Greetings once again after a long absence on this last day of the work week! Yes – it’s Friday. And for you working stiffs – Thank God! For us others, it’s just another day to be thankful for!
It’s been awhile since my last issue; which was on April 19th. Really? Yep. I’ve been waiting for some new material. Plus, I’ve been busy enough not to enjoy the “publish or perish” pressure on my Thursday nights. Besides, for the last several months, Thursday has become my favorite day of the week – not to be interrupted by having to do a TGIF message.
This year (2019) had become a year of 50 year anniversaries. First, there was my 50th anniversary of graduating high school. We had a great reunion here in Springfield in June for our class of 1969. Then, in July was the 50th anniversary of man’s first walk on the moon. I remember watching that event on TV with my parents here in Springfield that summer of 1969. Then, in August, there was the 50th anniversary of the VT/NH Maple Sugar Bowl Shrine Game, where I played (American football) 50 years ago and was the MVP of our Vermont team. Then, there was the 50th anniversary of the Woodstock Music Festival of 1969! I even hosted a party to celebrate that event! So many good memories from 50 years ago!
And to top it off, you know what often happens at those high school reunions? A few people renew friendships that somehow materialize into something more. Well, that happened to me! An old high school friend, who was in that same high school group of friends with Pam and me, attended and we reconnected. She had lost her husband 4 years ago. I had not been aware of that prior to the reunion and the last time I saw her was about 15 years ago. We agreed to get together in the weeks following the reunion and we eventually did. It’s been a whirlwind since then and we are both very happy.
I have thought of resuming the TGIF for quite some time but wasn’t sure that I had the energy or the material to do it. I looked into my tgifjeff gmail account tonight to see if there were any good ones to share. There were hardly any new ones, even after all this time off that I’ve taken. In fact, the only reason that there is anything to share is that what you will see below is all from only one person. So, if you want to receive any more of these messages before next year, you’ll have to send me some new stuff.
So, let’s see what Debba has provided:
The sharing of marriage..
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
“THE TEETH.”
* * * * * * * *
Some worthwhile tips
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again.
When I married Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
* * * * * * * *
Romanians
The drivers in Bucharest are crazy!! Here’s some local Romanian humor:
A Romanian bus driver and a priest die on the same day. As they approach the Pearly Gates together, St. Peter allows the bus driver to pass through but stops the priest. The priest protests saying, “How can you receive a bus driver and not me? I’ve been a servant of God all my life and preached His Word.” St. Peter responded, “Priest, when you preached, people slept. When the Romanian bus driver drove, people prayed.”
* * * * * * * *
FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY.....
Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come to get her.
My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O', and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O', and my hubby calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another. It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.
The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.
He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said, 'Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!'
THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.
* * * * * * * *
"Why Women Are Crabby!"
We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain, all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, 'Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. 'Just one more good push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels, only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right. Bite me.
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for a TGIF Golden Classic:
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Premier Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Premier Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about me being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Holiday Inn with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
* * * * * * * *
So, thanks to Debba for her contributions. And if you want to read more from me on future Fridays, you’ll have to send me some contributions.
I want to wish all my American friends a very Happy Thanksgiving! I’m looking forward to going to New York City to spend Thanksgiving with 2 of my kids and their significant others and Jonathan’s future in-laws. He just got engaged to Melissa last week and we all are looking forward to their wedding next year.
I want to end by wishing you all a Fantastic Friday and a Wonderful Weekend!
TGI-Jeff
