Greetings from your Friday guy for a second week in a row! Amazing, huh!? Well, the weather has been lousy and raining and so it’s been a week of a lot of inside work and little time outdoors. As I draft this, it is All Saints Day (November 1) and yesterday was All Hallows Eve – which is a big holiday here in the USA – Halloween. The kids dress us in costumes and go door-to-door “trick-or-treating”! They collect mounds of candy! So, yesterday was Halloween and today is All Saints Day and tomorrow is November 2nd! What is so special about that? Hey dummy, It’s Friday – Thank God!
I used to spend so much time in recent years raking all the leaves all over my yard and put them on a large plastic sheet and wrap it up enough to allow me to drag it up into the woods and deposit the leaves there. It was hard on my back and it was a long and tiring process. So, last year I finally broke down and bought one of those loud and obnoxious leave blowers. It sure makes the job a helluva lot easier and I’ve done my first major round of blowing the leaves up into the woods. So far, it’s been a lot of maple leaves. There still are other tree species leaves to fall and then there are the oak leaves, which seem to wait until almost the first snow flies.
Our Wednesday night winter indoor tennis began this week as well. Most of the dozen players are in their 60s or 70s and a few in their 80s. The other night, my partner for one of the 3 sets is 89 and still going strong! We have 2 courts and so 8 of us play each Wednesday. Lots of fun and we get to sit around afterwards and chat over a beer, or two. By the time we head for home, each of us remembers that they we won every set!
It was nice to finally resume doing a TGIF message last week and I was really touched by all the nice comments I got from so many friends. Enough to make it hard to respond to each and every one. But very much appreciated!
As usual, I usually get joke material about events in the days after the event or holiday. Last week, I wanted to do a Halloween-themed message. But only had one to use. So, this week, I received a few more.
Halloween
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He decides that he would like to wear a costume that conceals his slightly odd appearance, but can't think of any costumes that would look good and do the job. Out of ideas, he writes a note to a costume company explaining his issue. A few days later a package arrives with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
* * * * *
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
* * * * *
Paddy and Murphy
Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have One Pound between them.
Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says to him “You are Mad! Now we’re skint!”
“Come on” says Paddy, “follow me.”
They go into the pub and order two pints and drink them before they pay.
Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it.
The barman goes beserk and throws them out.
10 pubs and 10 pints later Marphy says …..
“I can’t do this any more; my knees are too sore and I’m pissed.”
“How do you think I feel?” says Paddy. “I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!!!”
* * * * *
The Smart Dog
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $20 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, then trots across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy, "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!”
The owner responds, "Genius my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
* * * * *
The Mid-Terms are Next Week! Get out and vote!
Nancy Pelosi called Chuck Shumer one day and said, “I have a plan to help us win the mid terms in 2018 and help us regain control of Congress.”
"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Chuck.
“We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Chuck Shumer and Nancy Pelosi?"
“Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
* * * * *
The Works of Steven Wright
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favourite
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
* * * * *
Stress - - - Words of Wisdom
1. Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4. Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8. Never buy a car you can't push.
9. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12. The second mouse gets the cheese.
13. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14. Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16. Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19. Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20. Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!
* * * * *
Chocolaate is good! So is our Earth – which is under attack by all of us. We need to do our part to protect it!
I can’t believe I didn’t mention my Boston Red Sox in last week’s message. No matter. They were in the middle of the Major League Baseball championship, which many of my international friends hate that we call it the World Series. No other countries are in it (other than a Canadian team in Toronto). No teams from Japan, Cuba, Holland, China, Australia and wherever else they play baseball. Anyway, our Red Sox won a team record 108 games in the regular season (out of 162) and went 11 wins and 3 losses in the playoffs, beating the Los Angelos Dodgers 4 games to 1 in the World Series! So, they won a total of 119 games this year, second most ever, behind an evil team from New York. They had the fourth duck boat parade in Boston this week to celebrate four titles in the last 15 years. They started out that way last century too, and the last time they won (before selling Babe Ruth to the damn Yankees) was in 1918. And now it’s 2018! I hope the Red Sox don’t sell Mookie Betts to the Yankees this offseason or we may be in for “The Curse of the Mookie” for another 86 years! Just kidding, I hope!
Have a great Friday and relazing weekend.
TGI-Jeff
