Greetings once again on this last day of the week – Friday – and here in the good ole USA, it is Black Friday. Lots of sales and shoppers – the day after Thanksgiving. I just returned from New York City where I spent Thanksgiving with Joya and Christopher (who drove up from DC) and Jonathan and his fiancé, Melissa. It was hosted by Melissa’s parents, Larry and Carmella and many of their life-long friends were there as well. About 20 of us in all. Dianne accompanied me and it was a good 3-day trip for us. Just got home about an hour ago and since someone sent me a good joke about Thanksgiving, I decided to do this issue this evening.
So, it is TGIT – Thank God It is Thanksgiving! We have much to be grateful for. And I am attempting to start a gratitude journal to enter something each day that I’m thankful for.
I’d love to be able to keep this Friday habit going – now that I’m on a two consecutive week roll. But that depends on your contributions. I did notice that there was an uptick in those as a result of my last week’s issue. Thanks. It enabled me to issue this one. Keep them coming and I’ll try to do the same!!!
Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. I’m glad that I’m home in Vermont before the arrival of a winter storm on Sunday that carries into Monday and may leave us with 9 inches of the white stuff. My brother in Colorado reported yesterday that they got more than 20 inches a few days ago. My snow blower is ready to roll and I’m ready to get out my snowshoes and skis.
Last week, Vermont and the snowboard world lost a great one – Jake Burton Carpenter! His Burton boards helped grow the snowboarding sport and he had his production plant in nearby Manchester, VT. He was only 65 and died from complications from a form of Cancer that he’s had for several years. He will be missed. There have been a lot of tributes paid to him during this last week and I’ve enjoyed hearing and reading all of them.
I enjoy being a bit older and wiser now. I’ve learned a lot of stuff along the journey. Here are some things that someone else of my generation has learned:
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with berries and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days you’re the top dog, some days you’re thefire hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
14. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what am I’m “here after.”
18. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before? Or did I get it
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THREE LITTLE PIGS
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.
They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the
building materials for his home.
She read. "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full
of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to
build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man
said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the
man would have said, 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'"
The teacher had to leave the room.
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Apparently, this really happened……….
The funniest thing I ever heard a doctor say in an ER:
A doctor friend of mine was working in the ER at Bethesda naval hospital. An orderly approached her and said “There is an admiral’s wife, back in a private room, she insists on seeing a female doctor”. So my friend went to see her.
The admiral’s wife admitted that she had an insertion vibrator stuck in her vagina.
My doctor friend said “What do you want me to do? Pull it out, or just change the batteries?”
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Sliding Down the Banister of LIFE
1 . Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”
2 . Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning - one brilliant flash and it's gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment.....for enjoying sex.
And, as you slide down that Banister of Life.....you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way, “OUCH”
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Subject: Al-Gebra terrorism
Teacher Arrested At London Heathrow Airport - held in isolation.
A secondary school teacher was arrested yesterday at London's Heathrow International airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, a UK Border Control spokesman said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle.”
In Washington, when asked to comment on the arrest, President Trump said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House Officials told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
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From Grandma (for Thanksgiving)
You know this lady???
Dear Family,
I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what's left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. This year it will be paper plates and red Solo cups...they might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
House Rules:
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to your kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.
12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You, Grandma
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I hope most of you have not pissed Grandma off.
And that your Thanksgivings were enjoyable. Now, it’s time to get up my outdoor Christmas lights and start getting ready for the end of year holidays. I may even try to do a family letter this year. I’ve not done one in a few years.
Happy Birthday on December 4th to PHIL who turns 31!
Have a nice weekend and keep the contributions coming!!!
TGI-Jeff
