Greetings from the Friday guy on this, the 13th of January. Beware and
be careful. It is an unlucky day when the Friday is also on the 13th
day of the month. At least, that is what some people believe. We all
have our superstitions, I guess. I am not too superstitious although I
am a firm believer in Murphy’s Laws and all the corollaries. You know,
that if there is a chance that something might go wrong, it will,
definitely! Anyway, if something goes wrong for you today, you can
blame it on it being Friday the Thirteenth!
I think that I have harassed you all so much about not contributing
old stuff that you all have become “gun shy” and are unwilling to
“pull the trigger”. Don’t worry, I will never scold you (at least not
too harshly) for contributing already used stuff, unless it was
printed in a TGIF during the last month – which is clearly a sign that
you are NOT paying attention or have an early onset of that senior
sickness that we all dread!
We finally got 4 or 5 inches of the white stuff today! No! Not cocaine
– but white puffy snow! The ski areas really needed it to boost the
number of trails open and supplement the “snow-making” they’ve been
doing for the last month. I’ve been up on the nearby mountain a few
times this year and the snow-making is good, but Mother Nature is much
better, and less costly!
Reminds me of the one about the female TV news anchor in Michigan a
few years ago. The day before, the weatherman, Ted, had predicted a
winter storm that would likely dump about 8 inches of new snow in the
area. In fact, the storm only produced about an inch or two. So, the
next day, while shifting over to Ted and the weather spot, she said to
him “So, Ted, what happened to the 8 inches you promised me last
night?” (Most of the TV cameramen and crew keeled over with laughter
and they all had a hard time continuing the telecast.)
Let’s see if there is anything not too old and fit to print.
Lawyers and Ethics
I dedicate this one to my lawyer friends who I play tennis with. So,
maybe the two guys are named Bob and David.
Two Lawyers Stranded on a Desert Island
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island were lots of tall coconut palms that
provided them their only food and liquids.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could
spot a rescue boat coming. Finally, one day the lawyer yelled down
from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman
out there floating in our direction!"
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly
beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so
much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to
the water, dragged her up onto the beach and discovered, yes, she was
alive, warm and breathing. One of the lawyers then said to the other,
"You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now
without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....so....do you
think we should...well...you know...screw her?"
"Out of WHAT!!!?!?" ...asked the other.
* * * * * * * * * *
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he
got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear
nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language …
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where's the money?”
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about!"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I’ll kill him!"
The lawyer with sign language to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
* * *
Don't you just love lawyers?
TGIF Editor-in-chief: Do I see a theme here?
* * * * * * * * * *
Percentages
Percent of the 99% who want to kill the 1%:
2001 – 1%
2011 – 99%
-from Esquire,
“Inside the Census”
* * * * * * * * * *
Anagrams – Just for Fun
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
* * * * * * * * * *
Performance Evaluations
I have noticed that WFP is doing some 360 degree evaluations of staff.
It’s hard to do well when the manager’s messages are not very clear or
coherent.
Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to
submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the
submissions:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the
winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company)
4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)
5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one
will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on
it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know
when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and
Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged
and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was
scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I
would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked
if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be
better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T
Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This
is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the
subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him
concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would
be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited
until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark
Greeting Cards.)
12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was
asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and
materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the
"pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day
after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into
the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president
wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told
that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her
company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand
that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR
manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his
dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he
told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo
to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could
not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company
memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I
created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday
paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo
from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily
determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of
transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better,
if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)
TGIF Edit. Note: Isn’t appropriate that there are 13 on this 13th day
of the month?!!!
* * * * * * * * * *
Hans – the German tourist
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando,
Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The
madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain
him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain
the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she
sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!"
and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for
something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do
with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will
do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would
surprise her.
So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a
little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He
whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him
as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in
all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work
herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything
a man could possibly ask for.
She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls
so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and
is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink
and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
* * * * * * * * * *
May Joe R.I.P. (rest in peace)
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her
oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and
leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the
memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
(Edit. Note: I think even Pam would appreciate this one!!!)
* * * * * * * * * *
Words and Phrases from the Wisdom of Andy Rooney
One of the many who left this world in 2011. We loved listening to him
on 60 Minutes each Sunday.
We're going to miss ANDY ROONEY and his words of wisdom.
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good
memory....I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and
Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good
partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a
French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was
happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many
men still sleep with their wives!
* * * * * * * * * *
I’m not sure I actually heard Andy Rooney say any of those things.
Maybe someone else is trying to benefit from the fact that he is no
longer with us to deny having said these. I do recall seeing a lot of
expressions he really did say that were pretty good.
Time to say “au revoir” until the next Friday when I have enough
material to put together a TGIF message. Until then, have a great
Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Pam and I are going to be meeting the parents of our oldest son’s
girlfriend, Mary, this weekend and we are looking forward to it:
meeting the parents! Hope it goes better than it did for Ben Stiller
and Robert de Niro!!!
Until the next time, take care!
TGI-Jeff
