Greetings from your Friday guy from the cold and white north where my four-foot retaining wall is buried in snow. Mind you – I am not complaining. Because I can also ski on this stuff. Once I remove it all from the driveway after each storm. The snow banks on the sides of the driveway are now so high that I can hardly see over them when I’m backing my car out onto the road. We’ve had about two feet of snow over the last two weeks. And that is piled on top of what we received in December and January.
A lot of my friends have “flown south” (snow birds) and are now enjoying their time in South Carolina, Georgia and Florida. They like to send me texts saying how they are sun-bathing out on their decks down there. Meanwhile, I’m wondering if it’s time to climb up on the roof and shovel off some snow so the roof doesn’t cave in.
At least I can go over to Okemo Mountain and get some good skiing in before heading over to The Loft for some “après-ski” refreshments and wings with friends. Some of my friends spend more time in the “après-ski” Loft than they do on the slopes. Roger That!
I became a fan of the University of Connecticut women’s basketball team about 6 years ago. I have no affiliation with UCONN, although I do have some friends here who do. I just have liked the women’s team play and have been following them since 2010. Last year I went down to Hartford CT and attended about 6 of their games. At the end of the season last year, they won their 4th consecutive national championship and their 11th in all. All under the same coach – Luigi “Geno” Auriemma. He certainly gets the most out of his players and it is truly a team effort. They graduated their top 3 players last May and this year was supposed to be a mediocre team and a rebuilding year. However, they have played a lot of good teams so far and have not lost a game. On Monday of this week, they won their 100th consecutive game!!! What a team!
I’ve got a lot of "oldies – but goodies" for you today. Some of you will remember having seen a lot of the following before – while most of you will not remember having seen any of it before So, I’m safe. I don't expect to be fired from this job anytime soon!
Speaking of oldies, I love this one!
Words/Phrases Gone Forever
Murgatroyd? Would you recognize the word Murgatroyd? - Heavens to Murgatroyd!
Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really!
How about a "whatchamacallit"?
The other day, a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about “Driving a Jalopy” and he looked at her quizzically and said what the heck is a Jalopy? OMG (new phrase!) - he had never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old but not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle - by Richard Lederer
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become Obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right - Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and Living the Life of Riley and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoopor a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A, of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal Pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap and before we can say, Well I'll be a monkey's uncle! This is a fine kettle of fish! - we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink and they're gone. Where have all those phrases gone?
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it, Hey!, It's your nickel. Don't forget you pull the chain, knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroyd!
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter Has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the Chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging.
See ya later, alligator!
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Dear Lord, thank you for my sick sense of humor and sarcasm. I feel bad every time I laugh, sort of.
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Tom’s in the bathroom and Denise shouts to him. “Did you find the shampoo?”
Tom says, “Yes, but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”
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My wife made me coffee this morning and winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life!
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A holiday miracle would be still fitting into my clothes after the holidays.
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Black Friday: Only in America where people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.
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The new pacemaker’s okay, doc, except every time I approach my house, the garage door opens automatically.
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Some ways to tell you’re getting older:
You can remember when ‘The Net’ was something you wore on your head.
You get your breakfast out of the medicine cabinet.
Doing ‘the hustle’ means you’re on the way to the bathroom.
You finally get it together, then forget where you put it.
You don’t repeat gossip because you can’t remember it from the first time.
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I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight and I’m ok with that. After all, 7 lbs 6 oz is just not realistic!
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Here are some vacation predictions:
There will be fifty straight days of sunshine, not a single drop of rain, until the morning you and your family leave for your vacation.
At least one of your friends will report seeing a shark, even though they are vacationing in Ohio.
Even though you coat yourself with insect repellent, mosquitoes will ignore everyone else in the state and demonstrate a strange attraction to you.
You will work twenty minutes and sprain both wrists and your back trying to get into a wet bathing suit.
You’ll get mosquito bites only in places where it’s impossible to scratch.
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Five True Facts
A wise person once said:
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes, but we somehow never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will take whatever is available.
AND ...
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate. A recent study found that women who carry extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
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An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grand children and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
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Ladies Golf Outing
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.’
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.’
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says,
'He's not even a member of this golf club’
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Praying for Harry
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Harry got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Harry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Harry replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Harry's ear, placed his other hand on top of Harry's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Harry, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Harry, how is your hearing now?"
Harry answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."
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Can you hear me? Jokes seem to always consist of you thinking one thing and then have the unexpected present itself. Hearing. That has two meanings, heh?! We think of the one with our ears and then, “bang”! He’s talking about a court case.
Can you believe that I made it through a whole message without mentioning politics!?
Neither can I! So, it’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday (either on the ski slopes or on the deck sun-bathing or whatever you might be doing to get ready for the weekend) and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
