Greetings once again from your Friday guy! Yep; this is three weeks in a row. But I dug deep into the barrel to come up with enough decent (I’ll of course let you be the judge of that!) material to make one issue for today. I have noticed that my resumption of this weakly (!) activity has spurred some of you on to look for stuff to share with me, as I’m starting to get inputs from a few of you. But, here is my “common” warning to you all: if I don’t get material to share, there will be no sharing, even during this giving and sharing season of the year. I’ll just become an old scrooge and you won’t hear from me!
You won’t have to impeach me to get rid of me. Your lack of any action will suffice to force me to abandon this hobby.
A very nice by-product of this hobby, though, is that it seems to stimulate many of you to write to me and share your recent news and family updates. I do appreciate receiving your personal messages. So, in addition to having to cease my TGIF production to try and put a few smiles on your face at the end of the work week, it will also result in my not hearing from many of you.
It’s time to start playing around with some words and phrases and create some humor.
Playing Around With Words
1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.
2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
8. It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
9. So, what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.
3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
6. If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
8. It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
9. So, what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
10. Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
12. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
22. What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
23. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.
* * * * * * * * *
A Serious Father-Son Talk about Love and Marriage
- Or how not to argue with the logic of a 4 year-old
Boy aged 4 : Dad, I’ve decided that I want to get married.
Dad : Wonderfu; do you have a girl in mind?
Boy : Yes . . . . grandma! She said she loves me; I love her, too . . . . and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!
Dad : That’s nice, son, but we have a small problem there!
Boy : What problem?!
Dad : She happens to be my mother. How can YOU marry my mother?!!?
Boy : Why not?! You married mine!!!!!
* * * * * * * *
Aphorisms
An Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn't that be an even number?
Not to cause any trouble....but shouldn't that be an even number?
I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE A LOT LIKE ALGEBRA. HAVE YOU ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive,
try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive,
try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?
* * * * * * * *
Are They Compatible?
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over toward her and whispered.......
"Is that one word or two?"
* * * * * * * *
Love is a Many Splendored Thing!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note...
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for a TGIF Golden Oldie Classic!
TWO GUYS
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach,
Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach,
Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.
At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."
At age 52 they meet and play again. "So, where you wanna go for lunch ?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."
At age 62 they meet again.
After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go ?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"
At age 72 they meet again.
Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for
lunch ?"
"Hooters.
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they
have senior discounts."
"Great choice."
At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before.
* * * * * * * *
Makes sense to me.
Time left is just enough to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Maybe I’ll get around to putting up my outdoor Christmas lights and buy get a Christmas tree and decorate it. My kids won’t be coming here for Christmas this year (as they will be spending it with their significant others, and their families). Instead, they will be coming here to Vermont in early January for several days of skiing before Joya and Chris head off for their respective studies in the University of Capetown (SA).
Don’t forget me when thinking about your gifts this month and send me a few useable jokes (and be paid up your TGIF dues for next year).
Ciao!
TGI-Jeff
