Greetings from the TGIF guy – not from down in the dungeon, as the weather has been so nice that I want to be upstairs and enjoying the light and the greening of the environment outside. We had a week of gorgeous warm weather and it’s been great. But we needed some rain and we got some on Wednesday evening of this week. So, things are really getting green.
Last week we crossed the halfway point between the spring solstice and the summer solstice – which is known as the “cross quarter” and really is the beginning of summer.
We’ve had a lot of wildlife in our backyard of late. Several deer have been frequent visitors to our back hill. At night, we’ve had some skunks and a raccoon also visiting our back yard. The bees and wasps and mosquitos have also been on the resurgence. I enjoy all the seasons and love observing the changes that are taking place now. Except I don't care too much for the black flies.
Let’s see what material you all have provided me to share this week.
POPE FRANCIS
The newly ordained Pope Francis recently finished his sermon and ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini", which means ‘Blessed be Mankind’.
Someone from the Woman's Rights Group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not all Womankind.
So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini", which means ‘Blessed be Mankind and Womankind’.
The day after, someone from the Gay Rights Group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed Mankind and Womankind and asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure."
The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini and et Tuti Fruiti."
* * * * *
For those who haven't heard, the state of Washington recently passed two new laws - Same sex marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that same sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says :
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
Evidently, we just hadn't interpreted it correctly.
* * * * *
THE PORCUPINES
It was the coldest winter ever.
Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.
After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.
Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.
They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others.
This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The moral of the story is:
Just learn to live with the pricks in your life!
* * * * *
Shirley & Marcy
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy 's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?'
Timmy nonchalantly replied, 'Yeah, I know who she is.'
The little girl said, 'Well, who is she?'
'That's just Shirley Goodnest, 'Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'
'Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?
'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'
* * * * *
IS THAT ONE WORD OR TWO
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
* * * * *
Fourth Time Around
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
* * * * *
While visiting the United Kingdom, Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.
When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room, she barged past everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way.
Winnie elbowed her way to Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared, "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!"
"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this impudent upstart.
"And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked Maggie icily.
"I am the iron lady of South Africa!" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air.
"Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"
* * * * *
WHEN ENGINEERS GO TO HELL
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements.
Shortly thereafter, Hell has air-conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer:
"So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air-conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff and I’m keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back, or I’ll sue!"
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
* * * * *
That’s it for this week. Hope there were a few that you have not seen before. Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Oh, and a Happy Birthday to my brother-in-law Fred. Oh, and a Happy Mothers Day to all those who qualify, including my mother-in-law Barbara and my wife Pam.
TGI-Jeff
