Greetings once again from your TGIF editor-in-jeff. I know it’s been a
few weeks since I’ve been down here in the dungeon doing my hobby. At
least some of you, those in WFP, may have had some “re-runs” during
the last 2 weeks while I’ve been on holiday from this task. Notice the
two poles of doing the TGIF – at one end it’s my hobby and at the
other, it’s my task. When I receive lots of new and good material,
it’s my hobby and easy to do. When I get old and repeated stuff, it’s
my task. So, let me look into the tgifjeff@gmail.com inbox and see
whether this week is going to be hobby or task. (By the way, that
mention of my tgif address is a reminder to those of you who actually
contribute – to send inputs (your “dues”) to that address and please
NOT to my taftdickjeff@gmail.com address as that is my personal one.
Okay. I received from a half dozen of you the story about the best
jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe. So, here is a mixture of those
contributions:
A gag about David and Victoria Beckham's choice of names for their
children has been declared the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe.
The quip, by deadpan Canadian comic Stewart Francis, picked up
one-fifth of votes in a poll of comedy fans organised by TV channel
Dave.
The winning joke - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh
and Becks" - comes from Francis's current show, Return of the
Lumberjacks.
The names of the couple’s children are Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven.
The competition, which has been running for five years, enlisted the
help of 10 comedy critics to draw up a shortlist of gags.
The list was then put before 3,000 comedy fans.
Francis said: "1969 West Mall Soccer Association's Most Valuable
Player, and now this... thank you, Dave."
He also had another entry in the top 10 with: "I saw a documentary on
how ships are kept together. Riveting."
Francis held off tough competition from one-liner legend Tim Vine, who
holds the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in an hour -
499.
Steve North, general manager of Dave, said: "As Dave's Funniest Joke
of the Fringe celebrates its fifth anniversary it's great to see how
the top 10 get wittier and sharper every year.
"Stewart Francis is a very worthy winner and with his droll quip has
proved himself to be king of the one-liners."
* * *
Comedian Stewart Francis has won an award for the funniest joke of the
Edinburgh Fringe.
The deadpan Canadian funnyman was given the prize by digital TV
channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to a
public vote.
He won for the joke: "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh
and Becks."
The British King of the one-liner, Tim Vine, took the runner-up spot
for the second year in a row.
Vine, who won the award two years ago, appears twice in the list of 10
jokes compiled by the TV channel, as does Francis.
The top jokes were:
• 1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name?
Posh and Becks."
• 2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs
back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
• 3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed
my sister."
• 4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is
bigger than your book case."
• 5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet…
I don't know Y."
• 6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
• 7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's
only because I'm concentrating."
• 8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept
together. Riveting!"
• 9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained:
'It's not rocket salad."
• 10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an
Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
* * * * *
Have a beer, your skin will thank you.
Posted by Rachel Raczka - August 17, 2012 from Boston.com Lifestyle section
Today, I had the pleasure of chatting with Dr. Neil Sadick while he
was in town for the Summer American Academy of Dermatology Meeting.
Dr. Sadick, who has more esteemed professional titles that I can even
begin to list, caught my eye as the Global Medical Advisor to
Christian Dior Beauty. Do I want my skin to look like Natalie
Portman's? Oui, oui!
While he was bursting at the seams with knowledge of the latest in
innovative cosmetic procedures, my favorite moment of our chat came
when he advised me to be sure to help myself to a glass a beer this
holiday season.
Crow's feet, cellulite, non-invasive lasers, pain tolerance... beer?
Did our conversation take a casual turn?
Not so much. Dr. Sadick likened the suggestion to the last health
craze that led women to justifying a glass of red wine per day for its
antioxidant benefits.
"We're all familiar that red wine has polyphenols in it that can
protect your body and skin but more recently, it's been shown that
drinking a glass of beer a day, which has silica in it, will also
prevent free radical damage to the skin and internal organs. Party
season? Opt for a glass of beer to protect your skin and keep your
insides healthy."
Well then! Cheers.
* * * * *
What is a Faux Pas?
One day, Bertie Wooster decided to read a book. On the very first page
he came across an unfamiliar word. So he called out to Jeeves.
“Jeeves, what is this 'fox pass'?”
“What sir?”
“Fox pass, Jeeves.”
“Oh, that would be 'faux pas', sir.”
“Yes, dash it, whatever.”
“Well sir, let me explain it this way. Do you remember last weekend
when Miss Plushbottom came to stay for the weekend?”
