Greetings from yours truly on this International Women’s Day 2024!
More rain and warm weather. We now have no snow on the ground here, in early March.
One Vermont tradition continued this week and that is the Vermont Town Meeting Day. It was also the primary for US president. Vermont used to be the most Republican state in the union. It always voted Republican. But that started to change in the early 1960s when Phil Hoff (DEM) won the governorship. In fact, one evening I came home from HS basketball practice and saw him in my living room. Apparently, my parents agreed to host a democratic gathering in our town for him. Then in the late 60s, all the hippies started moving here. Then, in 1974, Patrick Leahy (DEM) was elected as US Senator. Later on, Bernie Sanders (Progressive) became Mayor of Burlington, VT. Then, the state became the first to approve civil unions. Then, Senator Robert Stafford (REP) switched from Republican to Independent (but aligned with DEMs). Then, Bernie replaced him as Senator. It was the only state that George W Bush did not visit during his 8-year tenure as president. Now, our congressional reps are all Democrats. Although we have a Republican governor. That’s because in Vermont, we vote for the person, over the party. And our current governor is doing a good job. In fact, he never supported Trump and urged Vermonters to vote for Nikki Haley. Well, they did! I assume some democrats opted for a Republican ballot on Tuesday and so, the only state that Nikki Haley won was Vermont!
I heard today that we are 31 days away from the Solar Eclipse that will pass through northern Vermont on 8 April. Ramadan also begins this Sunday (or Monday). I wonder if it will be a 29 or 30 day fasting month this year. I know that if the Eid holiday is on the 9th of April, someone is cheating. You have to see the crescent moon and you can’t see it if it is below the horizon.
Time to dive into the joke bag.
Fishing (or is it Phishing?)
It was a long day at work, and George decided to leave his London office and walk to the pub across the street to get a few drinks. The rain was pouring as he stepped out, and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. As he crossed the street, he noticed a ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
His curiosity piqued, he stopped next to the old man and asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," the old man said simply without looking at George.
"Poor old fool," George thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he thought he'd humor the old man and asked, "Well... how many have you caught?"
"You're the eighth."
* * * * * * * *
Trump
Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks what he’ll be doing in a year.
The teller says, “I see you riding down Pennsylvania Avenue in a fancy limousine.
People on both sides of the road are yelling and cheering and celebrating.”
Trump says, “Am I smiling”?
The teller answers, “I don’t know, the casket is closed.”
* * * * * * * *
Due to my time alone, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
I tried donating blood today…NEVER AGAIN! Too many stupid questions:
Who’s blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is ‘yes’ or ‘no’.
Not all this “Who are you and how did you get in here?” nonsense.
Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Struggling to get your wife’s attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I grew up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.
Shoutout to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people.
One minute you’re young and fun. And next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.
Think you’re old and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional.
There’s nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think, “They are going to find me naked.”
* * * * * * * *
Dividing Dad’s Estate
A very sick man is lying in bed. He realizes he doesn't have much time left, so he asks his nurse to bring his wife, daughter, and both sons to him, as well as witnesses and a camera to record his last wishes.
When all are assembled, their eyes misty and their faces drawn, he begins to speak. "My son, Sam, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses." "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier." "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bayside on Blackwater Sound
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says: "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife just grunts. "The a**hole has a paper route".
* * * * * * * *
Use Grown-Up Words
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'grownup' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use grownup words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use grownup words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."
* * * * * * * *
TRUTHS, RULES OF LIFE AND BONUS RULES
There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun, the Moon, and the truth. The following are 2 Simple Truths, 6 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:
SIMPLE TRUTH 1: Lovers help each other undress before sex. After sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story -- in life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2: When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations." But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job." Moral of the story -- hard work is rarely appreciated.
SIX RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
6. It doesn’t matter how rich you are, how generous you are or how good you look. The number of people who attend your funeral will depend on the weather, unless there is an open bar.
BONUS RULES:
1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate and labor union sponsors.
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.
This was a public service announcement.
* * * * * * * *
Missed Again!
The local plumber & the parish priest were playing golf.
The plumber swung, watched the ball miss the cup “Missed the b@st@rd!”
The priest was shocked “You shouldn’t say that! God will be displeased!”
The plumber gave him a look & played on & missed the cup again. “Missed the b@st@rd!”.
This happened several more times, continuing to shock the priest. Finally he said “If you keep swearing like that God will send a bolt of lightning to strike you down!”
The plumber gave him another look & played on, missing the cup again. “Missed the b@st@rd!”
Suddenly there was a loud crack & a bolt of lightning struck the priest leaving him a pile of smoking ash.
From the heavens came a voice of thunder “Missed the b@st@rd!”
* * * * * * * *
TGIF Golden Classic
The Squirrel Infestations
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about
their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they
concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they
should not interfere with God’s divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the
baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked
the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice
as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm
any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and
set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels
were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of
whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with
alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk
squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They
baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now
they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.
* * * * * * * *
It’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! To my Muslim friends as we begin Ramadan, Eid Mubarak! And to everyone here in North America, remember to get up at 2 am on Sunday and move your clocks forward to 3am and then go back to sleep. Although, when you get up in the morning, you may not have much spring in your step!!!
Until the next time,
TGI-Jeff
