Greetings from the TGIF corner here in VT at the precise location of 43 degrees, 19 minutes & 30 seconds North and 72 degrees, 30 minutes & 26 seconds West. How do I know this? Well, yesterday when I was adding a meeting time and date into my iPhone and it prompted me to enter the location, I opted for current location. Normally, it then puts in 1 Walnut Way, Springfield, VT. However, yesterday it put it the exact latitude and longitude readings! Go figure. So, now whenever any of my international friends want to come pay me a visit, you can just enter this into your GPS. No drone visits, please!
Last week and the week before we got lots of snow. I think almost 2 feet of snow in the course of a week. I was taking photos of 4-feet high retaining walls completely buried by the white stuff and sending them to my kids. Then, starting last weekend, the temperatures warmed up, first in the 40s, and then in the 50s and the last few days in the 60s. All with a lot of sun. So, a lot of snow, especially on the south-facing land has melted in the last 5-6 days. This week is the school vacation week and my mid-week ski pass can’t be used. Can’t imagine that the skiing has been very good, though. It is supposed to rain the next few days and then turn wintry cold again for next week. I’ll try to ski on Monday and check it out.
As usual, for today I have a few new ones and a lot of old ones to share. Let me start off with a new twist on an old one.
The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat . . .
didn't give a shit one way or the other.
* * * * * * * *
Used Car
It was a small town and the patrol man was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here .....we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting............’
* * * * * * * *
Sad News
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including: Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including: Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
* * * * * * * *
Some Deep Thoughts
Some of these you’ve no doubt seen before. However, I enjoy reading them over again as they are funny.
John Glenn:
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder
Desmond Tutu:
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we
had the land. They said “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we
opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
had the land. They said “Let us pray.” We closed our eyes. When we
opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
David Letterman:
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
Howard Hughes:
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I'm a billionaire.
Old Italian proverb:
After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.
Betsy Salkind:
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Jean Kerr:
The only reason they say “Women and children first” is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Zsa Zsa Gabor:
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Jeff Foxworthy:
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Prince Philip:
When a man opens a car door
for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Emo Philips:
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Harrison Ford:
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. |
Spike Milligan:
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree
Robin Hall:
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
Jean Rostand:
Kill one man and you're a murderer; kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
WH Auden:
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
Jonathan Katz:
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Johnny Carson:
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Steve Martin:
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Jimmy Durante:
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Doug Hanwell:
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. |
George Roberts:
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
Jonathan Winters:
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Robert Benchley:
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
* * * * * * * *
The Meaning of Aplomb
This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice,
'
Darling, does your prick still throb?'
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee?
That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”
* * * * * * * *
TGIF Golden Classic
Frank Feldman
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."
Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f**king wife"!
* * * * * * * *
That was kind of “aplomb” until the last line, I guess. Carson wouldn’t have said that!
It’s time to wish you all a fabulous Friday and a wondrous weekend!
Enjoy! But don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! Whatever that means!
TGI-Jeff
