Greetings from your Friday guy for the third week in a row! But the streak may likely end with this edition as I’ve had to go back months in my TgifJeff gmail inbox to find enough material to use in this issue. So, unless I receive new material from you all, this may be the last one for awhile. You are officially forewarned!
The mid-term elections took place this week and had a big outturn of voters. The Republicans maintain control of the Senate (51-44), but the Democrats took back control of the House. It was a small blue wave and was accented by the number of women who won House seats for the first time, and some of these were Native American and Muslim American women. That is great!
The depressing thing is the big divide in the United States between the urban areas (tend to be democrat) and the rural areas (tend to be Republican). I hope that the split in the power between the Senate and the House will force some bipartisan action and not just inaction with both sides shouting at each other.
It hasn’t rained as much this past week as in recent weeks, and so I’ve been getting outside yard work done as we transition from summer to winter. I’ve also enjoyed burning up fallen branches in my fire pit up on my back hill. That’s my meditation spot and I just love staring into that warm fire while I ponder many things. At least now as it is colder, I don’t have to worry about the misquitos and the ticks, while I reflect on things in front of the fire.
This Sunday will be the 100th anniversary of the end of World War I. And the origin of “Armistice Day” which eventually became Veteran’s Day – November 11th.
An Interesting Story from Global News:
“Roughly 2,300 Americans ended up in hospital last year for pizza-related injuries, according to U.S Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC). According to recent data, the CPSC estimates 2,300 emergency room visits in 2017 were associated with pizza. The government agency noted that patients were treated for injuries caused by (but not limited to): Lacerations while attempting to a cut a pie … Burns from pizza and oven pans … Falling while carrying a pizza … Falling in a pizza joint [and] Falling out of bed while reaching for pizza. The pizza stats were included in the release of CPSC’s National Electronic Injury Surveillance System (NEISS) injury data that is associated with consumer products and emergency room visits.”
* * * * *
The Wedding
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor.
The congregation was aghast as the penny dropped.
The Groom’s jaw dropped as he stared disbelievingly at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet in the air and burst out crying.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The Best men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The Minister asked the woman, " Can you tell us, why you came forward ? What do you have to say ? ”
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, " We can't hear at the back. "
* * * * *
The Little League Coach
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game, so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.
* * * * *
The Old Rancher
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate old Guys
* * * * *
MERGERS FOR 2018:
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2018:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: TittyTittyBangBang
* * * * *
The Outdoorsman
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
“You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”
(Hey Jon – that reminds me of your favorite: “Nah, I’m just a really bad conductor!”)
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
This was an old friend & colleague’s favorite one! Enjoy seeing it again!
Two Women Meeting in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
* * * * *
The recent strong winds and some rain has led to the falling of most leaves from the trees in this past week. But some are still hanging on. But our first snow is not far off. I’m looking forward to the skiing season. The local areas will likely start making snow soon as the temperatures continue to fall.
Hope this finds you all well and I hope you are looking forward to a few days off, this weekend! Thank God It’s Friday!
Who knows when you’ll next hear from me? That depends on you – not me!
Cheers!
TGI-Jeff
