Greetings from the Friday guy. I see that the last TGIF message I sent
was on 23 August. Wow! So, you must be wondering where I’ve been or
what excuses I have to allow me to have such a long break. Well, let
me try to come up with some reasons for neglecting this Friday hobby
during these last 7 weeks.
The last week of August, I went with several other members of our
local country club down to work as volunteers at the PGA FedexCup
TPC/Boston tournament. It was great fun seeing many of the best
golfers on the PGA tour, up close. After being home for a few days, I
then took off for Portland Maine where I joined a Colorado Heartcycle
group in an organized 8-day bike tour from Portland to Rockport,
Massachusetts and back to Portland, all along the New England
coastline. We had great weather and we did between 50 and 60 miles per
day. There were about 30 people in the group, many couples who rode
tandem bikes. The only downside was that my roommate snored worse than
I do!
By the time I returned home, I had a bad bronchitis, but no time to
waste as Pam and I had planned a trip to Ireland and Rome to reunite
with old UN & WFP friends and colleagues. We spent a great week in
each location, seeing lots of old friends and catching up with them.
Ireland was much cooler than Rome, but we didn’t have too much rain. I
enjoyed driving in Ireland (we were mainly in West Cork and Kerry
(Dingle)) (although many of the more rural roads are very narrow!) and
spent just enough time in Dublin to visit the tourist places, Trinity
College, etc. and the Guinness brewery – of course!
The weather in Rome was warm – great. I saw many current WFP staffers
at the HQ, as well as a few fellow retirees. We stayed with friends
George and Victoria Heymell during our Rome stay, which was great!
After my starting the TGIF message in Rome in 1995, it was George who
took it over in mid-1996 when I left Rome for Pakistan. A year later,
when George left Rome for Angola, it was Abdullah Amir who took it
over for a year before he assumed more important functions. As by
1998, WFP had email connectivity worldwide; I was then able to resume
editing and issuing a weekly TGIF message from where I was in the
field.
Somehow I got persuaded to continue issuing one even after my
separation/retirement from WFP. I think I need to get a better agent and better
deal!
It was nice to return home last week, but not nice enough to sit down
and do some work at selecting joke contributions for a TGIF last week.
So there, that brings us up to this week! Satisfied with all those
excuses??? Hope so. I’ll try to be more regular in the future.
Since we were in Rome a few weeks ago, I thought I’d start with this one.
When in Rome …..
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a
Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into
the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by so he stops to watch the throngs of people giving
money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar
holding the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and
says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic
country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to
give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you,
especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.
In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of
spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and
turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, would you look
at who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
* * * * *
Here’s an updated version of an old one that has been received in
conjunction with Angela Merkel’s current visit to Greece:
Angela was stopped at the border on her way to Greece for her current
visit. The border guard had a few questions for her:
Guard: "Name?"
Merkel: "Angela Merkel"
Guard: "Nationality?"
Merkel: "German"
Guard: "Occupation?"
Merkel: "No, just visiting"
* * * * *
Don't Mess With Lawyers
A lawyer defending a man in New York accused of burglary tried this
creative defence: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window
and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I
fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence
committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your
logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to 5 year's imprisonment. He can
accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his
lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the
bench, and walked out.
...Don't mess with Lawyers
* * * * *
My trip to the store
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing
me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok,
I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
* * * * *
Here in the U.S.A, we are less than 4 weeks away from the election of
our next president, all the representatives and 1/3 of the senators,
plus lots of state positions as well, as well as some local ones, like
justices of the peace and dogcatchers. The 50 states each have a
tendency to vote republican or democratic and states have become known
with the color representing the predominant party in that state: red
for republican and blue for democrat. The blue states are mainly in
the northeast and on both coasts, while the red states are in middle
America and the south.
While I try to avoid too much politics in my TGIF messages, simply for
the humor involved in the below contribution from a citizen of the
Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.) I share his/her message with
you today.
Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've
decided we're leaving.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we're taking the
other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of
the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially
to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America
(E.S.A).
To sum up briefly:
You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states
pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the
country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92%
of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can
serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of
the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools
plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese
Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US
mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99%
of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by
a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death
penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that
Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals then we lefties.
We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Citizen of the Enlightened States of America
* * * * *
A New Senior Pick-Up Line
A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale
cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an
expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower
in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.
Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink,
takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, beautiful, do I come
here often?"
* * * * *
Marriage and Divorce in Heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in
a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began
to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out."
The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were
allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with
the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed.
St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he
informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a
lawyer?"
* * * * *
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my
bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid
of those fears'.
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll think about it,' I said.
Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so?' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
* * * * *
I see from my tgifJeff inbox that I have about 10 regular contributors
of potential TGIF material. What about all the rest of you? You all
need to try a little harder. Remember, there is no such thing as a
free lunch (except at schools being supported by WFP) so you need to
contribute.
Hope you all are well and doing fine. Fall is definitely here,
although the foliage colors are not spectacular. Maybe they peaked
when we were in Italy.
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
