Greetings from your Friday guy from a very wet Vermont in this middle of June. Seems like we’ve had a lot more rain recently than we usually get at this time of year. Things certainly are green around here. A little more rain and this whole area will look like a jungle. It hardly stops raining long enough to mow the lawn, let alone play some golf or go for a bike ride.
I missed issuing a TGIF last Friday as just too much other stuff was impeding me from doing my weakly-weekly duty.
It is Alumni weekend here in Springfield with the big parade on Saturday. The rain may continue through Friday morning; but I hope it stops by early afternoon when there is an SHS Alumni golf scramble planned. Then it looks like we may have good weather for Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Hope so as it is also Father’s Day on Sunday and our son is coming up from Boston for a brief break and we may play a little golf too.
It is also the weekend of the PGA’s US Open Golf Championship. It started today (Thursday) and will conclude on Sunday. It’s at a famous course (Merion) near Philadelphia PA, where Ben Hogan, in 1950, used a 1-iron shot to put himself into a tie and eventually he won a playoff for the title. The US Open is one of the four “major” golf championships (the Masters, the PGA and the British Open, being the other 3). The site of the US Open rotates among the top 25 or so courses in the U.S. and this is the first time back at Merion since 1980 or so.
Speaking of golf, I got a contribution this week about a former golfer, Lee Trevino, who was Hispanic and had a great sense of humor.
Lee Trevino: A true story.
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
* * * * *
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
The lawyer asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?"
“We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man, he stated, "You come with us, too."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
* * * * *
Someone who knows me too well sent me the following one that he knew I would like.
Why I Couldn't Keep a Job
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory ,
but I got canned . Couldn't concentrate.
but I got canned . Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it , so they gave me the axe.
but just couldn't hack it , so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.
but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but just didn't have the thyme.
but just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,
but didn't have any patience.
but didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10 I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
11 Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12 So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13 After many years of trying to find steady work. I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
1 My last job was working in Starbucks,
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15 SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT,
AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB - LOVE IT!!!!!
AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB - LOVE IT!!!!!
* * * * *
Touching Story
Every once in a while you receive a cute e-mail that "warms your heart" and you just can't wait to pass it along...
A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door
...
...
It is opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted
cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a
Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a
Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"
Little boy: "What the f*** do you think?"
* * * * *
Men versus Women
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women. Women are crazy and men are stupid.
And the main reason that women are crazy is that men are stupid.” ….. George Carlin.
* * *
Men socialize by insulting each other; but they don’t really mean it.
Women socialize by complimenting each other, but they don’t really mean it either.
* * *
Ole and Sven
Ya shur...
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. "Ve're supposed to find da height of da flagpole," said Sven, "but ve don'thaff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took ameasurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask for da height and she gives us da length!"
* * * * *
Retiree Job Interview
For those who are retired, you understand....
For those who have not yet, your time will come.....
Job Interview
Interviewer: What would you consider is your greatest weakness?
Applicant: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a weakness.
Applicant: I don’t give a flying f**k what you think!
* * * * *
Alaska – A Bear on the Roof
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
* * * * *
Jewish Sex
The Italian man said, "Last week my wife and I had great sex when I rubbed her body all over with olive oil and we made passionate love and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter and made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Jewish man said, "Well last week my wife and I also had sex and I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat) and we made love and she screamed for over six hours."
The other two were stunned and the amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Jewish man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."
* * * * *
A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?'
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'
* * * * *
IT’S TIME FOR THE TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC:
SKINNY DIPPING
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'
Some old men can still think fast.
* * * * *
And some of us can still think real slow. But “slow living” is now “in” up here in Vermont. In fact, last weekend in nearby Brattleboro, they had a Slow Living Summit. Grow your own food, support farmer’s markets, eat local, have an interactive supportive community, install solar panels to supplement your energy use and more. It’s nice to not be a part of the “rat race” and slow down and enjoy life. And yes, my greatest weakness is honesty and I don’t care what you think!
Today is Flag Day here in the USA and would have been my Mom’s 95th birthday. Happy Anniversary to sister Noreen and her husband Steve!
Hope you all can enjoy your upcoming weekend. It’s almost here. It’s Friday, thank God!
See ya next week. Inshallah!
TGI-Jeff
