Dear TGIF subscribers,
For those of you who only know me because of the Friday TGIF message and not know me as a friend, you may be wondering why you haven’t seen any sign of a TGIF message since last May. Well, that was when we discovered that my wife, Pam, had an advanced stage of a somewhat rare and aggressive cancer that took her very quickly. She died in mid-July and all of us who knew her and loved her have been trying to cope with this loss since then.
It was a hard year for my family. My Dad died at the end of May at the age of 97. Then, a few weeks later, my sister’s husband died and a month later, my Pam died. It would be hard to believe those 3 losses happened within 6 weeks for any family; but to experience it yourself was a bit overwhelming, to say the least.
Obviously, I was not in any kind of mood to contemplate drafting and issuing TGIF messages since then. But many of my friends have asked if I would eventually return to my “hobby-job” of being the TGIF editor-in-chief and I often responded that maybe when Spring comes, maybe I’ll think about it. (As I type “Spring” I also realize that I have not only lost my wife and best friend, but also my TGIF proofreader, who would always spot my grammatical errors or spelling mistakes and correct them. So, now I have to ask myself: is it spring or Spring? Pam would have told me!!! And taken some pleasure in doing so, I might add! J )
Well, about 10 days ago, the sun crossed over the equator on its’ annual trip from favoring the southern hemisphere to moving toward the northern hemisphere so that those of us in the northern hemisphere can enjoy our spring and summer. This “vernal equinox” means that it is now spring here. But whereas that may be astronomically correct, you can’t convince any of us Vermonters of that! I am looking out on a back yard still covered in snow, although a lot has been melting in the last 2 weeks as the sun does get higher in the sky. [(I went skiing today and it was great spring skiing and got up to about 55 degrees! We haven’t had a lot of days since last October where the temperature was above freezing. In fact, a few weather records were broken in Vermont this winter. One is that the average temperature for the month of January in Vermont was 15 degrees F (about minus 9 C) which was a record low. Secondly, the weather bureau in Saint Johnsbury recorded no day in the whole month of February where the temperature was above freezing (32 F and 0 C). Don’t tell me that February only has 28 days!!! (Trivia question: how many months have 28 days??? Answer further below.)] [And those scientists out there please don’t correct me when I say the sun is moving north. I KNOW it is not the sun that is moving. It is the Earth’s tilt on its access as it revolves around the sun that makes it SEEM as though the sun is moving. So there! I’m smarter than you might think!]
I know Pam would have wanted me to continue issuing a TGIF message, even if it includes some grammatical and/or spelling errors. So, here goes nothing!
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
* * * * * * * *
The World Cup of Cricket finished recently. It was hosted jointly by New Zealand and Australia, down under! Australia managed to beat New Zealand in the final last week. But I bet you didn’t know that you should never trust a cricketer.
I have a lot of cricket friends in Pakistan and Sri Lanka who will (or should) especially appreciate the following.
NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER
Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.
First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.
Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!
And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!
Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.
So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.
The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..
And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.
Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!
We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.
So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.
And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.
If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!
The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.
Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!
So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:
“NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!”
* * * * * * * *
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
Thee is a hush within the congregation.
No one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said
'Screw him!'
Isn't senility great?
* * * * * * * *
A Little British History
During the royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."
Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him.
Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, …and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that’s why, from that day forward, all French Army officers have worn brown pants.
* * * * * * * *
Men in Heaven
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines:
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
"I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "This is where my wife told me to stand."
* * * * * * * *
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: I have some good news and, I have some bad news.
The tycoon replies: I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first?
The lawyer says: Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: Well done, very good news indeed!
You've just made my day; now what's the bad news?
The lawyer answers: The pictures are of you with your secretary.
* * * * * * * *
Okay. It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic!
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore...
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal...
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat...
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing except eat; yet it lives for 150 years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it;
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran;
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded;
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded;
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?;
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser;
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the tree;
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them;
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids;
11. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere;
12. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom;
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees;
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess;
15. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere;
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth;
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after";
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded;
19. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
20. Please be kind to the elderly!
* * * * * * * *
Trivia question answer: all months have 28 days! :)
I guess this has been long enough after such a long absence. I wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!!!
TGI-Jeff
