Greetings on this Friday the first of August. We’ve had a lot of hot and humid weather lately up here and finally had a day-long rain on Thursday, which has cooled things down nicely. Now, we are looking forward to hosting Jon, Melissa and little Logan for the weekend. Last Sunday, Dianne and I did meet up with Ryan Anderson and his two daughters, Elena and Louisa, over in Lake George, NY. We had an extended lunch together “on the lake” with all the tourist boats going by. Followed by some time down at the beach. The girls got me telling them some jokes and now, I think my legacy is being passed on to their generation through them. They have already memorized two of my longest jokes (Why Are Fire Engines Red? And “Bon Apetite!”)
Cute and intelligent girls!!!
This Friday to Sunday time with Jon’s family will be split between our house here in Springfield and Dianne’s lake house near New London (NH). We’ll see how Logan (now 2 & ½) likes the lake after starting to spend some time in the pool where they live in Queens.
Then on Monday evening, all of us Pongers (11 of us) will be going over to Carmen’s house for what has become his annual summer Pong Party and barbeque. Looking forward to that too.
I have pretty much emptied my TGIF gmail inbox in order to issue this message, so it may be some time until you receive another one of these messages. Do I need to give you a “Trump deadline”?
Okay, time to dive in …..
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can Ido?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
* * * * * * * *
Three tons of hair was stolen from a wig factory.
The police are combing the area.
* * * * * * * *
A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions to give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word. "I’ve got a few suggestions," he says. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand. The new priest tries this. "Very good," says his senior. "Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'Yes, go on.'"
The younger priest practices these sayings, too.
"Well done," says the older priest. "Don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
* * * * * * * *
Tax Return
A man from New York City found himself in a spot of bother after the IRS returned his tax return to him due to an incorrectly-answered question. One of the questions on his tax return asked him to list his dependents.
A few days later, they received the following response: “12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and numerous others who call themselves politicians, but are in fact nothing of the sort.” In a strongly-worded letter accompanying the man’s tax return, the IRS responded: “This answer is completely unacceptable and an insult to this government institution.”
In turn, he replied: “I thought it was quite detailed. Who did I leave out?”
* * * * * * * *
What is the difference between a doctor and God? God doesn't think he is a doctor!
* * * * * * * *
Tree Cutting
A man walks into Home Depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!”
The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!”
The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option, this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!”
The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!”
The employee apologizes, "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!”
Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!”
The employee says, "OK sir, let me have a look at the saw." The employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole store.
The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks, "What the hell is that sound?!?"
* * * * * * * *
In a 3rd grade class Jonny was asked if he knew what a cannibal was. He said to the teacher "no sir" "Well, if you ate your parents what would you be?" Jonny’s teacher asked him and Jonny said, "An orphan!"
* * * * * * * *
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane. There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”
Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.” The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him.
The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having made love to a woman. Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off.
As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.”
The boy says “just a LITTLE longer next time dad!”
* * * * * * * *
Did you hear about the rooster who stayed awake all night so that he could see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
* * * * * * * *
Missing Wife
A man walks into a police station in tears and goes to the sergeant at the desk.
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home!”
Sergeant: "What is her height?”
Husband: "Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.”
Sergeant: "Weight?”
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.”
Sergeant: "Color of eyes?”
Husband: "Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.”
Sergeant: "Color of hair?”
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now?”
Sergeant: "What was she wearing?”
Husband: "Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.”
Sergeant: "What kind of car did she go in?”
Husband: "She went in my Jeep.”
Sergeant: "What kind of Jeep was it?”
Husband: (sobbing) It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer...... (At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full meltdown)
The sergeant, touched, hands him a tissue: "There there buddy. We'll find your Jeep."
* * * * * * * *
A duck walks into a pharmacy. He says, "I'd like a Chapstick." The pharmacist hands him the Chapstick and asks, "will that be cash or charge?" The duck replies, "just put it on my bill."
* * * * * * * *
Golf Etiquette
A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph”.
Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot. He hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway. It also goes straight at big Ralph, hitting him in the back of the head and knocking him down.
The mute then walks down the fairway, rolls the stunned man around, and holds up four fingers to Ralph's face.
* * * * * * * *
What’s brown and sticky? A stick
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic.
An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to an entire sermon on the Ten Commandments. After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it.”
"You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" the preacher asked.
"No, the one about adultery did," the old man said. "As soon as you said that I remembered where I left my old hat."
* * * * * * * *
Isn’t it interesting that folks at our age need to have something to jog our memories?!
I hope you all have a fantastic Friday and wonderful weekends!
Until who knows when, ciao!
TGI-Jeff
