Greetings from the TGIF corner here in Springfield, Vermont, where we’ve been having a very cool and wet spring. The downside is that it is raining frequently. The upside is that everything is green and growing. I bought my usual amount of annual plants last week and planted them in my whiskey barrels and deck boxes and pottery pots and scattered them all around. I love all the colors. And each year, as I learn more about perennials and when they bloom, I have tried to have some that are taking turns blooming throughout the summer. It’s like an orchestra where each instrument gets its’ turn to shine. I also have some friendly birds that have nested around here. A nice pair of cardinals and some feebies (sp?) and a few others. I’ve seen some small hawks around here and a few weeks ago, I saw a bald eagle fly over my house. A few years ago I had a robin make a nest on top of the outdoor motion detection light. But it hasn’t come back there since. The warmth of the light coming on each time the female flew into the nest must have been nice; but the constant light coming on wasn’t probably so good for the babies. Plus all the humans making noise on the back deck very nearby was not likely appreciated.
Despite the wet weather, I have managed to play some golf – although my feet get wet sloshing through the spongy course. We are wondering if it is ever going to dry out. We hit balls right down the middle of the fairway and have to look for them as they “plug” in the wet ground. We have to look for a little white and then dig the ball out. Fun!
This week I played on Tuesday morning in my senior men’s group. Due to the damp and cool weather, only 5 showed up and we played the last 5 holes in a steady drizzle. Then, on Wednesday evening in the Men’s League (9 holes) it was “iffy” as some severe thunderstorms with hail came through the area. We missed the most of it and played through it.
I’ve also been biking to get in shape for three sponsored rides that I’ll be taking part in this summer. One in late June; one in early July and the one at Harpoon in early August. I’ve been doing training rides on all the hills around here of 20 or 25 or 30 miles. By next week, I should be doing 40 and 50 mile day rides. The three rides this summer that I’ve signed up for are all 50 milers. I see that my brother, for some unknown reason, is going to do the Iowa RAGBRAI ride again this summer at the end of July. He’s already done it several times (at least 4 or 5) and I thought he wasn’t going to do it again. Maybe he has a bunch of friends who are doing it this year.
My three kids have all gathered in San Diego for this weekend. Joya and Christopher went out there from DC and Jonathan from Broolkyn. My sister Noreen is hosting them and my youngest son, Phil, lives nearby and will join them. I should have joined them too, but I didn’t get organized in time. Hope they have a great weekend. It also happened to be my eldest’s 35th birthday today. Happy Birthday Jonathan!
That’s probably a longer introduction than most of you desire. However, I know some of you only read the introductory paragraphs; while others of you just skip over this “stuff” and go straight the jokes. To each his or her own!!!
Given the dominance of golf in my life at present, I’m pleased to start off today with 3 golf jokes sent in by an old college friend of Pam’s.
Jesus and Moses Play a Round of Golf
Jesus and Moses are playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hits his 6-iron and it lands perfectly on the green. Jesus takes out his 7-iron and begins tee-ing it up.
Moses says: “The 7 isn’t enough club. It’ll go in the water”
Jesus replies: “If Arnie Palmer can do it, I can do it.”
He swings the 7 and sure enough, right in the drink. He tees up a second ball and grabs his 7-iron again. Once again Moses reminds him of his previous attempt and Jesus says, “If Arnie Palmer can do it, I can do it.”
“PLOP” in the water it goes again. He continues this until he has hit all his golf balls into the water.
At this point, he begins walking out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approaches the tee, spots Jesus out on the lake and says to Moses,
“Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
Moses replies, “No, He think he’s Arnie Palmer.”
Play It As It Lies
Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and “play it as it lies” on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 first hole down the middle and about 260. They drive up for the second shot, and the Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach. However, Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up on the cart path of the adjoining hole.
“Guess I get a free drop from the cart path,” he says.
“Oh no,” says Bill, “We agreed. Play it as it lies.”
So, Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent. Then, his jaw dropped in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and rolls to within 3 inches of the cup.
Ralph drives back to the green where Bill says, “Great shot back there! What club did you use?”
Ralph responds, “Your six iron.”
One Last Golf Joke for Today
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning. He realized that it was an exceptionally beautiful, sunny spring day and decided he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say mass for him as he snuck out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church.
At about this time, St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball. It shot straight toward the pin, dropped just short of it, and rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole in one.
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?!”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
* * * * * * * *
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, lollies -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Papa, it was boring. We didn't see a single arsehole, poofta, dole-bludging piece of shit, horse's arse, tree hugging socialist left wing green prick, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."
* * * * * * * *
The Amazing Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women : will be finished reading this by now.
Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.
* * * * * * * *
More Interesting Facts
Early aircraft throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go
full throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward
into the wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for
going very fast. And now you know the rest of the story.
During WWII, U.S. Airplanes were armed with belts of ammo, which they
would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts were
folded into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. These
belts measure 27 feet and contained hundreds of cartridges. Often
times, the pilots would return from their missions having expended all
of their bullets on various targets. They would say, I gave them the
whole nine yards, meaning they used up all of their ammunition.
Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in
reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written
by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and
Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the
President of the U.S. To return to Washington . In his response, he
was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he
capitalized the word "Creek" he was referring to the Creek Indian
tribe and not a body of water.
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington
showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while
others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters
were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore
painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay,
but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.' (Artists know hands and arms
are more difficult to paint.)
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a
year (May and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men
shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy
men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the
wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the
wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the
wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig'. Today we often use the
term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone appears to be or is
powerful and wealthy.
In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only
one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and
was used for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the
chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a
guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair
during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in
charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chair man.'
Today in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or
'Chairman of the Board.'
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many
women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their
complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too close to the fire,
the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression 'losing face.'
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and
dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace
of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards
instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were
thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full
deck.'
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what
the people considered important. Since there were no telephones,
TV's, radios nor internet, the politicians sent their assistants to
local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale and
listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many
assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and
'You go sip there.' The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined
when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term
'gossip.'
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and
quart-sized containers. A barmaid's job was to keep an eye on the
customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention
and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in
'quarts,' hence the phrase 'minding your 'P's and Q's'.
* * * * * * * *
The Faith of a Child
A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place
in the closet. She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the
back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he was
too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing.
She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good.
Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter.
That did it!
'And what do you want?' the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages,' he said without waiting for a reply to his question.
'Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,' Tess answered back in
the same annoyed tone. 'He's really, really sick....and I want to buy a miracle.'
'I beg your pardon?' said the pharmacist.
'His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?'
'We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you,' the pharmacist said, softening a little.
'Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs.'
The pharmacist's brother was a well-dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, 'What kind of a miracle does your brother need?'
'I don't know,' Tess replied with her eyes welling up I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money.'
'How much do you have?' asked the man from Chicago .
'One dollar and eleven cents,' Tess answered barely audible.
'And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.'
'Well, what a coincidence,' smiled the man. 'A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers.'
He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said 'Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need.'
That well-dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.
'That surgery,' her Mom whispered. 'was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?'
Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents...plus the faith of a little child.
In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.
* * * * * * * *
I recall that June 2nd was the day that Italy celebrated as its national day. So, I guess it was appropriate that Jonathan shares this celebratory day with the country where he spent his middle school years and one year in his university years studying in Florence.
So, I wish my family good times this weekend in San Diego and the rest of you equally satisfying weekends, wherever you may be.
Happy June to one and all!
Given the lack of material being sent in my you all, I may not do another one of these until I do receive some good stuff. You are forewarned!
TGI-Jeff