“Yes.”
“And do you remember how on Sunday morning you pricked your finger on a rose?”
“Yes.”
“And do you remember how, later, at breakfast, Miss Plushbottom asked:
'Is your prick still throbbing, Bertie?', and you dropped a pot of
marmalade?”
“Yes, Jeeves.”
“Well, that, sir, was a faux pas.”
* * * * *
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
* * * * *
I really liked this one:
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic. I have 3 of them to share with
you today.
GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN
On their way to getting married, a young Catholic couple were involved
in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to
wonder - could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were
allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with
the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in
Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a
lawyer?"
* * * * *
Ten Mothers In History
1. Michelangelo's Mother: Can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off
the ceiling?
2. Paul Revere's Mother: I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew.
3. Mona Lisa's Mother: After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?
4. George Washington's Mother: The next time I catch you throwing
money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.
5. Mary's Mother: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.
6. Columbus's Mother: I don't care what you've discovered, you still
could have written.
7. Napoleon's Mother: All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.
8. Thomas Edison's Mother: Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.
9. Abraham Lincoln's Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you
just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?
10. Albert Einstein's Mother: But it's your senior picture. Can't you
do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?
...An extra laugh for posterity:
Jonah's Mother: That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really
been for the last forty years
* * * * *
A chicken farmer went to the local bar .... He sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman said: "How strange! I also just ordered a glass of Champagne".
"What a coincidence," said the farmer who adds: "This is a special day
for me .... I am celebrating".
"This is a special day for me too, I am celebrating too!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer! As they toast the man asks,
"What are you celebrating?" :
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and
today my gynecologist told me I was pregnant".
"What a coincidence!" the man said: "I'm a chicken farmer and for
years all my hens were infertile, but today they all laid eggs."
"That's great! Said the woman. How did your hens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he answers.
The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence."
* * * * * * * * * *
I hope all my Muslim friends had a nice end of Ramadan celebration
this past weekend. Eid Mubarak!
We are now getting near to the end of summer as September now
approaches. The days are getting shorter and the temperatures are now
more mild.
Time left to wish you all a happy Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
few weeks since I’ve been down here in the dungeon doing my hobby. At
least some of you, those in WFP, may have had some “re-runs” during
the last 2 weeks while I’ve been on holiday from this task. Notice the
two poles of doing the TGIF – at one end it’s my hobby and at the
other, it’s my task. When I receive lots of new and good material,
it’s my hobby and easy to do. When I get old and repeated stuff, it’s
my task. So, let me look into the tgifjeff@gmail.com inbox and see
whether this week is going to be hobby or task. (By the way, that
mention of my tgif address is a reminder to those of you who actually
contribute – to send inputs (your “dues”) to that address and please
NOT to my taftdickjeff@gmail.com address as that is my personal one.
Okay. I received from a half dozen of you the story about the best
jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe. So, here is a mixture of those
contributions:
A gag about David and Victoria Beckham's choice of names for their
children has been declared the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Fringe.
The quip, by deadpan Canadian comic Stewart Francis, picked up
one-fifth of votes in a poll of comedy fans organised by TV channel
Dave.
The winning joke - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh
and Becks" - comes from Francis's current show, Return of the
Lumberjacks.
The names of the couple’s children are Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven.
The competition, which has been running for five years, enlisted the
help of 10 comedy critics to draw up a shortlist of gags.
The list was then put before 3,000 comedy fans.
Francis said: "1969 West Mall Soccer Association's Most Valuable
Player, and now this... thank you, Dave."
He also had another entry in the top 10 with: "I saw a documentary on
how ships are kept together. Riveting."
Francis held off tough competition from one-liner legend Tim Vine, who
holds the Guinness World Record for the most jokes told in an hour -
499.
Steve North, general manager of Dave, said: "As Dave's Funniest Joke
of the Fringe celebrates its fifth anniversary it's great to see how
the top 10 get wittier and sharper every year.
"Stewart Francis is a very worthy winner and with his droll quip has
proved himself to be king of the one-liners."
* * *
Comedian Stewart Francis has won an award for the funniest joke of the
Edinburgh Fringe.
The deadpan Canadian funnyman was given the prize by digital TV
channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to a
public vote.
He won for the joke: "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh
and Becks."
The British King of the one-liner, Tim Vine, took the runner-up spot
for the second year in a row.
