Greetings on this last day of the work week! Yes, that would be Friday! And not only is it Friday, but it’s the day of the Summer Solstice. Thank God! I always look forward to summers in Vermont. Yet, they always seem to fly by so quickly! I need to relax and just enjoy every day. I have some friends who say that Vermont has about 10 months of winter and 2 months of really bad sledding. Others say that winter lasts 9 months here and the other 3 months are road construction. Some ask if we have air conditioning. I usually respond to that by saying that each summer there are 3 or 4 days when we need air conditioning. But we manage with a few box fans. It is also one of those states where you might use the car heater in the morning and use the car’s AC in the afternoon.
The NHL hockey season ended on Tuesday night in Florida when the Florida Panthers defeated the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup. A bit bittersweet for us Bruins fans (Boston) as they traded away our star player, Brad Marchand, to the Panthers a few months ago and he was instrumental in their victory. The NBA season will probably end tonight (Thursday) in Indiana where the Oklahoma City Thunder (formerly the Seattle Supersonics) will likely close out the Pacers in Game Six. If the Pacers manage a home-court win, then the series returns to Oklahoma City for Game Seven. The Thunder have one of the youngest teams in the NBA but are really good!
Last weekend was my high school’s alumni weekend (it’s now always held on the weekend of Father’s Day) and we all had a lot of fun. On Friday the 13th we had our 22nd Annual Alumni Golf Scramble with 32 teams of alums playing in it. We had a team of 3 in our class of 1969 and a good friend in the class of 1968. We had a lot of fun, including exploding golf balls and so forth.
On Saturday morning was the annual Springfield High School Alumni Parade. Both Dianne’s brother Chris (class of ’75), and my sister-in-law Martha Taft (class of ’75) were there for the 50th reunion. They had a nice float and a good dinner together on Saturday night. Also, my brother-in-law, Rod Taft, class of 1970, whose 50th reunion in 2020 was cancelled due to Covid, came up for his 55th reunion. So, on Sunday morning we all (Chris and Nibal, Fred and Martha, Rod and Christine, and Dianne and me) met for breakfast at the local inn where they stayed (and where Joya and Chris got married at in 2016!). It’s always great to get together with family!
Let’s see what I have in the tgif joke bag to choose from for this issue.
Confession
You heard the story about the man who went to confession after visiting a convent and he said to the priest bless me father, I’ve slept with a nun.
The priest responds. Oh, that’s OK; just as long as you don’t get into the habit.
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The Kung Fu student and his master
A Kung Fu pupil asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." The master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I watch it every night." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training."
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
Why is the number eight afraid of the number seven? Because seven ate nine.
A neutron walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer." The bartender says "Hey! Neutron! For you -‐ no charge!"
One morning, a girl says to her mum, "Does God use our bathroom?" Her mum replies, "No dear, why do you ask?" The little girl says, "Well, every morning daddy says 'Oh God, are you still in there!"
A man driving into town spots a truck broken down on the side of the road. He stops to help. The truck driver says he is on his way to deliver some penguins to the zoo. The truck driver says, "I'll give you some cash if you could take the penguins to the zoo for me." The man agrees. Later, when the truck is fixed, the truck driver drives into town and spots the man close to the zoo, walking with a row of penguins waddling behind him, away from the zoo. The truck driver stops and asks, "What are you doing? I gave you money to take the penguins to the zoo?" The man replies, "I did, but we got change so we're going to the movies!"
Where do sheep get their haircut? At the Bah-‐Bah-‐Shop.
What do you get if you cross Frosty the Snowman with Count Dracula? Frostbite
Did you hear about the two maggots who were fighting in dead Earnest?
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak? A head banger.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it. Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way.
Two sailors are eating biscuits together. One breaks a biscuit and two bugs, one large and one small, jump out and run across the table. The sailor asks his mate, "Now, is it better to eat the big one or the small one?" The other replied, "The answer is simple: you must always choose the lesser of two weevils."
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? He lies awake all night long, wondering if there really is a dog.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!
Where would you find a tortoise with no legs? Wherever you left it
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, and the barman says "I'm sorry we don't serve food"
Bob is sitting in a bar next to a guy named Clark. Clark gets his usual and drains it he then turns to Bob and says, "I bet you I can jump of the roof and float to the ground." Bob says "okay go for it." So Clark jumps and floats to the ground. So Bob orders what Clark just had and tries to jump and float. So he jumps and SPLAT he hits the ground and dies. Clark walks back in the bar and the barkeep says, "You know Superman you're really mean when your drunk!"
Did you hear that they dug up Beethoven's body last week? They found him decomposing.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate.
A man driving on a highway is pulled over by a police officer. The officer asks, "Did you know your wife and children fell out of your car a kilometer back?". A smile creeps onto the man's face and he exclaims, "Thank God! I thought I was going deaf!"
Q: where is a cemetery located in any town? A: In the dead center of it!
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Taking Lessons
Sam and his wife Rachel were playing golf at the club when she drove a 300 yard tee shot straight down the fairway. Sam said, 'Wow I have never seen you play this well before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. A couple of days later on the tennis court in mixed doubles, she smashes her serves and never misses a point. Sam said to her: 'Wow I have never seen you hit so well before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. On the weekend they settled into a nice dinner at home. Rachel brings out the perfect plates of Beef Wellington and Sam says, 'Delicious! I have never seen you cook like this before!' 'I took lessons.' Says Rachel. After dinner she gives him THAT look and they go upstairs. About 30 minutes later Sam rolls over and says 'Wow! That was incredible, amazing, so hot... I want a divorce.'
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The Hamster and the Singing Frog
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."
"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...
"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.
"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
"It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is a ventriloquist."
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Life's truths and rules
6 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules
There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun, the Moon, and the Truth.
The following are 2 Simple Truths, 6 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
After sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, Congratulations." But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
SIX RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
6. No matter how rich you are, no matter how generous you are, no matter how good you look. The number of people who attend your
funeral will depend on the weather, unless there's an open bar.
BONUS RULES:
1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing
one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.
This was a public service announcement
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More Rules
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."
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How men and women record things (differently!) in their diaries......
------ Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
-----Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt..........who the hell misses a two-foot putt!
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Conception
A boy goes to his father and asks him: "Daddy, how was I born?" "Ah, very well," His dad sighed. "One day you'll find out anyway. How shall I put it in a way your generation will understand... Well," he said "mom and dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber café. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story!"
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Food for Thought
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..’
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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The one above is one I’ve used before, but it always brings a smile to my face!
Later today will be the Summer Solstice and so today (in the northern hemisphere) will be the longest of the year. It means that it’s the officially summer. We’ve had a very wet Spring and that has not been nice to my home golf course. But I still manage to play every Tuesday and Thursday mornings with many senior friends. It got up to the 80s today (Thursday).
So, I wish you all a happy and healthy summer!
Until the next time, take care!
TGI-Jeff
