Greetings on this last day of the work week (for those of you “unretired” recipients of this missive) and so you should be happy about that. Once again, it’s been about 4 weeks since I put one of these together. Life gets in the way sometimes; actually quite often! Nothing wrong with that, is there? I’ve been out cleaning up the yard and even planting some new perennials that we bought. We have a small garden, but mainly I like to tend to my blueberry bushes and all the perennials that bloom at different times during the summer season. I even got out my hummingbird feeder out earlier enough to entice them for frequent visits to it. We also seem to have some birds making nests in various places around the house. I have seen a couple of cardinals flying all around and I recognize their calls now too. I also discovered that a pair of small birds have built a nest in the stove pipe (outside) of my wood pellet stove.
We’re in the middle of a “Nor’easter” storm of lots of rain now as I write. Looks like we’ll have rain for most of today and part of tomorrow. On Sunday, I’ll be driving up to Middlebury to attend this year’s graduation. I have a family connection to that wonderful school. My father-in-law attended it and graduated in 1944. My late wife, Pam, went there and graduated in 1973. Then, two of my children (I usually say “kids”), Jonathan and Joya, went there too.
Well, the daughter of a former colleague in the WFP Pakistan office, Rashida Amir, has a daughter who has studied there these last 4 years and will graduate this Sunday. Unfortunately, Rashida cannot travel to attend and so I offered to represent her at her daughter’s graduation. I’m honored to do this. I only wish Rashida could have been able to come as well.
I’m glad to hear from so many of you that you enjoy the jokes and I thank those of you (a few) who contribute.
Let’s dive in!
Nourishment is Important
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River. After a few hours just lying about, the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.’
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'What have you been eating?’
'Well, mostly politicians that come here with their mistresses, same as you!' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
'On the other side of the river near the car park.’
'Same here. Hmm... Tell me your method. How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc. ‘
Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the c*ap out of them and eat 'em!’
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the c*ap out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an a**hole with a briefcase.'
* * * * * * * *
Birth Control
Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to lovemaking and then birth control.
The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it.”
The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method.”
The third woman says "I'm catholic too but we use the bucket and saucer method.”
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others ask.
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."
* * * * * * * *
Ten Good Rules
1. Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference!
2. Observe everything; admire nothing!
3. It's easier to obtain forgiveness than it is permission!
4. Rarely resist the opportunity to keep your mouth shut!
5. Don't ask the question if you cannot live with the answer!
6. If you want a new idea, read an old book!
7. If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there!
8. Never have a philosophy which supports a lack of courage!
9. Never look back unless you intend to go that way!
10. Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it!
* * * * * * * *
Some Stuff on Ageing
As an intro to this one, I want to say that I attended a talk on ageing a few years ago. The speaker started off by asking if the attendees were looking forward to ageing. Some slowly raised their hands while others kept them down. He then stated, “Well, it beats the alternative!”
So true. Those of us still above ground have a lot to be grateful for!
What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.
* *
What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.
* *
Why should you marry someone older than you?
As your looks fade, so will their eyesight.
* *
What’s the ultimate proof you are old?
Your clothes have come back into fashion.
* *
What is something only old people understand?
The importance of making a note by your bedside table to never take a sleeping pill on the same night as a laxative.
* * * * * * * *
More Observations About Ageing
"I don't do alcohol anymore—
I get the same effect just standing up fast." -
*Anonymous*
"To get back to my youth,
I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." -
*Oscar Wilde*
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it." -
*Golda Meir*
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened." -
*Mark Twain*
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." -
*Jennifer Yane*
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." -
*Mark Twain*
"First, you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." *Leo Rosenberg*
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas." *Claude Pepper*
"If you want to know how old a woman is, then ask her sister-in-law." -
*Edgar Howe*
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." -
*Tom Wilson*
“Ageing seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” -
*Kitty O’Neill Collins*
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." -
*Joan Rivers*
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." -
*Ann Landers*
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." -
*Rose Kennedy*
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." -
*Unknown*
"We don’t grow older. We grow riper." -
*Pablo Picasso*
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - *Andy Rooney*
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam." -
*George Carlin*
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." -
*Bob Hope*
"I’m 59, and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?" -
*Barry Cryer*
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” -
*George Burns*
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." -
*Albert Einstein*
"There’s one advantage to being 102. There’s no peer pressure." -
*Dennis Wolfberg*
* * * * * * * *
Astute Observations
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?”
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
* * * * * * * *
Some Important Questions
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
EVER WONDER... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* * * * * * * *
Give Him the Message, Please
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. “Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Ah..what should I tell him?” the bartender manages to squeak.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”
* * * * * * * *
The Easter Rabbit
Once upon a time, there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was. The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault.”
The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?”
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."
* * * * * * * *
I had to end this one with a “groaner”. I love them but not everyone else does.
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Happy Memorial Day to all my American friends.
Until the next time, Peace!
TGI-Jeff
