Greetings from the Friday guy. I found a few contributions to use and so I will; despite the fact that I don’t have a lot of new stuff to share. The rain has continued to fall and it’s really getting depressing. I can’t remember a spring that has been this wet!
My kids enjoyed their visit last weekend in San Diego where they spent time with their Aunt Noreen. Wish I could have been there. But glad the all got together.
I’ve been busy planting annual plants in my planters and on my back deck. I’m also now planting some tomatoes and some parsley and cilantro. Look forward to using these in my recipes this summer.
I don’t have a lot of new material, so I will just use what I have.
Miscellaneous
I drink a pint of water before going to bed every night because it gives me a reason to get up in the morning.
I don’t go to reunions anymore. The people there look so old they don’t recognize me.
By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.
I had a really bad day. First, my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.
The only time the word incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
There was a man whose wife was having her stomach stapled. He asked the doctor if he could do her tongue while he’s at it.
A wife said her husband always had a lazy eye, but now it has started to spread to the rest of his body.
Hemorrhoids are a real pain in the neck.
Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.
There are times not to flirt: when you’re sick, when you’re with children, and when you’re on the witness stand.
Problems:
The problem is that the key to success doesn’t always fit your ignition.
You’ve got a problem when your dentist tells you that you need a bridge and you can’t afford to pay his toll.
Sign on a chaplain’s desk: ‘If you have problems, tell me about them. If you don’t, tell me how you do it’
If you could kick the fellow responsible for most of your problems, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a month.
You know it’s going to be a bad week when the boss mails you the want ads.
Teenagers, tired of being hassled by your uneducated parents? Act now, move out, get a job. Pay your own bills while you still know everything.
The Engineer
An Engineer dies... and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! “
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.”
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
* * * * * * * *
The Haircut
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
Love the Dad's reply!
"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?
* * * * * * * *
American Baseball
An Irishman moves to the USA, and finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings, and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run, Run".
The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered, "RUN, RUN"!! The Irishman enjoyed the game, and began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up, and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk", and the batter started his slow trot to first base.
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run, ye lazy bastard, run!" The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run, he's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad."
* * * * * * * *
An elderly couple were at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel… you know how to fish!"
* * * * * * * *
Time for the TGIF Golden Classic!
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for
a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed
a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
‘She just died and left me everything.'
* * * * * * * *
Hope you all have a nice weekend. Be sure to send good ones my way.
Cheers!
TGI-Jeff