Vine, who won the award two years ago, appears twice in the list of 10
jokes compiled by the TV channel, as does Francis.
The top jokes were:
• 1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name?
Posh and Becks."
• 2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs
back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
• 3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed
my sister."
• 4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is
bigger than your book case."
• 5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet…
I don't know Y."
• 6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
• 7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's
only because I'm concentrating."
• 8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept
together. Riveting!"
• 9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained:
'It's not rocket salad."
• 10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an
Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
* * * * *
Have a beer, your skin will thank you.
Posted by Rachel Raczka - August 17, 2012 from Boston.com Lifestyle section
Today, I had the pleasure of chatting with Dr. Neil Sadick while he
was in town for the Summer American Academy of Dermatology Meeting.
Dr. Sadick, who has more esteemed professional titles that I can even
begin to list, caught my eye as the Global Medical Advisor to
Christian Dior Beauty. Do I want my skin to look like Natalie
Portman's? Oui, oui!
While he was bursting at the seams with knowledge of the latest in
innovative cosmetic procedures, my favorite moment of our chat came
when he advised me to be sure to help myself to a glass a beer this
holiday season.
Crow's feet, cellulite, non-invasive lasers, pain tolerance... beer?
Did our conversation take a casual turn?
Not so much. Dr. Sadick likened the suggestion to the last health
craze that led women to justifying a glass of red wine per day for its
antioxidant benefits.
"We're all familiar that red wine has polyphenols in it that can
protect your body and skin but more recently, it's been shown that
drinking a glass of beer a day, which has silica in it, will also
prevent free radical damage to the skin and internal organs. Party
season? Opt for a glass of beer to protect your skin and keep your
insides healthy."
Well then! Cheers.
* * * * *
What is a Faux Pas?
One day, Bertie Wooster decided to read a book. On the very first page
he came across an unfamiliar word. So he called out to Jeeves.
“Jeeves, what is this 'fox pass'?”
“What sir?”
“Fox pass, Jeeves.”
“Oh, that would be 'faux pas', sir.”
“Yes, dash it, whatever.”
“Well sir, let me explain it this way. Do you remember last weekend
when Miss Plushbottom came to stay for the weekend?”
“Yes.”
“And do you remember how on Sunday morning you pricked your finger on a rose?”
“Yes.”
“And do you remember how, later, at breakfast, Miss Plushbottom asked:
'Is your prick still throbbing, Bertie?', and you dropped a pot of
marmalade?”
“Yes, Jeeves.”
“Well, that, sir, was a faux pas.”
* * * * *
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
* * * * *
I really liked this one:
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic. I have 3 of them to share with
you today.
GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN
On their way to getting married, a young Catholic couple were involved
in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to
wonder - could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in
Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone
has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... For a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were
allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with
the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in
Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things
don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a
priest up here! Do you have ANY idea of how long it'll take to find a
lawyer?"
* * * * *
Ten Mothers In History
1. Michelangelo's Mother: Can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off
the ceiling?
2. Paul Revere's Mother: I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew.
3. Mona Lisa's Mother: After all that money your father and I spent on
braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?
4. George Washington's Mother: The next time I catch you throwing
money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye.
5. Mary's Mother: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.
6. Columbus's Mother: I don't care what you've discovered, you still
could have written.
7. Napoleon's Mother: All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me.
8. Thomas Edison's Mother: Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed.
9. Abraham Lincoln's Mother: Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you
just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?
10. Albert Einstein's Mother: But it's your senior picture. Can't you
do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?
...An extra laugh for posterity:
Jonah's Mother: That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really
been for the last forty years
* * * * *
A chicken farmer went to the local bar .... He sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman said: "How strange! I also just ordered a glass of Champagne".
"What a coincidence," said the farmer who adds: "This is a special day
for me .... I am celebrating".
"This is a special day for me too, I am celebrating too!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer! As they toast the man asks,
"What are you celebrating?" :
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and
today my gynecologist told me I was pregnant".
"What a coincidence!" the man said: "I'm a chicken farmer and for
years all my hens were infertile, but today they all laid eggs."
"That's great! Said the woman. How did your hens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he answers.
The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence."
* * * * * * * * * *
I hope all my Muslim friends had a nice end of Ramadan celebration
this past weekend. Eid Mubarak!
We are now getting near to the end of summer as September now
approaches. The days are getting shorter and the temperatures are now
more mild.
Time left to wish you all a happy Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
