Greetings from your old guy in Vermont on this first day of March, - and last day of the work week! TG! WHAT? You are probably thinking? Two weeks in a row?!!! I haven’t managed that very often since I retired. But, I finally got around to “retire” from my first attempt at retiring. Retire is a good and appropriate word. When I left WFP after my 31-year career, I came home to Vermont to retire. However, I was soon invited and encouraged to join the boards of several local civic organizations, or non-profits and others, like my church. After a decade of doing a lot of volunteer work with this (after taking off my WFP tires, but just putting on new tires to use in my retirement – “retired”, as it were) I finally have stepped down from those jobs of my initial retirement and so, I have a little more “free time”. I think I can say that I have retired from my retirement. I’m treading on new territory, - in my “retreads”. (I guess all those Puns used in last week’s issue have inspired me!)
After issuing my TGIF last week on 23 February, I remembered that that date was the birthday of a girl I dated in college. In fact, she was two years older than me, a junior when I was a freshman. On her 21st birthday, she wanted to go to the local bar-restaurant where they would give you a free drink on your 21st birthday – which was the age that one was allowed to drink (officially). So, I borrowed a fake ID to use so that I could join her for her “first drink”. We bellied up to the bar and Jean announced that it was her 21st birthday and wondered if that was good for a free drink. The woman working the bar assured us that it was and asked to see our IDs. Fortunately, she was probably more concentrated on Jean’s ID to verify that it was indeed her birthday, and she glanced at my ID and threw me a suspicious look, but gave it back to me and asked what we’d like to drink. Jean ordered some fancy drink that had a little umbrella in it, while I just ordered a draft. We were thoroughly enjoying ourselves and near the end of our second drink, she announced in an unfortunately loudish voice, loud enough for the bar maid to hear, that we should come back in a few years to celebrate my 21st birthday. (We left very quickly after that!)
This Saturday night, Dianne and I will attend the annual Springfield High School Sports Hall of Fame Induction. It is being held at the golf course banquet room as, in addition to several individual male and female athletes from across the years (from 1922 to 1995 this year) the SHS golf team of 1956 and its coach are being inducted. Since my retirement (no, not that word again! You say) I have become the self-appointed historian of this local country club which was created in the early 1950s out of an old farm. So, since there is a focus on the role of the golf course in the Springfield community and the fact that the SHS 1956 golf team (boys) won the Vermont Interscholastic Golf Championship and that team is being inducted, I have been asked to speak about the history of the club.
I can’t remember if I have previously mentioned the big event that will take place in northern Vermont in early April. There will be a total solar eclipse that will last 3 or 4 minutes as the line/path of totality passes over Burlington and norther VT, including the Northeast Kingdom. Maybe Dianne and I can drive up that day (if it’s not cloudy) and hang out there and then drive back - - - as there are not likely to be any vacant motel rooms. Just up Interstate 91 for a few hours. Let’s see. Some say that there is an 80% chance of it being a cloudy day then. Oh well.
Thanks to a couple of friends (Deb and Dave) I have the following material to offer up for this week:
Divorce
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
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Candles
Mrs. Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick..... Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there". "Yes Father" Says Rosy. "How is your husband and the little ones ?" "Husband is fine but so far, no children". Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. I will light a candle for you there." "Thank you, Father Patrick." After some years, Father Patrick happens to meet Rosy again. "Hello Rosy, how's everything? Did you have any kids?" "Yes Father. I have three sets of twins and two singles. Total 8 kids". "Wow! Where is your husband?" "Oh, he's gone to Rome all of a sudden... Said something about blowing out some candle."
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The New CEO
The CEO of a Fortune 500 firm was canned by the board. They brought in a successor who, in getting settled, discovered three envelopes from the previous CEO in his desk drawer. A note instructed him to open the envelopes in order at the end of the next three quarters. He found this amusing and promptly forgot it.
His first quarter was a disaster. Profits down, people problems, etc. He had to appear before the board. He remembered the envelopes and opened the first one. It said: “Blame me.”
He did. He told the board this was all the previous guy’s fault and it would soon be straightened out and the company put in good order. The board agreed and he went back to work.
The next quarter was worse. Profits were gone, strikes were threatened, the competition was eating their lunch. He opened the second envelope. It said: “Blame the economy.”
He did. He went to the board and told them about supply chain problems, inability to get parts, and Covid-19 issues. The board reluctantly bought it and he went back to work.
The third quarter was a total catastrophe. They showed a heavy loss, wildcat strikes broke out, and the employees were vandalizing the plants. He was ordered to meet with the board. His hands trembled as he opened the third envelope. It began…
“Prepare three envelopes…”
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Going Crazy
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"
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Burma Shave signs
I grew up in the Midwest and in New England. When in Ohio as a youngster, our family did a lot of traveling in the summer and I had the opportunity to see many of these Burma Shave signs along the road. Very short phrases were printed on a series of signs along those old 2-lane rural roads.
A man, a miss, A car a curve.
He kissed the miss,
And missed the curve. Burma Shave
I'm sure that Burma Shave actually saved some lives. People laughed and then were more careful! It was a REAL "service" to America, even though it was an advertisement and it was one of the RARE "really useful" ones!
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's.
Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet… and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR. Burma Shave
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP. Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE. Burma Shave
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT. Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING. Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE. Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER. Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT. Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE. Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT? Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU. Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN’ Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY. Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE. Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING. Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW. Burma Shave
Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child....
If they do.....then you're old as dirt. LIKE ME!
My personal favorite that I actually saw as a young boy was the following;
THIRTY DAYS
HATH SEPTEMBER
APRIL, JUNE
AND THE SPEED OFFENDER. Burma Shave
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Time for the TGIF Golden Classic
The Old Doberman
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. |
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We have had one of the mildest, warmest winters ever! A few days ago, it was in the 50s (F)(about 15 C) and yesterday it dropped to below freezing and was extremely windy and cold. We can apply that old New England saying, “If you don’t like the weather, wait a bit!” It seems we’ve had rain just as often as snow. So depressing, in general, and especially for skiers. I’ve only gone skiing about a dozen times this year, so far.
Time to wish you a nice end of the week and a wonderful month of March!
TGI-Jeff
