Greetings from the Friday guy who has been too busy to issue one of these messages every week. Hope you don’t mind terribly. Every other week is not bad for someone who is retired and has 5 part-time “jobs”. Lately I’ve been busy with church financial stuff (I am the treasurer this year) as we had our annual meeting on Tuesday of this week. Now that that event went well, I can focus on biking and golf and working with the Trout River beer guys a bit more. I do really love my church community though.
It looks like we’ve passed the point of possible dangerous frosts and can now plant some annual plants, which I will try to do tomorrow. It’s been raining and will continue through part of Friday, it seems. I also need to wash my windows. Hopefully, I can do that tomorrow as well. Everything is so green with all the rain we’ve had. Of course, it’s hay fever season and the dandelion’s abound and the pines have been dropping their yellowish pollen all around and I’ve been taking my allergy medicine.
I’m progressing in my golf game and feel like I’m on the verge of being good at it.
I need to get out on my bike a bit more as I’m determined to lose 25 pounds this summer. I know it’s diet as well as exercise. Wish me luck!
Let’s jump into our material for today.
Lost Words from Our Childhood Years
Heavens to Murgatroyd!
Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word Murgatroyd?
Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip!
The other day a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy, and he looked at her quizzically and asked, "What the heck is a Jalopy?"
OMG (new phrase)!
He never heard of the word jalopy!
She knew she was old.... but not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
Some old expressions have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.
"Don't touch that dial,"
"Carbon copy,"
"You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."
Back in the olden days we had a lot of "moxie."
We'd put on our best "bib and tucker" to "straighten up and fly right."
Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley!
We were "in like Flynn" and "living the life of Riley," and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.
Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?
Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.;
Pshaw,The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty.
I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels.
See ya later, alligator!
Okidoki
* * * * * * * *
Jennifer’s Wedding
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it, she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear... I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
* * * * * * * *
An Adult Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
Metal,
Wood,
Stone, -
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!
* * * * * * * *
WHY?
Why?
1. Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?
BECAUSE When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
WHY?
2. Why do ships and aircraft use 'mayday' as their call for help?
BECAUSE This comes from the French word m'aidez - meaning 'help me' - and is pronounced, approximately, 'mayday.'
WHY?
3. Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
BECAUSE In France , where tennis became popular, the round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'the egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US, Americans (naturally), mispronounced it 'love.'
WHY?
4. Why do X's at the end of a letter signify kisses?
BECAUSE In the Middle Ages, when many people were unable to read or write, documents were often signed using an X. Kissing the X represented an oath to fulfill obligations specified in the document. The X and the kiss eventually became synonymous.
WHY?
5. Why is shifting responsibility to someone else called passing the buck'?
BECAUSE In card games, it was once customary to pass an item, called a buck, from player to player to indicate whose turn it was to deal. If a player did not wish to assume the responsibility of dealing, he would 'pass the buck' to the next player.
* * * * * * * *
Texas Speeding Ticket
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville, Texas.
One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.
Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite tree tops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near its Naval Air home base location in Kingsville.
Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the U. S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
"Thank you for your letter.”
"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down."
"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location."
"Fortunately, the marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway 77, south of Kingsville."
"The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech."
"Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster."
Semper Fi.
* * * * * * * *
Another Texas one
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.
He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test," that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six ambulance-chasing lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six muslim extremists,
six far-left Democrats,
and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
I LOVE TEXAS!
* * * * * * * *
Trafficking
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”
The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One!!!
* * * * * * * *
It is now time for the TGIF Golden Classic:
The Garden of Eden
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased..
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat . . .
didn't give a shit one way or the other.
* * * * * * * *
I love dogs – but I also like cats and they seem to like me. And they are like that!
I wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
