Greetings from the Green Mountain State on this Friday in the middle of summer. As I draft this on Thursday evening, it is July 10th. That is not a date that Vermonters are fond of. The northern part of the state had devastating floods on this date in both 2023 and 2024. So, today, when the weather forecast was for possible heavy rain, thunderstorms and possible flash floods, many Vermonters were, I’m sure, experiencing some form of PTSD. How can this happen in 3 consecutive years???!!!
One answer might be: climate change. I have been wondering what those who don’t believe in man-made climate change think about the latest flood tragedy in Texas and how the current administrations in Washington and Texas have been de-funding FEMA and early warning systems and so forth. It’s so depressing.
But that is not the purpose of my Friday message. I want to make you smile or chuckle.
We had a rather quiet 4th of July weekend, but on Monday, Dianne and I went over to Hanna Croix, NY to join a family gathering of her mom’s side of the family (Hubbard). It was a nice gathering, and it was good to spend time with her uncle John and also her aunt Lorraine and several cousins and second cousins.
I had a message several months ago from someone I recruited to WFP in Sri Lanka, Ryan Anderson, who said he was coming to this area in July. So, Ryan, please let me know when as I’d like to see you. Our plans tend to get busy as time gets close.
It’s been a few weeks since I last issued one of these. But thanks to a few of you, but mainly Debba, for the material provided for this edition.
A Good Question
Q: "What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"
A: "One takes things literally. One takes things, literally.”
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Politicians and heroin addicts are the same. politicians and heroin addicts have an affliction and addiction. Heroin addicts are addicted to heroin politicians are addicted to power.
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Going Ape
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door. "Now, tell him you have a headache”.
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Para-Olympics
Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games. The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block.
The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in. They go at it like crazy and finally, the guy with no legs reaches the finish line. Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water.
He dives and grabs the head that was underwater. The head coughs some water and says: "I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start some idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me.
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He Has a Memory like an Elephant
An elephant was drinking out of the river one day when he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log. The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?"
The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago."
The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!"
"Yes," said the elephant proudly. "Turtle recall."
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The Nursing Mother
A woman is riding the bus while trying to breastfeed her baby. The baby, however, isn't interested. After several tries, the mother is quite angry. "Drink the milk or I'll give it all to the man sitting at the back!" she says. The baby is still playing around. A few minutes later she tries again, "drink the milk or I'll really give it all to the man at the back, and you'll go hungry!" The baby continues rejecting her. She tries again, very angry this time, "I'm definitely going to give it all to the man at the back if you don't behave!" This goes on a few more times. Suddenly she hears a voice from the back of the bus - "Lady will you please make up your mind? I was supposed to get off 5 stops ago."
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The Secret
A TV crew decides to visit a hundred year old man living alone in a cabin in the woods. When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man. They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:
"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified. I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well.
I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard. I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice.
When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love.
In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him.”
The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life.”
"Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress... That kind of stuff."
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Weighs and Means
A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine to insert the coin. Out came a card that said: "You weigh 126 pounds, and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she broke wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read: "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, a really hot guy will show up and show interest in you." After another 30 seconds, a muscular blonde, blue-eyed guy emerged out of a nearby alley and beckoned her to go over to him. Seeing as her love life had been quiet for a while, she obliged. Once she was done being the center of attention, she fumbled through her purse and found another dime. Feeling like a supermodel closing the Versace show at Paris Fashion Week, she shimmied over to the machine and put it in. Again, a little card popped out that said: "You still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus.
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Water Supply
One day, Grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink.
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It’s Time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week.
Pain Killer
The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!”
The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills”.
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet”.
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
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I’ve been enjoying watching many of the Wimbledon tennis matches and also my Boston Red Sox who have lately been on a winning streak. It’s more fun when they play well. It seems like a waste of time when they don’t.
Be sure to think of me when you receive a funny message from one of your friends. I need the material if you want to receive one of these messages from time to time.
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
