Greetings from the Friday guy after two gorgeous days where the temperature made it up to 70, with lots of sun. Spring must finally be here. But there is still enough snow on some of the ski slopes to have enjoyed these last two days skiing in great spring conditions. So few skiers that I had the slopes almost to myself – that’s good as that reduces the chances of me running into someone!!!
Other than these last 2 days of skiing I could see last week that it was going to be another quiet week here in Lake Woe-is-me - - - or should it be “Lake Week-be-gone”? So, son Jonathan came up from Brooklyn to pick up some more of his stuff (most of it now I think), including a few bikes and I agreed to drive him back down with all this stuff and I did that on Monday, seeing his relatively new place in Brooklyn for the first time. It’s nice. I was once again impressed as to how big “the Big Apple” really is!
So, during my hiatus from editing & issuing TGIF messages, I have done some traveling. Given the long and cold winter we had up here in the northeast, I decided to make a trek down to Florida for four weeks (last week of Feb. and first 3 weeks of March) in my car, so that I could take my golf clubs, as well. And some pints of real Vermont maple syrup for house gifts for friends with whom I stayed. It was a great trip that I broke up so that I was not usually driving more than 5 hours per day. I saw and spent time with many old cherished friends and a few relatives (also cherished!) and managed to catch 4 spring training MLB baseball games and had four rounds of golf. I thank all of you who I stayed with or saw and spent time with during this great trip. You know who you are!!!
On my trip northward, I also had the pleasure of meeting the parents of Joya’s “man” (Chris) who drove from Chicago to DC so that we could meet and spend a few days together. That was great, as well as seeing Martha and Fred there in DC too, and staying with them when my “airb&b” place had a blown hot water heater on night one.
So, that’s the family news for son Jonathan and daughter Joya. What about second son Phil? Well, I believe he is attending this weekend once again the big concert at Coachella in California. It’s like the 3rd or fourth year he’s gone with a bunch of friends. They tell me it’s a bit like Woodstock. But in order to know how it was spelled, I just googled it and I found a site that said who were ‘The 50 most beautiful people at Coachella” and I thought, wait a minute; I don’t think Woodstock was about beauty – it was about music and mud and making love in the mud; wasn’t it? I hope Phil isn’t engaged in any of that this weekend!!! I guess California can't have any mud if it doesn't have any water! Anyway, I don’t understand why he isn’t one of the 50 most beautiful!
Okay. Now it is time to turn this over to the material that has been sent to me recently. Remember if you will, the TGIF slogan: garbage in – garbage out!!!
You old-timers will remember when I used to have TGIF themes. Well, after seeing the bulk of good stuff I picked out for this week, I would say the theme is “the wisdom that comes with growing older”. I’m sticking with that!
I dialed a number of a friend and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
* * * * * * * *
An elderly couple learning to text...
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
* * * * * * * *
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
* * * * * * * *
GETTING OLDER
Two elderly ladies were talking.
“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse; Parkinson”s or Alzheimer”s?" one said.
Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."
* * * * * * * *
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
* * * * * * * *
The Wisdom of Old
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."
A Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired.
Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: --- Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.
That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, --- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.
That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see !!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so --
" Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!
That will be $500."
Moral of story --- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "!!!
* * * * * * * *
I was always taught to respect my elders;
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
* * * * * * * *
Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Yuma, AZ. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up.
Sure enough a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."
The blonde cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a lookin’ the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team. The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.
"I stopped a tractor-trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it...two have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle."
* * * * * * * *
It’s now time for a couple of TGIF Golden Classics:
Jacob, age 81 and Rebecca, age 80, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
* * * * * * * *
When Insults Had Class....
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr
- Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend the second .... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
* * * * * * * *
Well, I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening drafting this TGIF message. It really has been fun and I wish to thank my assistant, Mr. J. Jameson, for this one!
I’ve put my skis away in the barn and got out my road bike that I hope to put a few thousand miles on this summer – while trying to remove some of that spare tire I have around my midsection. Skiing is good but it's all downhill. While with biking, you have to struggle up the hills (without the benefit of a lift) before you are able to go downhill.
I wish you all a very pleasant weekend. And remember, Phil, don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do!!!
Until next week, be good, and if you can’t be good, be careful!!!
TGI-Jeff
