Greetings from Mr. TGIF on this 20th day of April. But the best part is that it is Friday! I still love Fridays, even though it is no longer my last working day of the week. Each day is a working day for me now – it’s just that I don’t have a boss who tells me what I have to do each day! I have so many projects going and I just enjoy jumping from one to another. In fact, if I had a boss, I would imagine that that would drive him/her crazy. My other “boss” puts up with these idiosyncrasies.
It’s been another
relatively quiet week up here in the northeast. Spring has sprung – about one
month before it normally does. It must be global warming. I heard the results
of a survey the other day on global warming. Whether you believe it or not
depends on your party affiliation here in the USA. If you’re a Democrat, you
believe it’s real. If you are a Republican, you don’t.
There was a big event in
Washington, D.C. a few days ago as the space shuttle Discovery was flown
piggy-back style on a 747 to DC from Florida to be put in a Smithsonian Museum
near DC.
From the Washington Post:
An aerial art show pulled
thousands of Washingtonians out of their offices, vehicles and homes Tuesday
morning as NASA’s space shuttle Discovery blew into town atop a modified 747,
the battered space veteran taking a final victory jaunt before landing at
Dulles International Airport just after 11 a.m.
“It’s the
last time that it’s up in the air. It’s historic” said District resident Fred Weiss, who
was among thousands who marveled Tuesday as the shuttle Discovery, piggy-back
on a 747, flew overhead en route to Dulles International Airport. The combo
took a few swoops around D.C., at an easy-to-spot 1,500 feet, eliciting
awe-struck cheers - the same reaction that greeted each of its thunderous 39
launches into space.
“That
is just so wow,” said Martha Taft of
the District, wiping away tears as Discovery zoomed over Memorial Bridge with a
barely audible “whoosh.”
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You must be
asking, is Martha related? Martha is Pam’s little sister and Fred is Martha’s
husband. They’ve lived in D.C. for the last 5 or 6 years and were there to
witness this historic event and be quoted in the Washington Post. Fred has
promised an autographed copy of that day’s paper with a family discount, coming
to $5. I might take him up on that – but for the fact that he’s a Yankee’s fan.
Martha is one of us – a Bosox fan and although it gets tense in their household
come September, they’re a great couple that won't let a little team rivalry come
between them.
Let’s see
what old stuff has been received of late:
How the
Internet Was Started!
In ancient Israel, it came
to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young
wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and
long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said
unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town
with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?
And Abraham
did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load,
but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot
replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send
messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who
hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by
Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham
thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the
drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had
at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent
neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised
a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum
Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and
pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young
men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel
dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or
NERDS.
And lo, the
land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of
drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising
drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the
land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with
Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.
And Dot did
say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekie , or eBay as it
came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we
are."
And Dot
replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO,"
said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's
cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that
he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything
(GOOGLE).
That is how
it all began. And that's the truth!
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Cool pilot
story!
Once upon a
time, a Pilot asked a beautiful Princess: "Will you marry me?" The Princess said: "No!"
And the pilot
lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot
cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants
and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and
drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard
bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and
guns and Ferrari, and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and pizza and drank
great wines, and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his
friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of
money in the bank and left the toilet seat up . . .
The End.
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Grandpa or Never Lost
Your Grandson!
My small
grandson got lost at the mall, he approached a uniformed security guard and
said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
"The
guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little
tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Jack Daniels and women with big
tits."
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A young
couple, on the brink of
divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife, "What’s the problem?" She responds,
"My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns
to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies,
"Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."
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An elderly
man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the
night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman.
"Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old
man, "how much do I owe you?"
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"I can't
find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think
it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient,
"I'll come back when you are sober."
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After 40
years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take
up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto
mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John
worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as
his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours.
John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following
day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John
spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well
on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied,
"I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded
another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50%
for having done all of it through the muffler."
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Two young
boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded
to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son,
how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued,
"Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly,
but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that
if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either
one."
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The ambitious
coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team’s performance soars. They win the county
and state championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals easily.
Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have
a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the
coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?" She replies,
"Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you
about."
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The artist
tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model
finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms,
and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss
them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!" "Actually, I've
never tried to kiss a model before," he protested. "Really?" she
said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?" "Four
so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a
vase."
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Bill and
Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their
ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order
him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary
as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed
from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A
few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he
called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making
love." Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know
that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the
balcony, too," his son replied.
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A man
returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He
found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be
denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to
her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to
find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get
down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She
came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for
awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I
can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The
mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I
wasn't about to start now!"
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A man and
woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize
they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we
sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to
it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the
bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating
room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and
they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't
you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says.
"That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an
anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks
the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
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A man was
just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his
side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then
he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by
his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said,
"You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of
"beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What
happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing
off!"
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Time for this week’s
TGIF Golden Classic!
Fire Truck
If you don't laugh at this
one, you're not breathing..
A firefighter was working
on the engine outside the Tylden fire station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with
little ladders hung off the sides and a
garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a
firefighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled
by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over
to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire
truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The
girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the
firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you
were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'
The little girl replied
thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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That makes sense to me. Not
sure it would for the SPCA.
Time to wish you all a
happy spring and great weekend. Hope you can get outdoors and enjoy it. The
early spring here has allowed me to get out on the bike and out walking the
golf course, a lot earlier than last year. The temperatures have been rising,
although the nighttime ones do drop and they say there is a possibility of a
little wet snow on Sunday night. What? Let’s see.
Happy TGIF!
TGI-Jeff
