Greetings from the TGIF guy for the first time since 12 April. The following Monday, the 15th, was Patriot’s Day in Boston and the Monday that is a holiday in Massachusetts and the day the Boston Marathon is run. Patriot’s Day was originally on April 19th - as that day in 1775 was the day that Paul Revere warned the colonists of the Massachusetts Bay Colony of the advances of the British military towards Lexington and Concord (where the munitions were stored) which involved the “shot heard ‘round the world” and the beginning of the American Revolutionary War.
As we all know now, this celebratory day this year in Boston was shattered by an awful bombing (2 bombs about 10 seconds apart near the finish line of the Marathon) that killed 3 persons and seriously wounded another 250 or so. Another horrific and senseless tragedy! Fortunately, by the end of a strange week in Boston, they caught the perpetrators by last Friday evening. And fortunately, it was not seen as an Islamic attack or one associated with Al Qaeda.
Meanwhile, here in Vermont we have one day of winter, then one day of summer, followed by one day of spring. On Tuesday this week it was cloudy/overcast and about 45 degrees. On Wednesday – once the sun burned the clouds away, it got up to 80 degrees and felt like summer. Thursday was cool and cloudy in the morning and turned out to be sunny and warm.
We are all looking forward to warmer weather and summer to appear and remain with us!
Hopefully, the mercury in the thermometers will continue to rise!
Gold and Silver prices plunge...
So,
Invest in Mercury
It’s likely to rise in summer!
* * *
MALI
"The new camel will be sent to Paris. We are ashamed of what happened to the camel" - a Mali official, vowing that his government will give French President Francois Hollande a "bigger and better-looking camel" after the one it gave him in thanks for helping repel Islamist rebels was killed and eaten by the family he left it with in Timbuktu.
That was on Wednesday. By Friday the French government had issued a statement saying that the camel's demise had all been the result of an unfortunate misunderstanding - that the family thought they were being asked to eat the camel, not feed it. Now, my francais is more than a tad rusty, but 'preter' does not sound anything like 'manger’ . . .
I saw a video clip of the late camel. It was somewhat small, but really cute and blond. But it was extremely noisy.
Anyway, just remember to be sure and take your camel with you at all times, even if it means buying an extra seat on the plane. Or you could develop a taste for camel ragout . . . .
* * *
This is a story that is perfectly logical to all males:
A woman says to her male partner “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6?”
A short time later the man returns with 6 cartons of milk.
The woman asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replies, "They had avocados."
(If you're female, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!)
* * *
DA END ISS NEAR!
Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:
DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!
As a car sped past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash. Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."
"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks,
"Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"
* * *
A Cup of Tea
One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.
My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'
Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
* * *
Dorothy's DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.
Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner.
Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me,
bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined.
He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship ... I was shocked.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
Today I saved 2600 lives.
Twice.
* * * * *
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a police officer. He took her to the police station where she placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, the policeman opened the cell door and said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
* * * * *
23 Adult Truths
1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?I need to know this.
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty, but Jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Ladies.....Quit Laughing.
* * * * *
A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said "I cannot sit here next to this black man."
The fight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."
About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."
Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said, "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."
Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation.
* * * * *
TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC for this week:
Nag – Nag - Nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed ....
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,--- 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!'
* * * * *
It’s time for me to stop! I suggest that you all “hang in there” as summer is just around the corner. Go out there and buy that Mercury stock, as it is about to rise!
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
See ya next week, hopefully.
TGI-Jeff
