Greetings from a cold and white Vermont in this mid-December time leading up to the end of year holidays. The ground is frozen and covered with a layer of snow. The ski areas are open and have made lots of snow. The ponds are also frozen and I look forward to some skating and skiing, although I haven’t been out yet. Also looking forward to the arrival of our 3 kids next weekend for Christmas. I still have to go out and cut down a Christmas tree. I’ll likely do that tomorrow.
I mentioned last week that I was going to attend the New England Patriots’ game last Sunday. What a game! With about 5 minutes left in the game, the opposing team (Cleveland) scored a touchdown that put them ahead by 12 points. Most of the fans seated around us got up to leave as it was cold and it looked like the Pats were going to lose. A few of us in our section stayed to the end and witnessed another miraculous Tom Brady-led comeback and we did a lot of shouting and high-fiving until the Patriots walked off with a 27 to 26 victory. Jon, Mary and I had a great time, even though it was cold. But it seemed less cold with the win and a few adult beverages!
It’s Christmas shopping season and I’d like to assist with some gift ideas for you to use:
Christmas gift suggestions:
To your enemy, forgiveness.
To an opponent, tolerance.
To a friend, your heart.
To a customer, service.
To all, charity.
To every child, a good example.
To yourself, respect.
* * * * *
Subject: Oooops . . . who are you?
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
* * * * *
Japanese Sex
A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex...
Hasband : Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!.
* * *
Incredible...
And there you sit, reading this stuff as if you understand Japanese!!!
Unbelievable!…
I knew you would read anything about Japanese.
* * * * *
Most of my material is in English, although I used to use some things in French or Italian. But I don’t always have an interpreter to satisfy those of you less cultured folk out there. But, for the deaf amongst you, I hear that there is a guy in South Africa that I might be able to get cheaply to “sign” my TGIF messages for you. And then, for those of you who think my TGIF messages are gibberish, you’ll maybe appreciate them.
And speaking of deaf and dumb (I’m not referring to ALL my TGIF members!), I recently saw this one: LISTEN and SILENT. – Two words that have the same letters in them. Coincidence???
* * * * *
Political Correctness
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK'! She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE'- She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER'- She is a
'LOW-COST PROVIDER.'
'LOW-COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT'- He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER'- He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME '- He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING'- He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
* * * * *
Lion Was Getting Married
Lion was getting married. At his wedding was a mouse shouting away and congratulating the lion
"All the best, my brother. Good luck."
Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion getting married is his brother, another Lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks: "Who the hell do you think you are? How can a lion be your brother? You are only a mouse."
The Mouse replies:
"I, too, was a Lion before I got married."
* * * * *
Funny Tombstones From Long Ago
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903—Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see
if the car was on the way down.
It was
* * *
In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist,
all dressed up and no place to go.
* * *
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
* * *
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old
maid but died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
* * *
In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:
AnnaWallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, and the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna.
* * *
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
* * *
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
* * *
In a Silver City, Nevada cemetery:
Here lays The Kid, we planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger, but slow on the draw.
* * *
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
* * *
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
* * *
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
* * *
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
but the skin of the thing that made her go.
* * *
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
* * *
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
as you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent, until I know which way you went.
* * * * *
A Country Preacher
For the purpose of this one, we are to understand that this preacher lives in Canada.
A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A Bible; a Silver Dollar; a bottle of Jack Daniels and a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'
'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered, 'He's going to be the next mayor of Toronto!'
* * * * *
GPS poem...
I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS - my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty k’s an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - lets me have a shed.
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
* * * * *
Time for the TGIF Golden Classic
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"
* * * * *
For the superstitious out there: Be careful as today is Friday the 13th!
Just time to wish you all a wonderful weekend and Happy Holidays!
TGI-Jeff
