 years ago.
The report states that these trends could increase flooding in Vermont
in the future. That’s not good news in a state still working to
recover from Irene’s flooding, which washed out hundreds of homes,
roads, and bridges, plus killed six people and left some communities
isolated for days.
So, now that I’ve attempted to educate you, now I guess you expect me
to try to entertain you too! Let’s see what I’ve got in the joke bag.
I know it is not empty, but until I look, I’m not sure if any are new
or good. Let’s dive in!
BLONDE JOKE #1
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win'
sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'
But the blonde keeps on screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a
motorhome!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we
didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!'
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
'W I N A B A G E L'
* * * * * * * * * *
BLONDE JOKE #2
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt
Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough,
there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
'You rotten bitch', she screams, 'My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
* * * * * * * * * *
BLONDE JOKE #3
A blonde orders a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them...
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the
third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the
bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her
breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...
Why do you let the bartender do it?'
"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
* * * * * * * * * *
THE OUTDOORSMAN
visit this week of Miguel and Lolita (Marie Dolores) Bermeo who are
now also retired (Ecuador) and who we had not seen in many years. We
overlapped in Sri Lanka for the four years from 2002 to 2006,
including being there for the Indian Ocean Tsunami of December 26,
2004. (Miguel was the UN resident coordinator those years.) In fact,
within an hour of the tsunami hitting the Sri Lankan shores, Miguel
and I, the UNICEF representative and my deputy were at the Ministry of
Defense, at the command center, which was receiving info from all over
the country as to the devastation and loss of lives. At that moment,
it was hard to comprehend the extent of this disaster, but from that
point forward, a huge humanitarian operation was carried out and
Miguel had the responsibility of not only coordinating the UN
agencies’ work but also that of the non-governmental organizations and
more. In fact, he played a big role in assisting the government in
putting in place an appropriate system to manage this “once in a
century” crisis. For me, the year that followed the tsunami was
probably both the most challenging and the most rewarding period of my
career with the UN WFP.
We had a good UN team there and as with other crises or emergencies,
it made us closer and we have maintained contact with many of people
with whom we shared that challenging time. So, since we have retired,
we have kept in contact and seen a number of those people (in DC, or
here) and so it was good to hear that Miguel and Lolita had decided to
come up (from NYC where they were visiting kids and grandkids) our way
for a short visit. While here, Miguel expressed interest in seeing
first hand the “TGIF dungeon”. I can’t say he was impressed - - - but
now maybe he appreciates my complaining about my working conditions to
put out a weekly message. Maybe he can petition OCHA for some
supplementary funding to improve the conditions here - - - for
example, putting in a window would be good, improving the lighting and
a new desk and comfortable chair, as well as a new espresso machine!
I’m sure (for the OCHA funds) that I can bring in the total
improvements to within $50,000. ( J )
I recently read a newspaper summary of a report on the health of
Vermont’s environment for the year 2011. It was a rough year in this
regard for our state. Spring flooding was the worst in many years and
then there was the Hurricane Irene-induced torrential rains that
caused massive damage to roads, bridges, houses, buildings and other
infrastructure. But, it seems, it’s not only these events that had an
impact on our Vermont environment, but other developments on our
ecosystem are and will continue to have an adverse effect in future
years. Our Vermont governor has repeatedly said that he believes that
the greatest environmental threat facing Vermont and the world is
“climate change”. (By the way, he is a Democrat and I heard about
another study that showed the distinctive correlation between those
who believe that climate change is a reality and their political party
affiliation. Democrats believe that climate change is our reality;
while Republicans overwhelmingly tend to disregard it.) Anyway, it
seems (from the report) that Vermont’s average winter temperatures
have warmed by about 4.5 degrees (F) (2.5 C) during the past 50 years,
while summer days on average are 2 degrees warmer. Lakes in
northeastern Vermont are frozen four fewer weeks a year than they were
40 years ago. The report also mentions that average annual
precipitation has increased by 15 to 20 percent in the past 50 years.
Heavy downpours have increased in frequency and intensity, too. These
storms now release 67 percent more rain than they did 50 years ago.
The report states that these trends could increase flooding in Vermont
in the future. That’s not good news in a state still working to
recover from Irene’s flooding, which washed out hundreds of homes,
roads, and bridges, plus killed six people and left some communities
isolated for days.
So, now that I’ve attempted to educate you, now I guess you expect me
to try to entertain you too! Let’s see what I’ve got in the joke bag.
I know it is not empty, but until I look, I’m not sure if any are new
or good. Let’s dive in!
BLONDE JOKE #1
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win'
sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motorhome!
I've won a motorhome!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'
But the blonde keeps on screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a
motorhome!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we
didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!'
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
'W I N A B A G E L'
* * * * * * * * * *
BLONDE JOKE #2
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt
Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough,
there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
'You rotten bitch', she screams, 'My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
* * * * * * * * * *
BLONDE JOKE #3
A blonde orders a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them...
The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the
third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the
bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her
breasts and she decks him!
He is lying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady...
Why do you let the bartender do it?'
"Helloooo!", says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'
* * * * * * * * * *
THE OUTDOORSMAN
During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level,
and so I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank
eight Beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and
down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out
of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four
"leaks" behind big trees."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an
Outdoors Man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."
* * * * * * * * * *
GOLF POEM
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!
A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.
This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid!!!
* * * * * * * * * *
MORE GOLF JOKES
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses
from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes,
picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying
here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on
the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let
him play through."
* * * * *
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name
is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around
the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
* * * * *
A young man and a priest are playing together.
At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this
hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church,
when we pray, we keep our head down."
* * * * *
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts
her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."
(TGIF editors’ note: that is my all-time favorite golf joke!)
* * * * *
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and
hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an
opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree,
bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I??
* * * * *
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar,
the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all
day, is it?"
* * * * *
Time for the TGIF Golden Classic with the theme of an old golf joke.
So, the following are my second and third favorite golf jokes of all
time. And I just received them from TGIF members this week.
A man takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband shouted, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have
apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw
the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant you three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep
the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd
like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in
the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, - - - my wish is to sleep with
your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Honey, you know we both now
have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The
genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your
husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
The genie smiled and said “Really? Thirty-five years old and both of
you still believe in genies?”
* * * * * * * * * *
THE IRISH GOLFER
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking
for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it
over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't
want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'
And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do
something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he
ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here, ' the little guy says. 'I
just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know
were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did
a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or
twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish.
* * * * * * * * * *
I hope I hear back from OCHA soon on the request that I hope Miguel
submits. Unless he feels the amount is too much and feels he needs to
share some of it with FAO, ILO and WHO, too.
Just want to mention that Pam and I attended a very nice wedding last
Saturday in Laconia NH (about 2 hours from here) of Debba and Ali.
Debba was Joya’s teacher in Chad way back when and she has been more
recently in Niger. I wish Ali and her (also because she is a TGIF
frequent contributor) a long and happy life together.
Hope you’ve had your fair share of blonde and golf jokes in this one!
The golf jokes are dedicated to my golfing friends: Kevin, Dave, Bob,
Bill, Tod, Maslan and all you other hackers.
Have a fantastic Friday and a really wonderful weekend, one and all.
And be sure to get out on the links.
TGI-Jeff
