Greetings from your TGIF editor on this first Friday of the month of May. We’ve been blessed with some warmer weather of late and I can’t complain. The golf clubs have been brought out of the basement and used several times in the past few weeks, as has the road bike. And the wonders of Mother Earth’s rebirth is fun to observe. The daffodils and the forsythia are now in bloom and the buds on the trees are well developed. Reminds me of the old admonition to an unwanted guest: “Make like a tree and leave!”
Earth Day was on the 22nd and tomorrow, the 4th of May is Vermont Clean-Up day, where volunteers go out and pick up litter along the roads and put it in green plastic bags to be disposed of. I plan on pitching in this year as I don’t like seeing litter along the roads that I enjoy biking on.
So, it’s a nice time of year, knowing that the long winter is now behind us. The deck chairs and barbecue grill are out and in place and ready to be put to use. I’ve got some weeding to do as the weeds seem to flourish without any help on my part, while the perennials and lawn grass seem to need lots of care and work. I guess it’s just to keep old farts like me busy.
* * * * *
Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 2 tons of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 12 trafficked Latino prostitutes - all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Avenue.
Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:"We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."
* * * * *
And speaking of libraries, here is a good one for those of you who are well read:
Mark Twain’s classic, Huckleberry Finn, has been edited to make it politically correct. It is a classic, reflecting the language and morays of its time, but I guess it had to happen. Here are some other titles which have been added to satisfy them darn liberals.
Height-Challenged Womyn
To Catch and Release a Mockingbird
Crime and Time Out
Lady Chatterley’s Friend with Benefits
And
The Still Productive Senior Citizen and the Sea
* * * * *
Some Scottish Humour
A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher....
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'.
The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end, and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are ye sure this is where he fell in?'
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'.
The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.' The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end, and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are ye sure this is where he fell in?'
* * * * *
The Church Lady
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday an out of town gentleman was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, “what the hell have I done?”
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing. What ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them, you don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time”.
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, “what the hell have I done?”
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing. What ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them, you don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time”.
* * * * *
SOMETHING BAD TO REPORT
At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
* * * * *
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
* * * * *
THE RYE BREAD SECRET
Two old guys, 80 and 87, were sitting on a park bench.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
Two old guys, 80 and 87, were sitting on a park bench.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
* * * * *
And speaking of that “s” word, which I don’t usually use in a TGIF message, read on:
Manure... An interesting fact
Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction 'Stow high in transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ‘S.H.I.T'’, (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction 'Stow high in transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ‘S.H.I.T'’, (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.
I had always thought it was a golf term.
(At least I hear it a lot out on the course.)
* * * * *
Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
Connie leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked Evalyn.
'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement…!'
* * * * *
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...
A wife came home late one night and quietly opened the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she saw four legs instead of two. Instantly pissed, she grabbed a baseball bat near the bureau and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she left to go to the kitchen to have a drink. Just as she entered the kitchen she saw her husband there reading a magazine.
"Hi Honey", he said, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?"
* * * * *
Time for an “oldie-but-goodie” so here is the TGIF Golden Classic for this week:
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists:
a Yale graduate and a redneck from Tennessee.
They were given a word; then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said solemnly and slowly:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caavan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said solemnly and slowly:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caavan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three gals in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three gals in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
* * * * * * * *
I know that that one is a real old one for some of my tennis and skiing friends, but maybe for all you others, it’s not so well known. And speaking of Timbuktu, I’m hoping that our Peace Corps Mali group reunion talked about for this coming August can be held on the first weekend of August. It would be fun to be able to attend and see all my “old” friends from long ago.
In the meantime, have a fantastic Friday and wonderful weekend! Until the next time, peace!
TGI-Jeff
