Greetings from New England on this very wintry day. During the last 48 hours, Winter Storm Pax has hit the southeast of the U.S. and has been moving up the east coast and now it has become a “Nor’easter” here in New England. The storm has coated the eastern seaboard with lots of snow. It started snowing here in Vermont early Thursday morning. By Friday morning we will have received anywhere from 6 to 12 inches of new snow. That’s great for all the ski areas as next week is the February school vacation in most New England states and so there will be lots of skiers on the slopes.
My mid-week pass is not valid next week. So, I’ll take the week off from skiing and rest up for a week of skiing with older brother Nate the following week in Colorado. So, take note: there will be no TGIF message on the 21st or 28th. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t have to forward me any material. I’m really running low on stuff that hasn’t already been used a half dozen times.
The Sochi Winter Olympics began last week and are in full swing. So far, Norway is leading in the medals, although Canada, Russia, USA and Germany are not far behind. Not bad for a country of about 5 million people, heh!
Many people like to watch the figure skating; while others like the skiing events. I’m especially interested in both the men’s and women’s hockey this time. It should be Team Canada versus Team USA in the women’s gold medal game; while the men’s hockey tourney seems wide open. Sweden, Finland, Russia, Canada and the USA all seem to have good teams with a chance to medal.
Let’s see what I’ve got to share with you today!
The week’s notable quote:
Zimbabwe’s “President For Life” Robert Mugabe said: ''I want the people of Africa to treat me the same way as they treated Nelson Mandela ''.
Morgan Tsavangirai (Leader of the Opposition) immediately responded: "What a great idea, let’s start with 27 years in jail!”
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WISDOM OF THE JEWS
There was once a wise Jewish man. He said that the essence of all wisdom is what you have in your head!
His name was Solomon.
Then came another wise Jewish man. He said that the essence of all is what you have in your heart!!
His name was Jesus.
Then came a third wise Jewish man. He said that the essence of all is what you have in your stomach!!!
His name was Marx.
Then came another wise Jewish man – wiser than all before – Einstein.
He said everything is relative!!!!
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CHINESE FOOD
According to the Jewish Calendar, the year will be
5768.
5768.
According to the Chinese calendar, the year will be
4705.
That means that for 1,063 years the Jews went
without Chinese Food.
4705.
That means that for 1,063 years the Jews went
without Chinese Food.
Those were known as the Dark Ages.
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INVESTMENT TIPS FOR 2014
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2014:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
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THE GOLDEN SALOON
A guy comes home completely drunk late one night.
He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
* * * * *
HILLBILLY STRIPTEASE
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move; lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)
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An Easy Guide To Keeping Newspaper Reading In Perspective:
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. The Northwest Florida Daily News is used by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
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It’s time for this week’s TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC
It’s indeed an old one but one that I received last week.
$7.00 SEX
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”
The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.”
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”
The man says, “We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and best of all....
Medicare pays $43 of it.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and best of all....
Medicare pays $43 of it.
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I am obliged to wish all you hopeless romantics a Happy Valentine’s Day today. Thank God It’s Friday, heh!? At least you can celebrate that fact and that you’ve got a weekend ahead of you. Enjoy it!
Take care of yourselves until I launch my next issue in early March.
TGI-Jeff
