Greetings from your TGIF editor. Whether you get this on Thursday (Thanksgiving Day in the USA) or on Friday (the usual day) or later, I hope you enjoy the material. I have 2 families: my WFP family who are in Rome and also scattered all over the world. Then I have my family and friends who are not associated with the best humanitarian organization in the world. Alpha Bah, who has managed the internal WFP TGIF address list since I retired, has been presented with lots of challenges over the recent past with changes to WFP’s email system. He plans on setting up a TGIF Blog where we can post my Friday messages and all of you in WFP can access them that way. I think it’s a good idea.
The General Petraeus affair, so to speak, has been right up there. All over the media during the last 10 days.
Great quote, sad subject:
Way too many generals are taking orders from their privates.
Way too many generals are taking orders from their privates.
* * *
Unconfirmed rumor:
Bill Clinton has asked Paula Broadwell to write his biography.
Bill Clinton has asked Paula Broadwell to write his biography.
* * * * *
But seriously, what the nation is most concerned about is the Fiscal Cliff that apparently we are about to fall over on 1 January 2013. No, wait! It’s actually whether or not Hostess Twinkies and Ding Dongs will be available in the near future or if that company will disappear. Really? Are you all serious? No wonder we in the USA have such an obesity issue!
I also have an update on the two oxen, Bill and Lou, who worked on the Green Mountain (verde montagne – or Ver-Mont) College farm: it seems that Lou had to be euthanized due to health issues, while the debate continues. More later.
Meanwhile, after an Asian trip by President Obama to Myanmar (also known as Burma) and Cambodia (to meet with the ASEAN leaders at their summit in Phnom Penh) he has returned to Washington DC just in time to pardon a couple of turkeys on the eve of Thanksgiving. No, those turkeys are NOT House Speaker John Boehner and Senator Mitch McConnell. But they are turkeys! Gobble gobble!
Okay, it’s time to jump into the material that the contributing members of the TGIF have provided. So, if you haven’t paid your dues by contributing something, you can’t complain!
* * * * *
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
* * * * *
Modern dictionary / thesaurus
CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
LECTURE:
An art of transmitting information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either
CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will- power is defeated by feminine water-power!
ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read.
SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.
EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes.
DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip
OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!
FATHER:
A banker provided by nature
BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later.
DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!
* * * * *
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
LECTURE:
An art of transmitting information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either
CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will- power is defeated by feminine water-power!
ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
CLASSIC:
A book which people praise, but never read.
SMILE:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight!
OFFICE:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
YAWN:
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.
EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their mistakes.
DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip
OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling from EIFFEL TOWER says in midway "SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"
MISER:
A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH!
FATHER:
A banker provided by nature
BOSS:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence later.
DOCTOR:
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by his bills!
* * * * *
A PRIEST’S RETIREMENT DINNER
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister in law. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people...'
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister in law. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people...'
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
* * * * *
SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
* * * * *
CHERIE'S CHAUFFEUR
Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.
'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving; go and tell the farmer" says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns, totally plastered. His hair is ruffled and he has a big grin on his face.
"My goodness, what happened to you?" asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, his wife gave me a slap-up meal and their daughter made love to me."
Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.
'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving; go and tell the farmer" says Cherie.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns, totally plastered. His hair is ruffled and he has a big grin on his face.
"My goodness, what happened to you?" asks Cherie.
The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, his wife gave me a slap-up meal and their daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Cherie.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
* * * * *
GENDER BENDER
The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President of the United
States from Iowa.
A few days after the election, the president-elect calls her father in Omaha and asks, “So, Dad, I
assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
”I don't think so. It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young as she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee.”
assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
”I don't think so. It's a long drive; your mom isn't as young as she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee.”
“Don't worry about it, Dad, I'll send Air Force One or another support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will pick you up at your door,” she said.
”I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”
”Oh, Dad,” she replied, “I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best
designers in New York.”
”Honey,” Dad complained, “You know we can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”
The President-elect responded, “Don't worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. And I'll ensure your meals are salt-free. Dad, I really want you to come.”
So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2024 arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States.
The parents of the new President are seated in the front row. The President's dad sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, “You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”
The Senator whispered in reply, “Yes, sir, I sure do.”
Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football at Iowa”.
”I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”
”Oh, Dad,” she replied, “I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best
designers in New York.”
”Honey,” Dad complained, “You know we can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”
The President-elect responded, “Don't worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. And I'll ensure your meals are salt-free. Dad, I really want you to come.”
So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2024 arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States.
The parents of the new President are seated in the front row. The President's dad sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and leans over and whispers, “You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?”
The Senator whispered in reply, “Yes, sir, I sure do.”
Dad says proudly, “Her brother played football at Iowa”.
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink one.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Welshman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the boyo who painted it!" he replied. "In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They're just three Welsh miners. Him in the middle went home for lunch."
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink one.
The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Welshman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the boyo who painted it!" he replied. "In fact, there are no Black men depicted at all. They're just three Welsh miners. Him in the middle went home for lunch."
* * * * *
We here in the USA are looking forward to the family gatherings over the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Pam and I are going to have 2 Thanksgivings this year. One on the 22nd in Hanover NH with her parents and our son, Jon. Then, on Satruday, we are hosting a Thanksgiving meal here in Springfield with Pam’s parents and her brother and wife. So, we get two good meals with family for the price of one and plenty of good leftovers to savor over the next days. The diet will resume in early December.
I don’t think anyone in our family will be going out shopping on Black Friday! I’m not prejudiced, but why is it called Black Friday???
So, let’s close with a wish for a Happy Thanksgiving and a happy beginning to the end of year holiday season.
TGI-Jeff
