Greetings from the TGIF corner downstairs near the furnace and warmth. Actually, after some warm weather last weekend through Monday, the outdoor temperatures are back to “seasonal” which means “normal for this time of year” I guess. But with global warming, what anymore is normal? At the beginning of the week we had (I guess) “unseasonably warm” temperatures in the high 60s (20 C), with bright sun, although very low in the sky. About this time last week, they had predicted that the winter storm Athena (a nor’easter) was to produce anywhere from 3 to 6 inches of snow on us. So much for accurate weather predictions! We didn’t get any snow. I’m not complaining, mind you! Since we didn’t get any snow, all the men in the neighborhood spent last weekend sitting atop their riding mowers blowing, mulching or collecting the last fallen leaves on their lawns, since they didn’t have to use their snow throwers, as expected.
Unfortunately, the areas and people hit hardest by Hurricane Sandy did get the snow on top of the mess they had. Many of the hardest hit areas are now getting their electricity back now. Several crews from Vermont have been working down in those areas. Just as crews from other states (and national guards) came to Vermont last year in the wake of the flooding damages caused by Irene.
I also mentioned in last week’s edition that I didn’t know until then that they had started naming winter storms. Well, it seems that the Weather Channel has decided to do that, while the National Weather Bureau is opposed to this practice, and therefore refuses to go along. Controversy. But hopefully there will be no more controversy over whether global warming is fact or fiction. Although if there had been a vote on that among Americans, it might have been just as close as that of the recent presidential election, between the red and blue states.
I beg all of my friends and former colleagues in WFP to have some patience and understanding as Alpha has been combating a lot of challenges in moving his TGIF address list over to the new system. I feel sorry for him. None of you would be receiving this Friday message if it were not for him and so I hope you appreciate his “service” and extra work. When I left WFP I agreed to continue to do a Friday TGIF only if someone would volunteer to manage the internal WFP address list. He was the only one who volunteered. (I have since told him many times that he should have known that old army adage that said you should NEVER volunteer for anything.) But he did and we should recognize this, during this month (November) that is “Volunteerism” appreciation month.
Let’s see what we have to hopefully bring a smile or chuckle to you this week.
* * * * *
Decease of Choice
An old woman was asked.....
”At your ripe old age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”
”At your ripe old age, what would you prefer to get, Parkinsons or Alzheimers?”
The wise one answered, “Definitely Parkinsons.....
Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle!”
Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle!”
* * * * *
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
* * * * *
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl / tzitzis and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there”.
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
The Arab asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
* * * * *
At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A retired Chief Petty Officer, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass of wine to taste.
They gave him a glass of wine to taste.
The old Chief tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct," said the boss. "Another glass, please."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Absolutely correct. A third glass."
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The old Navy Chief tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
The old Navy Chief tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."
* * * * *
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."
* * * * *
Best Cowboy Pick-Up Line Ever
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
'What's so special about it?'
The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken... because I am wearing panties!'
The cowboy chuckles, taps his watch and says .... 'Damn thing's an hour fast'.
* * * * *
MEMORY TRICK for SENIORS
A couple of senior women were chatting recently about the complexity of using their computers and the need for passwords that they never remember.
Agnus says to Mildred “You know, Mildred, I have decided to change my password to ‘incorrect’.
Mildred queries her, “Agnus, why would you do that?”
“Because that way when the computer says ‘Your password is incorrect’ I’ll know what it is!” replies Agnus.
* * * * *
Two-Line Poetry Competition
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING
FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other ...
that is, until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING
FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other ...
that is, until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?
* * * * *
Some advice to recent migrants and those planning to move to “down under” far away country will do well to follow the example of the Chinese migrant!
Welcome to Australia - Learning a new customs
A Chinaman decides to retire and move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He bought a small piece of land.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinaman running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinaman urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinaman leading a bull down the drive-way, ...pause...., and then put his left ear next to the bull's butt.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinaman and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's butt, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinaman is very taken back and says, 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no ... Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'
'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'
“Yes they are; man at travel agent tell me” replied the Chinaman, “He say to become true Australian, I must learn to.....chase chicks,..... get piss drunk, and .... listen to bull-shit.'
* * * * *
THE CARDIOLOGIST AND THE HONDA MECHANIC
A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make £24,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....
"Try doing it with the engine running!”
* * * * *
TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC
(Editor’s Note: I realize that it is a bit of a stretch to have a golden-oldie from the future, but …)
Out of this World
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc....
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies.
'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
* * * * *
And all I am doing is pulling your leg.
It’s time to wrap this one up with my usual wish for you all to have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. Enjoy every minute of it because Monday will arrive way too soon, as usual.
Seeya next week, if the creek don’t rise.
TGI-Jeff
