Greetings from the TGIF corner in Vermont, USA. It’s nicely summer and we are getting nearer to the summer solstice and I am sure that all my friends in Scandinavia are happy and partying on the streets all night long – a kind of celebration of the longest days. I kind of feel the same after the long, harsh winter that we endured here!!! Hooray! Celebrate!
Let me tell you a story about that. I once went from Rome to Stockholm to attend a 2-day conference on Afghanistan in probably mid-June, 1995, when I was the senior desk officer in Rome HQ for Afghanistan. I arrived at about 9 at night and went to bed in my hotel room early since we had a working breakfast scheduled for 7 a.m. the next morning, prior to the opening of the conference at 9. I set my alarm for 6 a.m. I was awakened by the sun coming through the window on my face and jumped up out of bed, thinking that my alarm had malfunctioned and that I had overslept. I took a quick shower and when I returned to the room, I looked at my watch on the bedside table, and it said that it was 5 a.m.!!!
In the following days, I enjoyed walking the streets with all the happy Swedes up through midnight, when it was still light out, and stopping occasionally to have a beer. I learned then that those days around the summer solstice are huge happy days up there to compensate for the long, dark, depressing days of winter.
I also see from the calendar that this week is the beginning of the month of Ramadan. I wish all my Muslim friends well and feel sympathy for those who live in the northern hemisphere as for those the fasting days are the longest. Don’t know how they manage! Good luck!
This past week has also been one of some significant anniversaries – some more than others!
It was on June 15, 1215 (800 years ago) that the Magna Charta was issued in England. My son Jonathan and I visited the exhibit at the National Library in Washington last November that had a copy of the Magna Charta. It’s this document that has some of the basic elements of democracy and the rule of law for western civilizations.
It was also 40 years ago this week that one of the most famous international footballers, Brazil’s Pele, played his first game for the New York Cosmos, in the attempt to bring football (soccer to some) to the USA in a professional league.
The other, somewhat less important anniversary of this week is that it was 20 years ago this past week that I served up the very first TGIF message to about a dozen of my WFP male co-workers in Rome. I have since then always referred to this group as my TGIF “dirty dozen”. That was before the TGIF spread like some contagious decease to other colleagues, including females, and those WFP colleagues in our Rome HQ and some of the country offices.
I had just returned from a month-long mission to Afghanistan and Pakistan in April-May of 1995 and was back in Rome HQ trying to write my mission report and the next PRO project for our program in Afghanistan. At Rome HQ, we had a farewell reception in early June 1995 for a “shipping colleague” who was retiring after many years of service. Several of my male colleagues and I were sipping some wine and sharing some jokes that we had recently received from friends thanks to the internet email connections that were still fairly new at that time. We vowed to share with each other via email some of these jokes we each were receiving. In the following days, there was a flood of funny emails that were sent/exchanged among this group of male colleagues. When I received a few days later possibly the first “OJ Simpson” joke from my brother-in-law Fred (from the USA), I just had to share it with these guys, the “dirty dozen”. So, on a Friday morning about 20 years ago, I forwarded the OJ joke to these guys. But I was wary of what to put in the subject line. So, since it was a Friday, I naturally put TGIF, as I did not want to indicate it as a “joke” to alert any management IT guys of our frivolity.
I got a similar message back from each of the “dirty dozen”. They each said that they liked the joke, but they wondered what “TGIF” meant. I realized then that this possible “Americanism” was not yet well known by my international WFP colleagues, from Italy, France, India, Pakistan, Benin, Sri Lanka, and so forth, and so I wrote back that TGIF stood for “Thank God It’s Friday”!
Each one of them responded to me suggesting that I issue a weekly joke on every Friday. And thus began the TGIF message which is now 20 years in the making.
I wish I could remember who all the “dirty dozen” were! I can remember a few. But if you receive this and you were one of them, please write me and let me know. Here is the short list that I can remember: David Fletcher, Gian Pietro Bordignon, George Heymell, Sam Thambiah, Lars Bjorkman, Mohamed Saleheen, Nick Crawford and Amir Abdullah. That is eight; so I am missing at least 4 others. Maybe Ram Saravanamutu and maybe Paul Turnbull, too. Help me guys!
In 1995, all WFP offices were not yet connected by a common email system. So, when I left Rome in the summer of 1996 for Pakistan, George Heymell took over the editing/issuing of the weekly TGIF message from Rome. When he left Rome for the field a year later, Amir Abdullah took it over for a year. When he moved to be the personal assistant to the director of the Operations Division a year later, it looked like the weekly TGIF message was going to end. But by the fall of 1998, WFP offices all over the world were connected with the same email system. At the same time, WFP was going through a process of decentralizing things from HQ to the field. So, since I didn’t want my creation of the TGIF message to disappear, I took it over from the field, in our Pakistan Country Office, in the fall of 1998. It’s continued to follow me after Pakistan to Sri Lanka, to Niger and into my retirement here in Vermont. The TGIF lives on now after 20 years!
My kids have encouraged me to publish a book of “The Best of TGIF”. I have friends and relatives who only read the intro and closing to get family news and updates; while I have other friends who skip over all that and go straight for the jokes. Everything is acceptable to your TGIF editor-in-chief.
