Greetings once again from your TGIF editor, reporting in from upstairs (not down in the dungeon!) on this beautiful warm day at the end of May. Our spring finally started a few weeks ago and then last week it was cold and rainy. Some of the mountains in the northern half of the state got between one and three feet of snow just a week ago. That’s Vermont!
I’m looking forward to taking part in a week-long bike tour in northern Vermont and the Champlain Lake area in a few weeks. My brother Nate and his friends from Colorado are taking part in this one as well. It’s a Colorado Heart Cycle-organized tour. I took part in one of theirs last September when we biked from Portland, Maine to Rockport, MA and back. There will be lots of hills and I am training to get in shape for that. I did a 44-mile ride today and got a lot of sun.
It’s been 3 weeks (May 10th) since I issued a TGIF. Too much other stuff going on! Planting perennials and more recently, some annuals, as well as playing several rounds of golf and getting out on the bike. I’m also trying to write the history of the local golf course that opened in 1953, 60 years ago. So, I keep busy.
I don’t think anyone can accuse me of being a slacker.
Slackers
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting all the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £300 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy £1,200 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "He's the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
* * * * *
Lions & Sex
Two Newfoundlanders are drinking in a small bar in Cornerbrook.
Fred says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night!"
"Ah, shit", says Bob. "....and I just joined the Kiwanis".
* * * * *
U.S. College Football
I know many of you are looking forward to football season. Well, here’s a little recap of last season …..
Coincidence??
Just wondering!
Alabama beat Arkansas
and Arkansas fired their coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee
and Tennessee fired their coach.
Alabama beat Auburn
and Auburn fired their coach.
Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...
Damn, I wish Congress had a team.
* * * * *
A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Hualapai Mountains when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Arizonian takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.
"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.
"No, no. Remember this is a Red State, it's legal here in Arizona", replies the Arizonian.
Later that night the Californian goes to Kingman to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.
The Californian thinks "No problem" draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.
As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.
"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona!" protests the Californian.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
* * * * *
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of 'Lucky Charms', and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
* * * * *
Fridge Not Working???
I came home from golfing today.....
The wife had left a note on the fridge:
"It's not working, I can't take it anymore!!
Gone to stay with a friend."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.........
What the hell is she talking about??????
* * * * *
Toothbrushes
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop, you wanna buy a toothbrush?" I used the Julia Gillard method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.
* * * * *
Gas Bill
A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia)
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away.
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and that
they would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt. Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all. A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0..00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate
steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerk
at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
he had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer. And all this over $0.00.
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and that
they would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt. Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all. A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0..00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate
steps to recover the debt. At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerk
at the local courthouse that he was not joking. They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
he had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court
for consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and
[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their client to suffer. And all this over $0.00.
* * * * *
The Irish Mirror
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
“How 'bout that !”, he exclaims, “Here's a picture of my Fadder.”
He bought the mirror, thinking it was a picture of his dad. But on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed ;
“So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.”
“So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.”
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Empathy of a Scotsman!
A Priest, a Doctor, a rich Businessman and a Scotsman were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Doctor shouted to them, "I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Scotsman chimed in, "Och aye! We ha' been waitin' for nigh on fifteen minutes!"
The Businessman called out, "Move it on you guys, time is money."
The Priest said, "Here comes George the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!" said the Priest, "What's wrong with that annoying group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free, anytime they want to."
The group fell into an embarrassed silence for a moment.
Then the Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything they can do for them."
The Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate £350,000 to the Fire Brigade Benevolent Fund in honour of these brave souls."
And the Scotsman said, "Why kin they no play at night?
* * * * *
It makes sense to me. Reminds me that my brother Nate will be riding on a tandem bike for the Vermont and Lake Champlain tour with a blind guy, Ron, on the back of it. They once tried switching positions and apparently, it didn’t work out as they fell after a few yards. But Ron is an incredible guy and probably works a lot harder than Nate does as he can’t see if Nate is really working. Nate likes to motivate Ron by telling him a few “chicks” are about ready to overtake them and then Ron shifts into high gear in order to prevent that from happening. Ron doesn’t want to be “chicked”.
So, don’t hold your breathe about the next time you’ll hear from me. There is also outdoor tennis on the Mayott court and hiking Mount Ascutney and tending to the lawn and flowers. Plus the golf and the reading and the biking.
Enjoy your Friday and have a wonderful weekend! June is upon us and the days are nice and long!
TGI-Jeff
