I usually start out with “Greetings from your Friday guy”. But today I just hope that you are seated and will not be totally shocked that you are hearing once again from me. I did take some time off and thought I’d get back to my Friday duty after my summer holidays. But, alas, I got out of the habit and it was nice to not feel the pressure of “publish or perish” as I did not fear the perishing part if I did not issue a TGIF message. Come on, give me a break, it’s a hobby that, well frankly, I don’t get paid enough to do. But then again, most of my other time-consuming activities are volunteer work in the community that I am not compensated for. Except for the Trout River brewery, where my “work” is compensated by BEER. Beat that!
So, how can I recap nearly four months? Maybe by not trying to. Or, by summarizing it in a few sentences, as follows:
My neice’s wedding in Todi, Italy in mid-June was beautiful and fantastic! It was a great family gathering in a beautiful spot and couldn’t have been better. Evelyn joined me and after the wedding weekend, she and I spent 9 days in southern France in and around Aix-en-provence. We even managed to spend a couple of those days with my old friends from Sri Lanka time, Peter Harrold and Jan Leno, in their beautiful place in Cotignac. We also visited Arles and Avignon. Then returned to one week of 100 degree weather in Vermont. The rest of the summer went by too quickly but did involve some cookouts and some corn on the cob (sweet!). Played some golf and did some biking and did have a bike accident in August. Recovered fairly quickly, fortunately, thanks to something known as CBD, which some people swear by and others say is snake oil. Then it was Fall and now it’s getting colder and winter is not far away. In fact, it is already snowing in parts of Vermont.
So, there you have it.
You probably really didn’t miss my TGIF messages as, if you want to be amused these days, all you have to do is listen to what the White House is putting out each day.
Yes. I am worried about a lot of things: freedom of the press (our first amendment right); our democracy; the polarization of politics; and much more. There are so many serious and disturbing distractions that I think that there is still a niche for some “silly distraction” – at least once a week! And why not on the last day of the work week, for most of you around the world. After a hard week of work, don’t you really feel good when Friday arrives, and although you are still working today, you can say “Thank God It’s Friday”! since you can do other things that you like on the next two days!
So, Halloween (All Hallow’s Eve) is next week. So, why not have a Halloween-themed TGIF today? Remember when I used to try to have a theme to my weekly (weakly) collection of material?
Don’t accept any friend requests from Lizzie Borden - her parents have been hacked!
That’s it! No more Halloween material. But how about this?:
The man who invented auto correct should burn in hello!
* * * * *
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again decided to leave a note saying "I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me" and hides under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone;
-"she's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy French shit, I love you".
He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote;
"I can see your feet. Stop being retarded, we're out of bread, throw the kettle on, back in 5".
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4-YEAR-OLD'S FIRST PAY CHECK
Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. Love the ending!
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more - or - less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a $10 check. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin’ drywall.
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This one below was sent in to me by a friend who may want to be questioned by the FBI and the AT&F as to the origin of the recent pipe bomb packages sent to several leading democrats and left-leaning persons.
Quote
I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:
"Dear Lord:
The last four or five years have been very tough.
You have taken my favorite actor - Burt Renyolds;
my favorite actress - Eunice Gayson;
my favorite female singer - Aretha Franklin;
my favorite male singer - Ray Thomas;
my favorite author -Tom Wolf;
and my favorite comedians - Robin Williams and Joan Rivers.
I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:
"Dear Lord:
The last four or five years have been very tough.
You have taken my favorite actor - Burt Renyolds;
my favorite actress - Eunice Gayson;
my favorite female singer - Aretha Franklin;
my favorite male singer - Ray Thomas;
my favorite author -Tom Wolf;
and my favorite comedians - Robin Williams and Joan Rivers.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are:
Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Shumer, Maxine Waters, Elizabeth Warren and Harry Reid, and I also have a special place in my heart for George Soros, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and Chicago's mayor, Rahm Emanuel.
Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Shumer, Maxine Waters, Elizabeth Warren and Harry Reid, and I also have a special place in my heart for George Soros, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and Chicago's mayor, Rahm Emanuel.
Amen."
Unquote
* * * * *
A glass of wine
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand,
Ben Franklin said:
"In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) – bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of shit!
VERIFICATION:
BOTH THE HOUSE AND SENATE DRINK A LOT OF WATER WHILE IN SESSION.
THIS EXPLAINS THE RESULTS THEREIN . . . .
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.
* * * * *
You're an EXTREME Redneck When:
1) You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2) The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3) You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws
4) You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5) You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6) Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7) You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8) Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9) Your junior prom offered day care.
10) You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
11) You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its wheels.
12) The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13) You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14) One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16) You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17) You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk
And in closing....
Two good ol' boys in a Arkansas trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local horse trailer manufacturing plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even!"
* * * * *
And Finally, it’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic:
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday
sermon.
sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . Dead.
The first worm in alcohol . . Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke... Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . .Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil . ..Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Little Johnny, sitting in the back with his parents, quickly raised his hand and said . . . "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms.
That pretty much ended the sermon...
* * * * *
Well, I’m not sure that I can say that it’s good to be back in the saddle again. But, let’s see how this goes and if you share some good material with me so that I am able to do one of these again before 4 months from now.
Have a nice Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
