Greetings from this last Friday of April. So, TGIF! Spring is now in the process of springing and buds are on the bushes and trees and the tulips and daffodils are coming up here. I’ve spent the last few days raking and picking up dead branches that have fallen all over my yard. And today, I had my first pit fire on my back hill to burn up all those dead branches that fell on my yard over the winter. I love fires whether they are in my house (fireplace) or on the back hill fire pit. It’s my meditation spot.
I had a great trip to Colorado for the week of 7 to 14 April to help me older brother Nate celebrate his 80th birthday. We skied at Winter Park for 3 days around his birthday with all his Skimeister friends. I had a hard time trying to keep up with all those good skiers, but Nate was patient and we managed to just about keep up. Most of the skiers were older than me and many in their early 80s. In fact, Nate’s good friend Lynn, is 81 and managed to ski a total of 100 days this winter! I want to thank Lynn for all his logistics support that week and he and Rick for making everything work so smoothly. Rick has been a long-time friend of Nate’s who bikes with him and skis with him. He and I also share the same birth date and the same year. We’re not sure who is older, but it’s only by a few hours. Nate had about 3 parties to celebrate his reaching 80. They were all a lot of fun, including Karen’s dinner party for him on the Saturday of that week at their beautiful home in Estes Park.
So, thanks to Nate, Karen, Rick and Lynn for a wonderful week in Colorado!
Now, back in Vermont with Spring springing out, I am enjoying cleaning up the yard and getting ready to plant some herbs and flowers and perenials. I love this time of year!
Let’s see what I have to share with you all this week!
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A new CEO of a large corporation was speaking at a motivational workshop to his management team on 'Sense of Responsibility.'
To make the introduction interesting, he posed a question... *"Tell me, sleeping with my wife is my duty or responsibility ?"*
Pin dropped silence.
That question was never taught in any university or text book.
The CEO walked up & down the aisle proudly thinking how smart he was by posting that question.
After a few moments of silence a young intern graduate stood up.
He looked left & right feeling nervous & said, *"Sir, It's your duty".*
*"Why ?"* asked the CEO.
Everyone was curious for the answer!
The young local graduate inhaled slowly and said,*"If it was a responsibility, you would have passed it down to one of us, especially the young grads who are in need of experience & exposures!"*
* * * * * * * *
Three Divorced Guys
Three divorced guys were walking down the beach one day and came across a genii’s bottle. They of course rubbed it to see what would happen.
A genii appeared. He told them that because they got three wishes, he’d give them each one of the three. There was only one caveat: whatever each of them wished for, their ex-wife would receive double of whatever they asked for.
The first guy thought about it for a second and said, “well, I’ll take $1 million!” Poof. He got his million and his wife got two.
The second guy, having seen what happens, says, “I get it. I just want a new fancy car, so I’ll take a Lamborghini.” Done. He gets his car and his wife gets two.
The third guy pauses for a second. Thinks a bit. Rubs his chin. Then, finally, says, “Genii - I want you to scare me half to death!”
* * * * * * * *
The Wife’s On a Winning Streak!
One day a woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?”
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”
The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?”
She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”
The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?”
She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.”
Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!”
He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!"
* * * * * * * *
The Horse and the Chicken
A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow. The horse fell into a mud pool and began to sink. The horse called to the chicken to go and get help from the farmer.
The chicken ran to the farm but the farmer was nowhere to be found, and so she drove the farmer's BMW back to the mud pool and tied a length rope around the bumper. She then threw the other end of the rope to her friend and drove the car forward, saving the horse from his muddy demise.
The next day, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken called to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse said, "There's no time! I have another idea - I think I can stand over the pool!" So he stretched over the width of the pool and said, "Grab my dick and pull yourself up!" The chicken did so and the horse pulled her to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
* * * * * * * *
Why A Wife Should Trust Her Husband
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.
For Example
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
* * * * * * * *
The $ 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for$2.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS! WE'VE been around the block more than once
* * * * * * * *
Gardening 101
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”
The man replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”
She says to herself "Well, what the heck it can’t hurt to try it.”
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. “So so,” she answers. “The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”
* * * * * * * *
How Can I Help?
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."
The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?”
The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?"
The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."
* * * * * * * *
The Ark
Some years ago, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans, thy sons and their wives." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. "I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go! "When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I am required to apply for 834 different licenses to keep wild beasts on private property.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood. Further, the pitch to water-proof the ark has been banned by the EPA as inimical to the environment. "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
"Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The scaffolding to build the superstructure is not OSHA-approved and is forbidden to use except for private structures less than 5 cubits.. "The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 100 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "Does this sign mean you're not going to destroy the world, oh Lord?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
* * * * * * * *
I guess that’s all I have for this week. Don’t forget to send me any good ones that you receive.
I wish you all in the northern hemisphere a happy spring!
And I wish you a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
