Greetings from the Friday guy. My trip to Colorado was postponed for a few weeks and so, after taking last week off, I figured I’d better try to produce one for this Friday.
We’ve had our share of snow this winter and most people who have stayed around here, and not gone south, are fed up with it all already! Me included. But it is good for the skiing industry and Vermont’s economy. At the end of last week we had a few warm days (up to 50 degrees F) and then it rained all one day. But this week, the cold returned and in the next several days/week it is to be much colder than normal for this time of year.
Over the last few weeks I enjoyed watching much in the Sochi Winter Olympics, but especially the ice hockey, both men’s and women’s. Canada still reigns supreme in that. Russia won the most medals with the USA a close second. Canada, Norway and the Netherlands also won a lot of ‘em.
Let’s see what you all have provided for me to “pick and choose” some selections for today.
Thoughts
- Monday is an awful way to spend a seventh of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- You never learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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MARIJUANA & MARRIAGE
For those who haven't heard, Washington State just passed both laws – legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense, because Leviticus 20:13 says:
"If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.
* * * * *
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
* * * * *
Ramblings of a Retired Mind
(Some of these are old, but some are new. TGI-Jeff)
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs'.
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
AMEN
* * * * *
A Redneck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
(I know that you all saw that one coming!)
* * * * *
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware... Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman...
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters...'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
* * * * *
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scottish Husband?
He was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.”
She replied, “Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?”
“Nay,” Jock replied, “I'm switching the heating off while I'm out.”
* * * * *
And speaking of the Scottish,
If Scotland gains independence in the September referendum, the remainder of the UK will be then become known as the Former United Kingdom, or F.U.K. for short.
In a bid to discourage Scots from voting 'yes' in the referendum, UKIP are about to begin a campaign leading with the slogan, 'Please vote No, for F.U.K.'s Sake'!
They feel the Electorate will be able to relate to this sentiment, particularly those residing in the Inverness area.
* * * * *
It’s time for this week’s TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC
CIA ASSASSIN NEEDED
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
“This gun is loaded with blanks” she said, “I had to kill him with the chair!”
* * * * *
Well, it is the end of February already and so 1/6th of the year 2014 is already behind us. But it’s Friday and we have a nice weekend ahead of us to enjoy. So, do just that!
We’re looking forward to meeting our new grand nephew this Sunday during the gathering here of 4 generations of Taft men (well, … 3 men and one little baby).
TGI-Jeff
