Greetings to all the TGIF faithful on this last day of the working week (well, at least for most of you)! And for all of you who are still working a regular job, I remember that good feeling I used to get when I knew it was Friday. Now, I can’t even remember what day of the week it is!!! (It’s a nice feeling, actually!) Okay, but I’ll try to not rub it in!
As you know, I resumed editing a TGIF message last week. I must say that I was truly touched by all the notes and messages that I received as a result of last week’s TGIF message. I received so many that I have not found time to respond to each and every one of them. Please know that I have read all of them and am really appreciative. Also I’m happy to know that most of you seem to be happy to see the TGIF again. Thanks. I do enjoy doing it and will try to continue.
I got lots of comments about my mentioning that in losing my proofreader, I feared making grammatical and spelling mistakes going forward. But two stand out. One was from a teacher friend who highlighted my 3 or 4 mistakes in last week’s message in red ink. At the other extreme, one old friend stated that he will be happy to read my TGIFs with or without the spelling errors or grammatical mistakes. (I hope I don’t make any BIG MISTEAKS!)
As for our Vermont weather, winter doesn’t want to give up and we got a mixture of sleet and snow on Wednesday night that covered the ground and did not melt at all on Thursday – as the temperature remained close to freezing. So, instead of staring gloomily out the window on the wintry landscape, I watched on TV the Master’s Major from Augusta Georgia, where spring has arrived.
Don’t forget that the TGIF messages come to you as a result of many of you sending me good jokes that you receive from your silly friends. When you see a good one, think of me.
Hands Up – Don’t Shoot
Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes!"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No Sarge. The floor is still wet."
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Algebra
Dear Algebra,
Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.
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Modern Marriage
A new and connected generation.....
Daughter to Dad TEXTING
(Communication in Today’s Generation)
Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your checkbook. LOL
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."
Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter, ‘
Lilly’s Dad's reply ....also texting
My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
L.O.L. ,
Daddy
* * * * * * * *
And speaking of modern communication, how many of you get ticked off like me for people talking loudly on their smart phone in a public place?
Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.
* * * * * * * *
The Old Cowhand
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
''Hold on there, Mister,'' said the sheriff. ''Did I just see what I think I saw?''
''Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.''
''And that cures them?'' the Sheriff asked.
''Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em.''
* * * * * * * *
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
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Farmer Math
A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons. When his sons opened up the Will it read:
My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses; my middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses; and my youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.
As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.
The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and, after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their fathers Will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.
Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2
The TOTAL IS 17.
Now this leaves one horse left over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.
Problem Solved!
Moral:
The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th horse i.e. the common ground.
Once a person is able to find the 18th horse the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times.
However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won't be able to reach any!
That's what I call clever mathematics.
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TGIF Golden Classic(s)
Since resuming my preparation of the weekly TGIF message, I’ve received several good old ones that are just too good not to feature in my TGIF Golden Classic section. So, today I have three of them. Enjoy!
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers.”
‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies, “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
The bartender and soon the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening – he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all”.
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well It’s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”
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AGE
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.
(It happens to me more and more ……. TGI-Jeff)
If so, you can probably relate to this one from Alice.
MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 45-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1968. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED-FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
SON-OF-A-BITCH,
ASKED.....
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH??'
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The Welfare Recipient
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.”
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me??"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
* * * * * * * *
Time to wish my older brother Nate a happy 70th birthday and my sister Noreen a happy birthday next week on the 16th. (Notice I did not reveal her age!)
Once again, thanks for all of your messages. Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
