Greetings from your Friday guy, only one week after my last issue! I hope you are impressed. As I mentioned last week, I did attend last Sunday the Middlebury College graduation of Mahnoor Ahmad, the daughter of one of my former Pakistani colleagues, Rashida Amir. Rashida wasn’t able to attend and so I offered to stand in for her “as family”, although I had never met Mahnoor prior to this. She sent me a photo of herself, and I sent her one of mine, prior to the day. But she added that I’d be able to spot her easily as she would be on crutches. A week before, she broke a few toes playing volleyball with her friends. My family has a history with Middlebury College. My father-in-law, Hugh Taft, attended there and was in the class of 1944. (He was one of two in that class to attend his 70th reunion there in 2014!) Other Taft family members also attended Middlebury. Then, my late wife, Pam, attended it and graduated in 1973. Then, our oldest son Jonathan and daughter Joya attended and graduated in 2005 and 2006. So, I have a connection with it and was happy to drive up the 75 miles to Middlebury last Sunday. Rain threatened the whole time, but fortunately none fell as there were thousands of people there outdoors for the graduation.
I noticed that I was low on gas on my drive up, but I wanted to get there to find a place to park and by on time. So, I thought that I’d get gas afterwards. Well, 3 or 4 hours later, I walk back to the car and check my GPS to see if I could drive home on a more scenic route that I had never been on before. Sure enough. It was about the same distance and so I decided to take it, forgetting that I was low on gas. Five miles out of Middlebury, on Route 30 going south, my vehicle’s caution light came on letting my know I was almost out of gas. It asked me if I wanted help finding the nearest gas station. Usually, I answer “No’, as I know where I am and where I can get gas. But this time, I was in unfamiliar territory and so, I pressed “Yes”. It then showed me that it was “searching, searching, searching and then concluded that there were no gas stations anywhere nearby! I just kept driving wondering if I was going to run out of gas for the next 30 miles, until I probably made it into Castleton on the fumes left. I got 16.3 gallons of gas, while I thought the tank held only 16 gallons. Whew!!!
We’ve had a lot of rain around here recently and the ground is saturated and the golf course doesn’t allow carts, only walkers. It’s dried up a bit in recent days, but we are likely to get a lot more rain on Saturday.
As usual this time of year, I have purchased quite a few annual flowers to plant in small pots to place around the house and on my deck boxes out back. I love all the colors during the summer.
Thanks to Debba, I have several jokes to share with you today.
Seeing Eye Dog
Two women are walking their dogs, one a German Shepherd and one a Pekingese, down the road when they smell something delicious from a restaurant nearby. “Shall we get some lunch?” the first woman says. The second woman looks at her skeptically. “They’ll never let us bring our dogs in the restaurant.”
“Don’t worry,” the first woman replies. “I have a plan.” She then puts on a pair of dark glasses and goes into the restaurant, behaving as though the German Shepherd is her seeing eye dog, and no one is the wiser. Inspired by her friend’s clever plan, the second woman puts on a pair of dark glasses and goes inside. The head waiter takes one look at her and says, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t allow dogs in here.”
“But, you don’t understand,” the second woman says. “This is my seeing eye dog.”
“Is it now?” the head waiter says incredulously. “Seeing eye dogs are supposed to be German Shepherds.” The woman then exclaims, “You mean - .it’s not?”
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Long Live the Bank Robbers
Jeff and his girlfriend Jenny decide to become bank-robbers. Jenny does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while Jeff waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.
At trial, the judge condemns Jenny to ten years in prison, while Jeff gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error Jeff will be serving ten years and Jenny only two. Despite of her insistence, Jeff convinces Jenny to keep quiet about it.
After two years Jenny gets out and she continues to visit Jeff faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years. Finally, after he does his time, Jeff gets out and is joyfully reunited with Jenny. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind.
They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage. On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together. The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage.
One of the guests asks Jenny why she decided to stick with Jeff while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.
Jenny answers: "Well... you know you have found the One when you finish each other's sentences."
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Smart Businesswomen
An attorney called and asked to speak to his client, a wealthy art collector. He said, "Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first.”
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right.”
Matt perked up and replied, "Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news.
What is it?" "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
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Hollywood Squares
I know that I’ve used these several times, but they are good and most of you have, no doubt, forget that you saw them here before.
If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and often dull as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course. The younger readers among you won't know who some of these people are.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa [Gabor], does black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies -- but I don't recommend the cookies!
Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.
Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.
Peter Marshall: True or false, George: experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.
Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
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Family Traditions
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair. What I want you to do," the man continued, "is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong.”
So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
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You Might Need Psychological Help
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of it, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm really sorry. I keep doing this to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this.”
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come.”
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being. Six months later, the man was back.
"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face. The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.
"The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good.”
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
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Don’t forget to share with me any good material that your friends share with you. I need the material if you like receiving these. Debba wants to see some that she hasn’t seen before!
Just time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend.
Also, a shoutout to oldest son Jon for his birthday on Monday, the 2nd!
Until the next time,
TGI-Jeff