I’ll never forget the story that my HQ colleague told me, probably in 1996. He used to print out a copy of the TGIF message to take home to share with his wife. One night, after navigating the awful Rome traffic on a Friday evening, arrived home and when he did not deliver the printed version of the TGIF to his wife, she asked “where is it?” He was compelled (in the name of marital bliss, I guess) to drive back to WFP HQ and retrieve a copy of the TGIF. When I told this story to Pam, at that time, her comment to me was that “Really? They should get a life!”
How did the TGIF spread from a dozen guys to hundreds of WFP colleagues? Back in 1995, each floor in our Cristoforo Colombo twin towers had only 2 printers on each floor of each tower. So, when some of the recipients would send it to one of the printers and forget to pick it up, others looking for their printouts would pick a copy of the TGIF message out of the printer and read it and then come to my office and ask to be added to the address list. That was one method. Another was that desk officers in HQ would send it out to the country offices that they covered. By the time I left Rome HQ in the late summer of 1996, we had about 150 members and several country offices in the field. Today there are probably a thousand recipients of the weekly message. Plus, thanks to Alpha Bah, who set up a blog site for the TGIF, anyone can access it via that blog site.
You can find present and past issues of the TGIF jokes at <http://tgijeff.Blogspot.com>
Despite what many people might have thought, I drafted the TGIF messages over the years outside of official working hours. In fact, it was a good way to wind down from many a stressful day. When most others had left the office and it was quiet, I’d click on my file of received jokes and each evening select a few good ones and cut and paste them onto the Word file for TGIF. By Thursday evening, I usually had my 7 or 8 jokes ready to go and I just needed to draft the intro to it that evening and head for home after saving it in my drafts folder. When I arrived in the office on Friday morning at 8, I’d then put my entire TGIF address list in the “bcc” line and click “Send”.
Okay. You wish to stop me and ask, what was that first OJ Simpson joke. I thought you’d never ask!!!
Keep in mind that this was 20 years ago, before I was sufficiently schooled by my daughter Joya on gender-sensitive material. And then there was only the “dirty dozen” to please, as if I was in a male locker room. No women allowed!
I consider myself a fairly gender sensitive guy, although in this context, back in 1995, I just had to share the following joke:
June 1995, in the early days of the OJ Simpson trial in LA:
What three things does OJ Simpson possess that most American males envy him for:
One: A Heisman trophy (the trophy for the best American college footballer)
Two: A dead wife.
And Three: A good chance to get off!!!
* * * * * * * *
So, whether you wish to celebrate the summer solstice, the Magna Charta, Pele’s first game as a New York Cosmo or the 20th anniversary of the first TGIF, I hope you enjoy this edition. But keep in mind that just because it’s the 20th anniversary of the TGIF doesn’t mean that it will be somehow better than the others!
But, at least here is a new one!
Colonoscopy and Beer
It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a colonoscopy.
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see
Me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
Me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam
Table:
Table:
A tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y
Is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
Is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new nurse,
"Damn it, Evelyn !......... I said a "BUTT LIGHT"
* * * * * * * *
BIRTH CONTROL FOR GRANDMA
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills..
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks ... . And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."
* * * * * * * *
The Garden Club
Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked Evelyn.
'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement...!''
Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile!
* * * * * * * *
Is sex work? - Australian Navy Opinion
A Royal Australian Navy Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure”?
A Commander chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A Lieutenant Commander said it was 50-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Captain turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee and asked what was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the sailors.
* * * * * * * *
THE BACK NINE
You know ... time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.
But, here it is... the back nine of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go?
I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that I was only on the first hole and the back nine was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting gray...they move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore... it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will... I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!! But, at least I know, that though I'm on the back nine, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...it's over. A new adventure will begin! Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.
So, if you're not on the back nine yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you're on the back nine or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!
"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one. LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY TODAY! DO SOMETHING FUN! BE HAPPY ! HAVE A GREAT DAY Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver. LIVE HAPPY IN 2015!
LASTLY, CONSIDER THIS:
~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!
~You forget names.... But it's OK because some people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything like golf.
~The things you used to care to do, you aren't as interested in anymore, but you really do care that you aren't as interested.
~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV 'ON' than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... ???
~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~Everybody whispers.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet.... 2 of which you will never wear.
~~~But Old is good in some things: Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
Stay well, "OLD FRIEND!" Send this on to other "Old Friends!" and let them laugh in AGREEMENT!!! It's Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived.
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN; YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE, SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LAST
"Do Not Regret Growing Older. It is a Privilege Denied to Many."
* * * * * * * *
I think that the above message on the Back Nine is an appropriate one to end this 20th anniversary edition of the TGIF message.
However, most of you TGIF members know that over the years I have reminded you all that to remain a member, you need to submit a joke contribution from time-to-time that represents your dues. I have threatened that I will remove your name/email address from the master TGIF address list if you do not. But, it’s been 20 years now and I have not dropped a single one of you! Although I might add that some have dropped me because they didn’t like the jokes or found it too long or offensive. One guy asked me to drop him from the list because he said that all jokes are just resurrected ones that existed years ago and that nothing much is new! How right he was!
But all that doesn’t matter to me. Because I have heard from so many of you over the years about your pleasure at reading a few funny lines at the end of the work week that make you laugh or smile; and I’d like to think, make your lives a little more bearable, if not pleasant.
Being positive about your outlook on life is important; not taking yourself too seriously; and having and using your sense of humor is critical to a healthy and long life. So, I hope my 20 years of the TGIF have contributed to some of these for you.
Here’s to another 20 years of the TGIF!
TGI-Jeff
