Greetings from the TGIF dungeon where the temperature down here, near the furnace, is a lot warmer than it is in other parts of the house. So, I’m not too fussed about spending the time necessary to produce a message this week that can be sent out on Friday – Thank God!
The cleanup and restoration of electricity to many of the areas devastated by “Sandy” 10 days ago continues. One of my regular contributors lives in New Jersey and was without power for one week. Now the same area is under attack from a Nor’easter (storm) that is dumping heavy wet snow on the same areas hit by Sandy just a mere 10 days ago. Sorry, guys and gals!
The end of campaign season and the election this past Tuesday has been the predominate news this week. In fact, it’s been the predominate news for all too long and most of us are glad that it is finally over. And most of us are pleased with the outcome. I hope that both parties will now agree to work with each other to find some solutions to some major issues – like the huge financial deficit issue – and how we can cut spending and share the burden proportionally.
While the final vote was relatively close between the Obama-Biden ticket and the Romney-Ryan ticket in the 50 states, I saw last week a story about how internationally, most people in most countries wanted Obama to win. I believe that there were only 2 countries who opted for Romney over Obama. One was Pakistan and the other may have been Israel. (I think Bibi thought Romney would better help Israel deal with Iran – whatever that potentially dreadful outcome might have meant!)
Anyway, we are happy that the long campaign is over and a result is at hand (and not in the hands of lawyers or courts – even supreme ones!)
But the campaign had its ups and downs, as we see from the following one:
* * * * *
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm Mitt Romney. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"Hi there little girl, I'm Mitt Romney. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Romney.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," answered Suzy with a smile.
Romney was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," answered Suzy with a smile.
Romney was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Romney should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Romney got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Democrats."
Taken by surprise, the Romney stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were REPUBLICANS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Romney got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Democrats."
Taken by surprise, the Romney stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were REPUBLICANS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
* * * * *
I was going to state that other than Sandy and the Election of 2012, there hasn’t been much news to report from here this week. But then, there are some more regional and local stories that have dominated the media recently. One of those involves two oxen (Bill and Lou) who have worked on the farm of Green Mountain College in Poultney Vermont for the last decade. About 6 weeks ago, the GM College announced that these two (one suffering from a serious physical issue) would be slaughtered and fed to the student body as, presumably, burgers, after having tilled the farms of the college for more than ten years. Once this decision became public, a huge uproar ensued with students, animal rights groups, administrators of the college (trying to explain their position that this would be the logical conclusion for these two loved animals that had served the college for years and would continue to serve – or be served) and the general public all jumping in. More than 40,000 people from around the world (thanks to social media) have signed petitions and sent letters and pleas to the college in hopes of saving Bill and Lou’s lives. There have been protests organized and letters to the editor and more. Even the Vermont governor entered the fray and declared that he would not “grant a pardon” for Bill and Lou. He supports the college’s decision and understands the decision many farmers have to make after their cattle have reached the end of their working lives. “They have good beef to offer and we ought to eat them,: Governor Shumlin said. “I support Green Mountain College. I support their decision to exercise death with dignity.”
Due to all the public attention it seems that GMC is reconsidering this matter. Stay tuned as I’m sure we haven’t heard the end of this yet.
One other local story that caught my attention this last week:
Report of Naked Man on Road
Brattleboro, VT. – Vermont State Police investigating a report of a naked man on a highway have instead found a mannequin.
Authorities say they received a complaint Thursday night that there was a naked man in the area of Exit 3 on Interstate 91 in Brattleboro.
When troopers arrived, they say they found a male mannequin in the breakdown lane.
State police say if anyone is missing a mannequin to contact the Brattleboro barracks.
(I am picturing all the TGIF non-native English speakers trying to figure out the above story through consulting their dictionaries. Oh my! There is “mannequin”; “troopers”; “breakdown lane” and “barracks”. Good luck!)
* * * * *
Here in America we are well into the American football season. High School games are usually played under the lights on Friday nights. The college games are usually on Saturdays (afternoon and evening) and the professional games mainly on Sundays. The high school seasons are either already over or will be soon. The college season is entering its last month and now vying for berths in conference championship games and end of year/New Year bowl games, as well as the BCS national championship. (The NFL – the pros – season goes on well into the playoffs in January, leading up to the SuperBowl which is played the end of January or the first days of February.) There are currently 4 top-ranked undefeated college teams (Alabama, Oregon, Kansas State and Notre Dame) and if they all make it through their last 2 or 3 games without a loss, it will create a real problem for the BCS to pick just 2 of them to play for the national title. Interesting.
While there are such things as “student athletes”, the stereotype of a very good college football player is that they are big dumb lugs.
And that stereotype is the basis of the following, which I received in different versions from a few of you during the last few weeks.
College Football Fun
Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
* * *
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
* * *
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
Drool.
* * *
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
None. That's a sophomore course.
* * *
How did the Missouri football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
The cow fell on him.
* * *
What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player's life?
Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
* * *
Two Oklahoma football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
* * *
A University of Texas football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.
He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
* * *
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit?"
"Will the defendant please rise."
"Will the defendant please rise."
* * *
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
The police officer.
* * *
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
* * *
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
A full set of teeth.
* * *
University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
* * *
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
* * *
Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
* * *
How do you get a former Kansas football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
Pay him for the pizza.
* * *
Why does the University of Iowa have AstroTurf on the field?
So the cheerleaders won't graze at halftime
* * *
What did the former Iowa State football player say to the former Iowa football player?
You want fries with that?
* * * * *
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, it's 16," said the businessman, "but what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4.
"It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head.
The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5. "Good to avoid those bushes on the right," saysthe caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball sliced and went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.
"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of thegreen and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."
And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap!
* * * * *
Another reason you shouldn’t lie about your handicap (or lie in the other direction, called “sandbagging”) is that way you have a better chance of winning club competitions where your handicap is used to give you a better net score over your competitors who lie about their handicaps (or use “gimmees” or “mulligans”).
This first nor’easter storm dumped a lot of snow on New Jersey, New York and Connecticut, many of the areas that were slammed by Sandy just 10 days ago. It’s the first time that I’ve heard of them naming winter storms – as this one was called Athena. Now, I hear that the next big winter storm is in the northwest and it is called Brutus. There could be blizzard conditions in Montana and lots of snow over the Rockies. I wonder when they started naming winter storms. I hope we don’t go threw the whole alphabet this winter!!!
In a few days, we honor our war veterans (11-11) for their service and I join in this appreciation for their service.
Meanwhile, I wish you all a great weekend.
TGI-Jeff
