Greetings from back down in the TGIF dungeon as we now approach theend of October. Even though many of you TGIF message recipients around the globe are having today (Friday, of course) off on holiday and may receive this or read it at a later date, I’ve decided to try and issue one today for those of you who expect one and will give me a hard
time, once again, if I shirk my responsibility too often. I say that without first looking into my inbox to see if I have material worth
providing. Let me have a peek.
Okay, I’ve pulled out a few that are presentable, and a few that are not, but I’ve buried those in the middle somewhere where many of you will not get to or skip over. I may be back on duty but my censor isnot. Some of you may appreciate that fact, while some of you may not.
Let me start off with this one that was sent in since my trip to Rome by a friend and former colleague who does not often send in
contributions but was reminded of this one when he saw my last TGIF’s reference to my having visited Rome.
* * *
After many years of teaching Latin in Catholic schools in the US, an elderly teacher made her first ever trip to Europe.
When she arrived in Rome she thought, “I wonder if my Latin will help me speak to all these Italians?”
So she went to Piazza Navona, approached an equally elderly and well-dressed gentleman and asked him some questions in fluent Latin.
She received no response and somewhat frustrated was about ready to leave when the gentleman turned towards her.
She was thrilled he was going to talk to her until he responded to her in perfect English: “Judging from your speech, it’s obviously been a long time since your last visit!”
* * * * *
GLADYS
Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Centre today.
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
Apparently, " 'F***ing' big ones," was the wrong answer.
* * * * *
The Dead Cow and Vet School
First-year students at the Edinburgh Veterinary School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered witha white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example' he said as he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger up the dead cow's bum, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.'
'Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
* * * * *
I think I see a theme emerging here, about veterinarians.
The Veterinarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this?
How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
* * * * *
All Saints Day is next week and thus, so is All Hallows Eve, or Halloween. So, let’s see if I can scare you.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of thestreet toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP....
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
right on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the bathroom door.
Bumping and clapping toward him...
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops!!!!!
(I don’t write them, I just pass them along.)
* * * * *
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
* * * * *
Here is an updated version of an old one; this time in the context of Afghanistan, a British soldier and a Taliban.
THE BRITISH WAY
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If youcontinue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration &rasped .... "They won't let me in without a bloody tie!”
* * * * *
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
* * * * *
OUT FISHING – or the tale of the big Bic lighter
Bob and Ralph were out fishing on the lake when Bob pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph if he had a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ralph replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter that was 10
inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Ralph, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Bob asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ralph.
'Could I see him?'
Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the Genie, Bob says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Bob asks the Genie for a Million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of ….. A million ducks..... flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Bob yells at Ralph, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks!'
Ralph answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
* * * * *
I don’t get it!!!???!!!
So, now it’s time for the TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC:
BRAN FLAKES
Geoff and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty
years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because
they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to
Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another
holiday vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,
with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A
maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They
gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be
your home now.'
Geoff asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why,
nothing,' St. Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in
Heaven.'
Geoff looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Geoff.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Geoff. This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy.'
Geoff looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the
low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as
much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Geoff.
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'
Geoff glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Bloody Bran Flakes. We
could have been here ten years ago!'
* * * * *
Heaven looks like a nice place but not sure I’ll get in. Besides most
of my friends are probably going to that other place, anyway.
I hear that the East Coast of the USA could be in for a big storm in a
few days – seems to be the combination of a tropical storm coming up
the coast, colliding with some other fronts coming in from the Midwest
and the North. We may have to batten down the hatches again.
There was an earthquake not all that far from here (the epicenter was
in Maine) about 10 days ago that we felt here, with the floor shaking
and so forth. We don’t have them that often in New England.
I wish all my Muslim friends a happy Eid holiday.
For the rest of you, have a fantastic Friday, wonderful weekend and a
Happy Halloween!
Seeya later.
TGI-Jeff
