Greetings from your Friday guy on a November day that seems more like December or January. It’s been cold here all week (below freezing and windy!) and a big storm of snow and “wintry mix” is heading our way! I got my snow blower out of my little barn and put it in the garage to be ready to be used tomorrow (Friday). They are now saying we may get 4 to 8 inches of snow. That’s good for the ski areas! I think with the cold weather this week that they started to make snow. This natural addition tomorrow will be appreciated!
I was pleased to be able to burn up a lot of fallen branches and other wood last Sunday when it was still warm enough to tend to that job on my back hill fire pit. Just in time! As by Monday it was already cold and some snow fell which has not left the surface this week as it’s been below freezing most of the week. So, some are saying that December has come early and taken over November. I did manage to put away all my summer stuff and get out my winter stuff and I am as ready as I can be. On the positive side, maybe I’ll get to ski sooner than usual. Some years I don’t even ski until January. Maybe this year I’ll get to ski in November!
Other than recounts in the election this week, the big news has been the fires in California which have not only destroyed forests and towns but have taken a huge human toll - about 60 fatalities at last count, but likely to increase. It’s so sad!
My appeal in last week’s edition to send jokes bore fruit and this issue (and maybe the next one too) will be filled with your contributions of the last days. Not much new stuff but some good oldies that I am not ashamed to share with you all. Most of you probably will not have remembered if you’ve seen them before – so I’m not worried about receiving hate mail!
Tomorrow night is the Springfield Garden Club’s Festival of Trees annual Christmas function and fundraiser. I’m a member and do what I can – but not like the female members who work so hard to put on a great event each year! I hope the storm is over and cleared by the time it starts in the evening!
Tiger Woods in Ireland
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the morning' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Jesus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!
* * * * *
Bob
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
* * * * *
FRIENDLY ADVICE
Drinking and Driving…
I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.
As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more
than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common
sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before...I took a taxi home.
On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it
past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
If you want to borrow it, give me a call.
* * * * *
Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE
It takes less than 15 seconds.
If you are a male you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
Answers listed below:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?
The good news is:
You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You are a pervert.
* * * * *
Three Italian Nuns Die & Go to Heaven
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, you've all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.”
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren.” And ‘poof’ she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and ‘poof’ she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Alberta Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?", he asks.
"Alberta Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Alberta Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
If you laugh, you're going straight to hell!
* * * * *
Poor Hank
Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?” Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.” He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results - back….
* * * * *
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
* * * * *
Okay. I cant’ even say it’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic, because all of the above ones are old ones. (In fact, all of the material above was received from friends in response to my last week’s appeal and have arrived in the last 5 days!) But the following one is VERY old and I’ve used it many times before. But for those of you who know me and know that I like puns, I’m willing to use it again!
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts.
In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir,
only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says I’ve lost my electron.
The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says I’ve lost my electron.
The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the
hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
* * * * *
I didn’t intend to edit an issue with all old jokes, but I did, didn’t I!
I hope you all don’t mind too much!
So, tonight I put this issue together by listening to some old and good tunes from my past. I have very fond memories of drafting TGIF messages from Sir Lanka and Niger, staying late in my office on Thursday nights after everyone went home, and putting Santana on my computer and speakers in the office, and picking out material to use. I listened to Evil Ways, and Persuasion and the ultimate was Soul Sacrifice! So, this evening, I’ve played those over and over as I’ve drafted this edition. I’m just now listening to my third version of Soul Sacrifice – this one from Woodstock. 1969 – the year I graduated from high school!
Happy belated birthday to my old friend/colleague Christine Hodge who celebrated a BIG birthday on Wednesday of this week! I won’t say how old – it just ends with a zero!
Keep the joke contributions coming in and maybe we can continue this thing!
Have a great weekend!
TGI-Jeff
