Greetings from the Friday jokes guy. It’s been another busy week and hard to believe that Friday is already here. After a warmer than usual January, it has returned to the normal seasonably cold temperatures in the last days. So many of my local friends have headed south for several months to get away from the cold here. Meanwhile, we hardy souls go over to Okemo Mountain and ski down steep slopes in cold and windy conditions and are just as happy as ducks in water! Someone asked me the other day what I was doing at Okemo. I responded that I was going downhill, just like the rest of the country!
Or should I say “Like the rest of the world?”
Having lived in Africa, Asia and Europe for 35 years, I made a lot of friends from all over the world. A few of them in the last year complained to me that it was not fair that they could not vote in the USA election for president, since it effects the whole world. It’s true. I can understand that. But even as it is, apparently we had 3 million illegal aliens voting for Hilary so that she won the popular vote. So, the wall must be built. But maybe some of these aliens came from Mars or Venus.
Have you seen Venus and Mars lately? Look in the evening sky. They are in the west in the early evening.
How about Venus and Serena? Or Roger and Rafa? What a great Aussie Open Finals last weekend!!! Pro tennis players were supposed to be over the hill at 30. Here we had Serena and Roger winning it all at 35 and Rafa (30) and Venus (36) as runner-ups.
Did you all have a good “Ground Hog Day”? Apparently Punxsutawney Phil (the Pennsylvania ground hog) came out yesterday (Feb. 2nd) and saw his shadow. This means that we will have 6 more weeks of winter. If it was cloudy, it would have meant that Spring was going to come sooner. Frankly, I never fully comprehended this American tradition. February 2nd is halfway between the winter solstice and the spring solstice. That means we are halfway between 12 weeks – which, if my math is correct, 6 weeks. So, if Phil (the ground hog) doesn’t see his shadow, spring will come sooner (than 6 more weeks?) or if he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of winter. He should move to Vermont! Spring starts here after the middle of April!
Anyway, back to this week. I have enjoyed two days of skiing at Okemo. It snowed over there for the last few days and it was great skiing with new snow on top of nicely groomed trails. And mid-week with really no lift lines, I can do 12 or 14 runs in less than 3 hours.
Okay, let’s see what you all have provided for me to share with those of you who have not provided:
In an effort to provide you with interesting, albeit worthless, information…..
We live in interesting times. Do you realize that February 2017 has 4 Sundays, 4 Mondays, 4 Tuesdays, 4 Wednesdays, 4 Thursdays, 4 Fridays and 4 Saturdays. This only happens once every 823 years.
Armed with this information and $2.14 you can get a tall coffee at Starbucks
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The beauty of English is infinite
I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing now. He replied that he was currently working on:
“Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment”
I was impressed......
On further enquiry, I learnt that he was washing dishes, with hot water ... under his wife's supervision.
...the beauty of English is infinite!
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Subject: A new recipe for ya .... A Trump Sandwich:
White Bread...
Full of Baloney w/Russian dressing
....and a small pickle.
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Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
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Here is one that those of us, who might be enjoying some outdoor winter sports; nevertheless are still looking forward to spring and when we can get back out on the links.
CBS Golf Announcer - David Feherty
Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer, who finds very unique, colourful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind .......
Feherty Quotes:
He said one day, "It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group."
"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."
"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."
" I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife."
Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."
Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin." (Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at this one.)
"That's a great shot with that swing."
"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."
"It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."
"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."
"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."
"That green appears smaller than a Pygmies' nipple".
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18 Basic Laws
1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial the wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11.The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16.Law of Public Speaking
A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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The Difference Between Officers and NCO's
A young Naval officer was severely wounded in the head by a flight deck accident, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since
his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Navy.
his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Navy.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Rear Admiral. He was, however, very sensitive about his
appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Marine Major, a helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
The Admiral was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The Admiral then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The Admiral also threw him out.
The second was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The Admiral then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The Admiral also threw him out.
The third interview was with an old Master Chief, an Airdale and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more
than the two officers combined. The Admiral liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
than the two officers combined. The Admiral liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
To his surprise the Master Chief said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The Admiral was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.'
He asked, Master Chief, how do you know I wear contacts?'
"Well, sir,' the salty old Master Chief replied, "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuckin' ears!"
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TGIF Golden Classics
Last week, I had 3 oldies to share with you. This week I have two good old ones that I’ve received in this last week. This first one I recall seeing and using way back in the mid-1990s when I first started doing the TGIF messages when I was at WFP Headquarters in Rome. Haven’t seen it in a long time until a local friend forwarded to me here last week. Apparently, it was a true story.
A Well-Planned Retirement
Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its’ parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee.
The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who'd apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day --- for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars
..... and no one even knows his name.
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Square Testicles
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clocktomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'
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I’m going to bet you that Tom Brady and the New England Patriots are going to win the SuperBowl game this Sunday over the Atlanta Falcons by the score of 30 to 27. If the Patriots win, it will be fun to see the NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell present the trophy to Belichick and Brady for a nice little “ribbon” on the “Deflategate” saga.
If the Patriots win, we’ll be able to use the “D” word here in New England. I know that everyone else loves to hate the Pats. But you have to respect them!
Go Pats!
For the rest of you, who could care less, have a great weekend! Stay warm – stay busy and stay healthy!
Until the next time, be good!
TGI-Jeff
