Greetings from the TGIF corner in Vermont in mid-summer. It’s nice that summer has finally blossomed and even though the weatherman says it will rain and it doesn’t, I don’t mind. On Tuesday, it was supposed to rain and ruin my senior golf outing but luckily it did not. So, I don’t cancel events just because the forecast says it will rain.
I got some feedback on last week’s issue where I mentioned the zip codes. An old friend wrote to inform me that Agawam Massachusetts was awarded the first zip code number of 01001. You can’t beat that!
I enjoy watching sporting events. Last weekend it was the final of the women’s soccer World Cup match. It was actually a rematch of the last World Cup Final in which Japan beat the USA team (women) on a penalty shoot out. This time, the US girls scored 3 or 4 goals in the first 16 minutes. Apparently, 25 million people watched this game on TV which broke a lot of records. I’m so happy for those women who have worked hard over the last 10 years to reach this opportunity, and took advantage of it!
Now it is Wimbledon which dominates the tv sports. But the matches are early in the day here, given the time difference of 5 hours. When we were in Asia, all the matches were at night! I’ve always been a fan of Roger and so I hope he does well. And Serena looks like she’s on her way to a calendar slam.
The Tour de France also started last weekend. I remember when it was called by some Americans the “Tour de Lance”. Those days are gone. But I like the comment I saw recently that was from Willie Nelson about Lance:
“I just think it’s terrible and disgusting how everyone is treating Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.”
Back in the olden days of the TGIF, I often would use jokes with a certain theme. Today’s edition is one based on the majority of jokes I’ve received this past week or so. What do they have in common? Almost all of them have something to do with sex. So that is the theme. It may not be appropriate for younger readers. (Just a warning!)
Blind Dates
I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned – What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night. Turns out, there's an app for that. It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.
If you like her, you ignore it. If you want out you answer with, "Mom? What's the matter? Are you okay?" It works every time. So I knocked on the girl's door. Turns out I needn't have worried. She was gorgeous! I couldn't get over how attractive she was.
Just as I was about to speak, her phone rang. She answered it and said, "Mom, what's the matter? Are you okay?"
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Puns
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Different Types of Sex
This subject reminds me of an old joke that a good colleague and friend told me a LONG time ago. It’s this:
The definition of an “economist” is someone who knows 37 different positions for having sex, but doesn’t have any girlfriends.
Sex Life
Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?' 'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.' 'Pension sex?' 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
Loud Sex
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
Quiet Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session;
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
Confounded Sex
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium and $14,000 for 'large.'
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
'She'd rather remodel the kitchen .'
Wedding Anniversary Sex
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
Women’s Humorous Sex
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
she squirted it all over the door knobs. He couldn't get back in.
she squirted it all over the door knobs. He couldn't get back in.
Elderly Sex
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...
He could also fly.'
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Doctor-Patient Affair: An Ethical Dilemma
A well-respected doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
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SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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TGIF Golden Classic
For this issue with the theme of sex, here is an appropriate oldie to share with you:
Morris returns from the doctor shaking, and he tells his wife that the doctor informed him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only
8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for a third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to just four more remaining.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says,
'Listen, Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning... you don't.’
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So, I hope you have enjoyed this triple-X rated edition of the TGIF.
Now it’s time to wrap this one up and put a bow on it and send it off to you to help you enjoy your Friday. Then, after that, have a great weekend!
Until the next time, take care!
TGI-Jeff
