Greetings from TGI-Jeff on this last Friday before Christmas. It was bitterly cold today and so I spent most of the day sitting near my wood pellet stove and writing cards to be mailed tomorrow. I have been late this season with everything. I was late putting up my outdoor lights. I was late decorating my tree. And I am late writing my annual message and sending out my letters. But I have an excuse. I was distracted! But it’s been a nice distraction – so, I’m not complaining.
It's hard to believe that 2019 is coming to an end already. And – you guessed it – speaking of “coming to an end”, I’ve run out of material. I thought of going back in my previous years’ TGIF messages near Christmas and pick and choose some old ones. But, alas, I didn’t do that – partly because, well, I’ve been distracted.
Thanks to a few of you, I managed to put together one more issue to share with you in 2019. One of my friends suggested that I resort to a monthly issue, to gather enough material for one issue a month. But, let me remind you that that goes against the very “raison-d’etre” of the TGIF. What am I supposed to say? Thank God It’s February?
There was one headline that caught my eye this week (from Andy Borowitz) which was: “Trump Selected Man of the Year by the Sociopath Magazine”.
The other Borowitz story that caught my eye was this one:
Giuliani Kidnapped By Ukrainian Circus!
KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—While on a mission to Ukraine to acquire information about the business dealings of Hunter Biden, Rudy Giuliani was kidnapped by a travelling Ukrainian circus, Giuliani confirmed on Tuesday.
“It was the strangest thing,” he told reporters. “I was on a street corner talking to some people about the Bidens, and these guys came up to me and said, ‘Come with us.’ I thought they were taking me to a cable-news studio.”
Where they were taking him, it turned out, was the Krychevsky Wonder Show, a popular family-owned circus that has been travelling around Ukraine since 1873.
“We saw this guy acting entirely bizarre, and we decided we had to have him in our circus,” Oleh Krychevsky, its current proprietor, said. “It’s hard to find a sideshow attraction with that much potential.”
For two days, Giuliani filled a giant tent at Krychevsky’s, regaling audiences with tales of CrowdStrike, Burisma, and a person named Alexandra Chalupa. But soon his relationship with the circus soured.
“Even after the crowds went home, and we were all ready for bed, he wouldn’t stop talking,” Krychevsky, who ultimately fired Giuliani from the circus, said. “He is exhausting.”
Only after Giuliani’s tenure with the circus was over did Krychevsky learn the man’s true identity. “I was told he was the former mayor of New York,” he said. “I still find that impossible to believe.”
* * * * * * *
David Letterman used to do his Top 10 list every night. I’ve got one to share with you!
The Year's Top Ten Country Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight, Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country Song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day!
I don’t know why my favorite didn’t make the top 10! What’s mine?
“How Can I Miss You – When You Won’t Go Away?”
* * * * * * * *
Quotes from Erma Bombeck
My Dad loved her. He would laugh hysterically while listening to her routines!
Was she who wrote the book “The Grass Is Always Greener – Over the Septic Tank”?
Hear some of these classics from Erma:
* * * * * * * *
The Dublin Doctor
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So, Murphy... how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did, sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this; and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' hell Murphy! ......What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
* * * * * * * *
Patton’s Prayer
Many stories of heroism, devotion to duty, and faith have come out of the Battle of the Bulge that was fought 75 years ago this month. One of the most enduring of these stories is of Patton’s prayer.
In December 1944 the Allies, while sure to win the War in Europe against Germany, were in trouble. The Battle of the Hurtgen Forest, the longest engagement ever fought by the U.S. Army, was still raging and the Allies' advance to Germany was proceeding extremely slowly due to bad weather and stretched supply lines.
The German Army, for the first time since Frederick the Great, launched a major winter offensive. In Germany, the battle was called the Ardennes Counter-offensive but it became popularly known as the Battle of the Bulge and the goal was to split the Western Allied armies so that they would sue for a separate peace with Germany.
