Greetings from your Friday guy, who didn’t manage to issue a message last week while he was in Portland Oregon, attending the Unitarian Universalist annual convention. It was my first time doing that, as a delegate, and my first time in Portland. I had always wanted to visit Portland and Oregon and so this worked out well. An old family friend and her husband helped us (brother Nate and sister Noreen) visit / see a lot of the city and surrounding areas, including Mount Hood! I really enjoyed the convention as well. So, I hope you forgive me for skipping a week. I guess that was my TGIF 20th anniversary gift to myself!
Thanks to Facebook and my posting a message that I was spending a week in Portland, an old high school friend also contacted me, reminding me that she lived in Portland. So, we got together for a meal and catching up. Fun. Thanks FB!
All my stateside friends know what zip codes are. They are the postal zone numbers that follow the name of the state in our addresses. They were implemented this week in 1963. We all know that they are called zip codes, but I would wager a lot of money that most people (the majority of Americans) do not know why they are called "zip" codes. So, I learned something this week. ZIP stands for "zone implementation plan". Initially they were just 5 digits. Years later they added another 4 digits, although those are not required. And the 5 digit number started with a zero (0) for New England and the first number increased by one for each region as we move west, ending with the west coast which starts with 9.
Alert! Alert! Alert!
There is some late-breaking news coming out of our nation’s capital. Shocking, actually. Let’s go to our DC correspondent.
In the wake of the recent Supreme Court ruling, which upheld a key pillar of Obamacare, the Republican Party has announced that it is firing Chief Justice John Roberts, who wrote the opinion for the majority. "This was a great gig -- the chance of a lifetime -- and he blew it," said former President George W. Bush, who nominated Roberts in 2005, and is widely thought to be the key figure behind the decision to kick the disappointing judge to the curb.
"We gave him a couple of chances," noted Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, sighing. "Sorry, John: if you routinely bite the hand that feeds you, expect that hand to slap you upside the head. I wish you good luck with your next job."
McConnell was clearly making a point when he appeared at the press conference with a Republican employee widely considered a paragon of loyalty, Associate Justice Samuel Alito. "I can tell you this," said Justice Alito, smirking, "I certainly won't be writing the guy a recommendation."
The disgraced chief justice kept a brave face as he cleared his desk and packed his judging implements in a cardboard box. "You do your best," he said. "I think I wrote some really good decisions, and I'm sorry that my party has seen fit to overlook those, while focusing on a couple of relatively trivial errors."
As security escorted John Roberts to the exit -- a perp walk for a man who was, only hours ago, the most powerful judiciary figure in the nation -- Senior Associate Justice Antonin Scalia leaned from the bench and hooted: "Loser."
(the above was in the Huffington Post)
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Subject: A disturbing statistic
Recent statistics released from the United Nations reveal that, on average,
Australian, Canadian, UK and US men aged between 50 and 75 years will have
sex 2 to 3 times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will
have sex only once or twice per year.
This is very upsetting news for most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.
* * * * * * * *
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland said to the
priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her
birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly
hide it under your robes for me?'
birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits
and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you
could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly
hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I
will not tell a lie.'
will not tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will
question you.'
question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to
declare?'
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to
declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing
to declare.'
to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he
asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist
to the floor?'
asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist
to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument that has been designed
for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead,
Father. Next please!'
Father. Next please!'
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The following one is an awful one, but I’ve got to fill out the pages of this edition, don’t I?
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Hmm," mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
* * * * * * * *
The Jewish Mother
A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan."
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
"I'm divorcing Nathan."
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says …..
"You're married to a multi - millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $ 250,000 Ferrari!
You get $ 2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away ...
"You're married to a multi - millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $ 250,000 Ferrari!
You get $ 2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away ...
Over 45 cents!!!!?"
NOW THAT'S A JEWISH MOTHER !
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Now that we’ve just had a Jewish joke, it’s time for a Catholic joke, although this one could easily qualify for the TGIF Golden Classic section, as I used this one at least a few times over the last 20 years!
A Catholic Joke
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...
In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
* * * * * * * *
Here’s another old one, but a good story.
CURTAIN RODS
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings
into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
return their calls.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a
price only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ....and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
Don’t you like these stories with happy endings?!!!
* * * * * * * *
With all these old jokes, I probably won’t need to have a TGIF Golden Classic section this week. It seems that all my messages of the recent past use mainly old ones. Have some of you noticed that? (GH?)
But then again, here is another old one that a friend contributed last week. My golf club is holding next week the annual event which is called the Divorce Open. So, why not pay a visit now to Divorce Court.
Divorce Court
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”
* * * * * * * *
I swear that all problems in the world are due to human beings’ difficulty in communicating clearly! (Did I hear some of you say “Amen”?)
I was thinking last week after we passed the summer solstice that it depresses me that the days have already started getting shorter. Which means winter is approaching already!!! Ugh! Sigh! Moan!
Well, at least we should have another couple months of summer and a few months of fall before then, hopefully.
Have a great weekend. And to my USA friends, Happy Fourth of July. Here’s also wishing the US women’s soccer team can win the Cup on Sunday versus Japan, in a rematch.
And Ramadan is halfway over. And there is a beautiful full moon out tonight that was a bit orange as it rose in the east. This month has a "blue moon" at the end of it too. Two full moons in one calendar month!!! That's not common - and thus the reason for the expression: "once in a blue moon"!
See you all next week!
TGI-Jeff
