Greetings from the Friday guy as we near the end of July. Some of you may have noticed that there was no issue last Friday. I was too busy attending to other, more important things. Besides, many of my international friends and colleagues were celebrating Eid at the end of Ramadan and were not in the office to see a TGIF, even if I sent one last Friday.
Last weekend marked the one-year anniversary of my Pam’s funeral. It also coincided with the every-other-year extended Taft family reunion that was nearby here in Vermont. So, we decided almost a year ago to have the committal of Pam’s urn/ashes this past Sunday, after the Friday/Saturday reunion. Jonathan (Brooklyn NY) and Joya (DC) and her Christopher also came up for the weekend and these two events. Many of the Taft relatives and local friends attended the committal service, which was beautiful. All of us shared good memories of Pam and her effect/impact on our respective lives. A very nice tribute!
This coming weekend is going to be a busy one as well. My best friend from high school and best man at my wedding, Tod Lawrence, will be here with me (from Columbus Ohio) to play as a team in my golf club’s annual Member-Guest Tournament. It should be fun!
So, since I’ll be thinking of not much else for the next several days, I thought a golf theme for today’s TGIF message would be appropriate.
I’m not going to label a special section near the end as the “TGIF Golden Classics”, though as all of these are golden oldies!
A RECENT STUDY FOUND THAT THE AVERAGE GOLFER WALKS ABOUT 900 MILES A YEAR.
ANOTHER STUDY FOUND GOLFERS DRINK, ON AVERAGE, 22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A YEAR, WHICH MEANS, ON AVERAGE, GOLFERS GET ABOUT 41 MILES TO THE GALLON.
KIND OF MAKES YOU PROUD. I ALMOST FEEL LIKE A HYBRID.
* * * * *
A HUSBAND AND WIFE ARE ON THE 9TH GREEN WHEN SUDDENLY SHE COLLAPSES FROM A HEART ATTACK.
"HELP ME DEAR," SHE GROANS TO HER HUSBAND.
THE HUSBAND CALLS 911 ON HIS CELL PHONE, TALKS FOR A FEW MINUTES, PICKS UP HIS PUTTER, AND LINES UP HIS PUTT.
HIS WIFE RAISES HER HEAD OFF THE GREEN AND STARES AT HIM.
"I'M DYING HERE AND YOU'RE PUTTING."
"DON'T WORRY DEAR," SAYS THE HUSBAND CALMLY, "THEY FOUND A DOCTOR ON THE SECOND HOLE AND HE'S COMING TO HELP YOU."
"WELL, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR HIM TO GET HERE?" SHE ASKS FEEBLY.
"NO TIME AT ALL," SAYS HER HUSBAND. "EVERYBODY'S ALREADY AGREED TO LET HIM PLAY THROUGH."
* * * * *
A GUSHY REPORTER TOLD PHIL MICKELSON, "YOU ARE SPECTACULAR, YOUR NAME IS SYNONYMOUS WITH THE GAME OF GOLF. YOU REALLY KNOW YOUR WAY AROUND THE COURSE. WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?"
MICKELSON REPLIED, "THE HOLES ARE NUMBERED."
* * * * *
A YOUNG MAN AND A PRIEST ARE PLAYING TOGETHER. AT A SHORT PAR-3 THE PRIEST ASKS, "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO USE ON THIS HOLE, MY SON?"
THE YOUNG MAN SAYS, "AN 8-IRON, FATHER, HOW ABOUT YOU?"
THE PRIEST SAYS, "I'M GOING TO HIT A SOFT SEVEN AND PRAY."
THE YOUNG MAN HITS HIS 8-IRON AND PUTS THE BALL ON THE GREEN.
THE PRIEST TOPS HIS 7-IRON AND DRIBBLES THE BALL OUT A FEW YARDS.
THE YOUNG MAN SAYS, "I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, FATHER, BUT IN MY CHURCH, WHEN WE PRAY, WE KEEP OUR HEAD DOWN."
* * * * *
POLICE ARE CALLED TO AN APARTMENT AND FIND A WOMAN HOLDING A BLOODY 3-IRON STANDING OVER A LIFELESS MAN.
THE DETECTIVE ASKS, "MA'AM, IS THAT YOUR HUSBAND?"
"YES" SAYS THE WOMAN.
"DID YOU HIT HIM WITH THAT GOLF CLUB?"
"YES, YES, I DID." THE WOMAN BEGINS TO SOB, DROPS THE CLUB AND PUTS HER HANDS ON HER FACE.
"HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU HIT HIM?"
"I DON'T KNOW -- PUT ME DOWN FOR A FIVE."
* * * * *
A GOLFER TEED UP HIS BALL ON THE FIRST TEE, TOOK A MIGHTY SWING AND HIT HIS BALL INTO A CLUMP OF TREES. HE FOUND HIS BALL AND SAW AN OPENING BETWEEN TWO TREES HE THOUGHT HE COULD HIT THROUGH.
TAKING OUT HIS 3-WOOD, HE TOOK A MIGHTY SWING. THE BALL HIT A TREE, BOUNCED BACK, HIT HIM IN THE FOREHEAD AND KILLED HIM.
AS HE APPROACHED THE GATES OF HEAVEN, ST. PETER ASKED, "ARE YOU A GOOD GOLFER?"
THE MAN REPLIED: "GOT HERE IN TWO, DIDN'T I?
* * * * *
THE BRIDE WAS ESCORTED DOWN THE AISLE AND WHEN SHE REACHED THE ALTAR, THE GROOM WAS STANDING THERE WITH HIS GOLF BAG AND CLUBS AT HIS SIDE.
SHE SAID: "WHAT ARE YOUR GOLF CLUBS DOING HERE?"
HE LOOKED HER RIGHT IN THE EYE AND SAID, "THIS ISN'T GOING TO TAKE ALL DAY, IS IT?"
* * * * * * * *
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY
1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON
WHY, YOU ASK?
1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST.
* * * * * * * *
Golf Ball Marker
A golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in, and hands him a dime to use as the marker.
FYI: This economic model is also used by US and Western Governments.
* * * * * * * *
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.
"Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
* * * * * * * *
Ambidextrous Golfer
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf until one transferred to another city... It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.
She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good.
Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other.
Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.
Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.
The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.
They rolled their eyes, but said okay.
She smiled and said "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed.
Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.
She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp.
Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.
They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her...
The third week, the guys had their game faces on.
But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.
This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.
They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank,
"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit...
Right before I left in the morning for golf, I would pull the covers off him.
If his Ol’ Fella was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointing straight up?"
She said,
"Then, I’m fifteen minutes late."
* * * * * * * *
THE BACK NINE HOLES
You know ... time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.
But, here it is... the back nine of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?
I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that I was only on the first hole and the back nine was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting gray...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't of my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the back nine, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...it's over. A new adventure will begin! Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done... things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.
So, if you're not on the back nine yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!
Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the back nine or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!
"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.
LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY! HAVE A GREAT DAY!
Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.
* * * * * * * *
So, whether you are on the front nine or the back nine, take a break and have a nice weekend!
Fore!!!
See you next week, I hope.
TGI-Jeff