The Germans were initially successful in the counterattack and the Allies were hampered by poor weather even before the offensive began.
To combat the cold weather Lieutenant General George S. Patton, Commander of the Third United States Army, called in Third Army Chaplain Msgr. Francis O’Neill. Patton told Chaplain O’Neill to compose a prayer for fair weather for battle. In an hour, Chaplain O’Neill completed a tough theological task and came up with a Biblically appropriate prayer to match the General’s request. The prayer read:
“Almighty and most merciful Father, we humbly beseech Thee, of Thy great goodness, to restrain these immoderate rains with which we have had to contend. Grant us fair weather for Battle. Graciously hearken to us as soldiers who call Thee that, armed with Thy power, we may advance from victory to victory, and crush the oppression and wickedness of our enemies, and establish Thy justice among men and nations. Amen.”
Patton loved the prayer and had it distributed as the first portion of a two part Christmas greeting that he had sent to the Third Army. The second, Christmas message read:
"To each officer and soldier in the Third United States Army, I wish a Merry Christmas. I have full confidence in your courage, devotion to duty, and skill in battle. We march in our might to complete victory. May God’s blessings rest upon each of you on this Christmas Day. -G.S. Patton, Jr. Lieutenant General, Commanding, Third United States Army.”
Not long after the prayer was written and distributed, the Third Army began to pray in greater intensity. The weather began to get better and, the day after Christmas, Patton’s Army reached the famed 101st Airborne Division whom had been surrounded and valiantly defending the city of Bastogne, Belgium. While still more battles were to be fought, the Germany offensive was on its way to defeat.
The prayer of the Third Army, commissioned by General Patton, is a strong reminder of the power of prayer and also shows the boldness of an Army seeking God’s assistance in battle; not for vengeance but to establish His justice among men and nations. It is hard to imagine that such a prayer would not be quashed in the present day; not by the enemy on the field of battle, but rather crushed by the forces of political correctness.
Such leaders as General Patton, while often rocking the boat, are important in any organization especially one as resistant to change, and in need of prayer, as our beloved Army. As MSGR James O’Neill, who composed Patton’s Prayer, said about the General, “He had all the traits of military leadership, fortified by genuine trust in God, intense love of country, and high faith In the American soldier. He had no use for half-measures.”
There is much to be gained from Patton’s Prayer and may his message from 75 years ago this month continue to be a guide for United States forces throughout the world, this Christmas season and always.
* * * * * * * *
The Jewish ELBOW
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
* * * * * * * *
Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
* * * * * * * *
CHRISTMAS CHEER and Seasons Greetings for the end of 2019!
THIS IS THE REASON TO EAT DRINK AND BE MERRY.
FABULOUS NEWS FOR US ALL !!!
(There is a photo of a not very attractive oldish-looking woman)
This woman is 53 years old. She is TV health guru Gillian McKeith, advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and health, and promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet which is high in organic fruits and vegetables. She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation, and supplements.
(Then follows a photo of a very attractive lady)
This woman is also 53. She is Nigella Lawson... a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, chocolate and desserts .....and, she washes it all down with wine!
I REST MY CASE.
(Then follows a photo of a very attractive lady)
This woman is also 53. She is Nigella Lawson... a TV cook, who eats meat, butter, chocolate and desserts .....and, she washes it all down with wine!
I REST MY CASE.
CHEERS AND A GLASS OF MULLED WINE
AND A WARM MINCE PIE...
IF YOU SEE A FAT MAN
Who's jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and laughing away,
While flying around in a miniature sleigh,
With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,
Then let's face it...
You're probably drunk!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2020!
* * * * * *
Adults only
NUDE SANTA -----
Scroll down to see the nude Santa
For crying out loud. Act your age. There is no nude Santa !
Sometimes I worry about you!!! Now go and get some work done!!!
* * * * * * * *
Here’s wishing you all Happy end of year Holidays and a very happy and healthy 2020!
See you next year – maybe, and hopefully.
TGI-Jeff
