Greetings on this last Friday of the month. It’s been pretty hot around these parts in recent weeks. Summer has definitely arrived! The Spring was very wet, as was early summer. It meant that our golf course was practically under water. It has finally dried out now and to the extent that when we tried to play today, we had to negotiate our shots around the sprinklers that were running full blast. I managed to play 3 times this week and each time I’m getting a better score. It's more fun when one is playing well.
Looking forward to seeing Ryan Anderson this Sunday near where he is vacationing with “his girls” in upstate New York. I think the last time I saw him was in Sri Lanka in mid-2007! Lots to catch up on!
Dianne has been working hard (volunteer work) for her church in Londonderry to help price items for their annual summer “Whale of a Sale” event this Friday and Saturday. (That’s why I’ve been free to play so much golf this week! J)
We’re also looking forward to hosting Jon, Melissa and Logan next weekend up here in Vermont.
Well, it’s July and 100 degrees outside and so I think Walmart will be putting out their Christmas stuff any day now!
It’s so hot outside that when I opened the front door, I thought I was checking on the cornbread.
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Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is???
After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab. "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger. "Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time. "It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield. But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25!" another jogger yells at him
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It’s not really procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it!
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A guy with a gun storms into a bar and growls: "Who the heck had sex with my wife?":-(
A voice from the back shouts: "You don't have enough bullets!"
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Going Fishing
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" "I did, they're in your tackle box.
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Different Names for Money
How interesting .... I never thought Money has different names!!!
In temple or church, it's called donation.
In school, it's fee.
In marriage, it's called dowry.
In divorce, *alimony.*
When you owe someone, it's *debt.*
When you pay the government, it's *tax.*
In court, it's *fines.*
Civil servant retirees, it's *pension.*
Employer to workers, it's *salary.*
Master to subordinates, it's *wages.*
To children, it's *allowance.*
When you borrow from bank, it's *loan.*
When you offer after a good service. it's *tips.*
To kidnappers, it's *ransom.*
Illegally received in the name of service, it's *bribe.*
The question is, "when a husband gives to his wife, what do we call it???
ANSWER:
Money given to your wife is called DUTY, and every man has to do his duty because wives are not “DUTY FREE...”
Don’t laugh, if you have a mistress, you also need to pay “maintenance fees”!
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Some Blonde Jokes
TGIF Editor’s Note: Joya, before you get too upset, you should know that these were submitted by your Uncle Fred!
A blonde is at a soda vending machine in a casino. She sticks in a quarter, pushes the button, and catches the can when it pops out. Then she puts in another quarter and does the same, then again, and again, and again. Eventually, the casino manager comes over and says, “Hey, you must be really thirsty.”
“Not really,” replies the blonde.
The casino manager is puzzled. “Then why are you getting all these cans?”
The blonde replies. “I don’t want to stop while I’m winning.”
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A blonde sees a sign reading, “Press bell for night watchman”, and so she presses the bell. After a few moments, she hears the watchman start stomping down the stairs. She also hears him unlock the first gate, then the second gate, then she hears the alarm system shut down. Finally, she sees him walk through the revolving door. “Well,” he says, on reaching her. “What do you want?”
The blonde replies, “I just wanted to know why you can’t ring the bell yourself?”
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A blonde and a brunette are watching an evening news story about a man about to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, “I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.”
The blonde accepts the bet and, sure enough, sadly, the man jumps. The blonde gives the brunette fifty dollars. However, the brunette says, “I can’t accept your money. I watched the midday news and saw the man jump then.”
The blonde replies, “I watched the midday news too. I just didn’t think he’d do it twice in one day!”
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A blonde decides to kidnap a small boy and hold him for ransom. Having grabbed her victim from the playground, she writes a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your boy. Tomorrow, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it by the statue in the town square. Signed, a blonde.” The blonde then pins the note to the boy’s shirt and sends him home.
The next morning, the blonde checks the statue and finds the boy standing there with a bag full of money. The boy hands the blonde a note. It reads: “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
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A blonde girl runs home from school, extremely excited. “Mummy, Mummy!” she yells, bursting through the front door. “We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to six. See. One, two, three, four, five, six!”
“Very good,” says her mother.
The girl smiles broadly at the praise and says. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?”
“Yes,” replies her mother, “it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day, for the second day running, the blonde girl runs home from school, extremely excited. “Mummy, Mummy!” she yells, bursting through the front door. “We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See. A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”
“That’s very good,” says her mother.
The girl smiles broadly at the praise and says. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?”
“Yes, deary,” replies her mother, “it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day, for the third day in a row, the blonde girl runs home from school, extremely excited. “Mummy, Mummy!” she yells, bursting through the front door. “We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I had these!” The blonde girl lifts her T-shirt to reveal a pair of 38Cs.
“That’s very good,” says her mother.
The blonde smiles broadly at the praise and says. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?”
“No,” replies her mother, “it’s because you’re twenty!”
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Weather Forecasting
Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot. And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
TGIF Editor’s Note: Thank God that is an old practice that doesn’t happen in this day!!!
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God Will Provide
This one could also qualify as the golden oldie for today.
A young Jewish woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his library for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a bible scholar," he says.
"A bible scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?”
"I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us.”
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us.”
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks: "How did it go, Honey?”
The father answers: "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
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It’s Time for the TGIF Golden Classic (an oldie but goodie!)
Stranded
One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Scotsman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!?”
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Hope you all in the northern hemisphere are enjoying your summer! Climate change has presented its challenges for that, for sure. Too much heat; too many floods or other natural disasters, and so forth.
Here’s wishing you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Until the next time, take care!
TGI-Jeff
